Break the system. Dare to ask. Know the truth.

I am already a changed person, but I still feel the need to get this out of my chest.

I regret what i've done, but then I couldn't blame myself for lacking proper guidance when I was 19.

I've moved on in my own way, sought guidance and help from multiple friends and my psychologist. But of course, as individuals, we ourselves have a hard time forgiving ourselves because we can not trust our own judgement, given that it is biased.

day 2/3 of my diet now, no rice, only wheat (bread), getting hungry every now and then but I drink water

I want to lose weight. I want to be healthy(ier). I want to be better.

Aside from this diet, I want to do a social media detox so I can get my work done as well. I really want to fix my life.

I know something's wrong and that 2018 hit me bad. But I believe (somewhat, it's just weak for now) that i'll heal. 2019 was a bad hit too. Not my grandma, but /him/.

I know I (probably) look awful right now, or that maybe my pain is evident in how I look right now. But really, I want to be better. I want to heal.

Currently on Season 4 of the Venture Bros. 

Everything looks great tbh uwu also Hank Venture looks great with long hair sksksks

Also went to BLTX yesterday (Tomas Morato) with Denise. Met good friends such as Cal, Chelly, Jesh and Hannah uwu <3, and Gem and Tin uwu All was cool. Also bought Strawberry juice with jelly and Mine Shine milk tea (a favorite)

Spent around 993php including the Grab ride on the way home. Also wore a casual outfit that I like uwu looked p much that I was going to Korea lmao

It’ll start in 3 hours. I’ve prepared myself as much as I could. If there is any foul play to be done, then I hope that I’d be able to escape unscathed. along with my family. I want to live a long life and I still want to do a lot of things.

Just watched a new video from Psych2Go (and no, I don't base everything from there given that I would prefer to do my own research and ask my psychologist, she's really awesome sksksksk)

Link : https://youtu.be/Rm7mVqHey5s

As the timestamp goes :

1. Falling Endlessly (1:05)

2. Being pursued (1:30)

3. Flying (1:56)

4. Taking a Test (2:37)

5. The Past or the Future (2:59)

So far, i've had 4 out of 5 of these dreams, namely : Being Pursued, Flying, Taking a Test, and The Past or the Future.

I've dreamt of being pursued once. Only once afaik, and it wasn't a creature. It was a killer. Not a lover, not a deadline, but a killer. A mercenary, maybe. I can't remember why though.

Second, flight. Only briefly in some dreams, wherein i'd be in control, or when i'd fall/lose power of flight. P chill dreams.

Third, taking a test. Only one traumatic dream wherein my 3rd irl ex kept repeating to me saying "You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed." He kept continuing and teasing even when I told him to stop. He'd still tease me and honestly as I type this, I still get enraged and feel the trauma. I think this went on for 2 days or more, but not an entire week thankfully. The result of that dream led me to thinking that I was still just in high school or university, and that I was still studying, and that I was failing.

Mind you, being bullied all my life I felt that whatever I did was wrong, and moreso not enough.

I panicked when I woke up. I tried to remember where I was and how (and who) I am now, to see if I was my 20+ year old self or my high school self, and if I had graduated already. Thankfully, I was able to calm myself down by then.

Basically stands for "National Disaster Risk Reduction and Management Council".

So, last night (around 11) was the first time I heard the distress ringtone for the NDRRMC and honestly, it was terrifying. At least at night. When all the lights are shut and all that's left is your duty* to sleep and your mind to wander past memories or future plans (at least that's how my mind and lifestyle works at 22).

* (I see it as a duty given that I don't want to sleep. I just want to keep working myself off until I eventually pass out.)

The first ring startled me, I stood up from my bed to find wherever the sound was coming from. It was scary because IT WAS IN THE ROOM, IT WAS NEAR, BUT I CAN'T FIND IT (!!!) ---- that was what terrified me off at first, next was the distressing tone that it repeatedly set off (for obvious reasons ofc, but this one was different).

For the first time, I had an actual fear. A phobia, if such as this one exists.

I'm not (that) afraid of heights, holes, spiders (to an extent), and (popping) balloons. But this one was the first ever in my 22 years of existence to rattle me out of my calm-esque exterior.

Then came the second ring. It was around 12:30PM

I burst out crying, shaking, and immediately called out for my mother. I clung to her like a koala crying in panic from a forest fire. It was terrifying and this time I really lost it. I kept apologizing because I literally sobbed. I don't really sob, the only time (this year) that I did was when I had one of my most severe attacks. I kept apologizing because I was waking people up and that I couldn't understand why this ringtone scared me.

I understood that the ringtone startled me even more because it struck at a time that I was vulnerable. Which the next day proves my point :

It was morning, around 7-8AM. I heard the ringtone play 2 times in the house. I felt better, and I wasn't as startled as last night. Only a measly 15% if I were to be asked. I knew that the other reason why I felt so sensitive around it was because it was the only sound I heard. The only sound that was dominant. The sound of the AC is but a mild purr of that of a small creature, not even comparable to a cat (at least for me).

Tried to sleep but it's already been 30 minutes.

I think I just got inspired to animate again holy shit. Maybe even start/update my Youtube channel.

I want to see where this goes, given that i'll start my new job today. Hope it doesn't have Saturdays. My storyboard templates are ready and I can't wait to make diaries in video format too!!

I got a nice headset and that'll do for now, just gotta figure out how to mix/edit audio, etc.