You know I just want to say out loud how proud I am of myself, this year has been comparatively easy mentally then the last several. There's still a lot of places I can improve as a person, but I've set a lot of goals this year that I am actually achieving.
I have consistantly worked a 40 hour work week all year, which is dificult becasue I have to go out of my way to find work in the company, even thought my availability reflects a desired 40 hour work week and I have repeatedly asked that of my manager (never expect him to do it even though we have constant call outs and quitters meanwhile I literally never call out or am late but his loss because I've made it clear my presence in the store 40 hours a week is an options). On top of that, like I have social anxiety and going to a new store every week back in January/February/March was nauseating, but I pushed through the mental block and now theres only a few stores I haven't worked at, and they don't seem scary if I ever do take a shift there, because I also know the routine of working with a new group of people/new layout, ect...
I have stayed on track with my dietary changes- less sugar and over all junk, more whole foods, more consciously taking the time to put a meal together than just eating a TV dinner ai microwaved. This wasn't so hard because I'd already made the change to vegetarianism on a goofy whim about a decade ago, and back then it was easy because it wasn't doing anything so much as just NOT doing something, and goals that involve cuting something out have always been easier. I do work in fast food and we do be eating samples daily, but a bite of coffee cake or brownie hasn't temped me to go back to 3 large sugar drinks a day. Ive tried like 100 new things this year too just taking the time to look, ita been pretty cool.
I'm slipping a bit on exercisizing goals, but I havent fallen off completely, and that's more to do with my whole adhd logic of "I have this One Big Thing to do so I cannot do anything else ever until then but I also will not be doing the thing because its SCARY", which I'm over comming by a) getting the scary things done and b) accepting I can just Do Things when the Big Thing isn't happening, actually. Also just going for a walk outside even though I'm paying for the gym or going to the gym even though the day is literally so nice. Mental flexibility on top of physical cardio, because how the goal gets dont isnt as import as that I fucking did it. πͺ
As a result of both of these I'm over half way to my weightloss goal, I'm building muscle ans stamina and my skins not breaking out, and my period is regulated. Probably gonna seriously consider looking into a birth control just to stop having to think about it since I know its regulated now.
Then yeah, getting the Big Things Done. I'm going to get a credit card and actually starting to build credit for a new (to me) car and hopefully moving to my own place in a year or so. I have a meeting with the bank tomorrow. I feel so grown up (I'm 30, I really should at this point)
And over all, I wouldn't at all say I've magically become Emotionally Balanced, I'm still unreasonably anxiously about things. I'm still petty. When I get angry it still tries to chew its way out of me like all good things could not be real, and patterns of crippling self hate still pull me under, but the way I've always gotten sweept up in those waves before, idk this year I've really been able to keep my head above the water, to really process my way through the feelings, the size of them and the why of them, ride the wave, reminding myself its just an angry spell, just an anxiety spell, just a temporary mood, because Big Moods are Trigger Happy with me, and been able to say you know, no I don't feel good enough to, like, clean my whole room (it needs it), but I can at least, you know unload the dishes, and that is still good. Not "good enough for today" just "it is good".
Hobbies wise I wrote a 30k story and am finally satisfied with the ending, I've read an actual physical book, and while I haven't worked on my star map or my timeline for the Host in a few months, I haven't given up on them and I dont feel the looming weight of failer that I'm in a motivational lull with them. There's no deadline and I can enjoy the casual slow pace of a hobby project.
Inertia, momentum that's what I've kept up with with year. I kept the ball rolling, pushing at some other goal when I lost the mental battle that day or week on another, rather than stagnating and giving up on everything, and I've been consistantly preductive the feeling of impending burn out.
At least for now I think I have it figured out, and I'm not scares of what I still need to work through, and I'm happy.
