P.

I love finding these laments and lessons when sifting through my phone notes and journal entries. They are a true testament that the Holy Spirit inspired these thoughts as they continue to minister to me. You know when Paul says we will comfort others with the comfort Christ gives us (2 Corinthians 1)? Who knew the “others” would be my own future self hahah. God, you’re so fun.

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Sometimes it's so hard to say "bless the Lord, oh my soul, and all that is within me". Sometimes I want to blame God or ask Him where He is or why He isn't changing a situation or taking away an anxiety. And when I feel that way, worship is the last thing I want to do. I expressed this to a friend the other day and she replied with "but priscilla, that's when it means so much"! And what truth that is. When life is good, we can say God is good. But it's when it's hard and there are tears and when there's loneliness and heartache, our gut wrenching, "bless the Lord, oh my soul, and all that is within me".... it carries a purity and weight about it.

When I was young, I used to think that being the loudest, jumping the highest, sitting in the front row-- that that was how I could show God my allegiance. That would prove my love for Him. Those days, I felt as if I were the closest to God. In those moments, I felt that He would be so pleased with me because I gave Him everything. 

I've been pretty sick for the last 5 months. Mainly, it has a lot do with my breathing. My lungs don't quite work like how they used to. Yesterday, I was at all night prayer gathering and for some reason my breathing started to act up again. I couldn't sing anymore. I couldn't stand. All I could do was sit in the back of the room. Breathing in. Breathing out. Reading the lyrics in my mind, following them with my eyes. 

Could this be a picture of giving my everything? Would you look down on me and say, “this is my daughter, with whom I am well pleased”? 

Yes! The answer is YES. 

I don’t have to be the best singer. I don't have to sing the loudest. I don't have to stand up at the very front, closest to where I think God is residing. He is in my heart- this temple. He sees me. He knows me. He delights in the heart sacrifice, not burnt offerings. This is the God I serve. A steadfast God. A loving God. A God who deserves everything. Who wants my heart. 

I was nervous for a presentation I have to give to over 900 international  students and half my office about American Classroom Culture for new student orientation. In passing, I said to my coworker, “if half the office were not coming, I definitely would not be this nervous”. He asked if I was worried that they would judge me, to which I said yes with a nervous (concerned) laugh.  

“What if we gave you your score before you even presented and you knew it? Your score is 10/10!” 

What. Hahaha. My buddhist coworker just nailed it. What if we got our judgement score before we even got to the judgement seat? Spoiler alert: this has happened already. 

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. John 8:36

It was for this freedom that Christ set us free [completely liberating us]; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery [which you once removed]. Galatians 5:1 

Jesus gives you and me a 10/10. It’s done! Praises because He will say, “well done, my good and faithful servant” and not “well done, my good and fruitful servant”. 

I have been learning these days about the economics of the Kingdom of God. They are just so, so different than the economics of the earth.

How can two coins from a poor widow be worth more than a bag of gold from a wealthy man? How can those who mourn be blessed and the hungry be full? How can someone who has surrendered all his/her dreams be the one who has accomplished the most?

In the Kingdom of God, Jesus is everything and if we have Him, all else can be considered garbage in comparison.

The economics of the Kingdom of God are incredible and freeing and perfect. Its operation is humbling. Success and standards as we know them are irrelevant in the Kingdom of God. I love that so much!

An entire world turned upside down. Me, a wretched, habitual sinner... loved and chosen, clothed in robes of righteousness.

​Several months ago, over Hopdoddy burgers and french fries (yum), two of my best friends and I were talking about Jesus and how He is faithful to sanctify. H began talking about Jesus in the temple (John 2: 13-17). Jesus in Jerusalem goes in the temple where He found the people who were selling oxen and sheep and doves, and the money changers sitting at their tables. Jesus then makes a whip of cords and drives them out of the temple. He scatters the coins and overturns tables, and he turns to the those who are selling doves and says "take these things away! Stop making My Father's House a place of commerce!" And his followers remember the scriptures which say, "Zeal (love, concern) for your House (and its honor) will consume me". Then all three of us (my friends and I) remembered another portion of scripture which states, "Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's spirit dwells in you?" (1 Corinthians 3:16). What a beautiful, beautiful connection this is! 

We are God's temple and His spirit dwells in us. And look again at this picture of Jesus' passion for His dwelling place. Zeal, love, concern- these are the things that Jesus has for His house, His temple. The place where God's spirit dwells must be cleared out of all things that make His dwelling place anything other than a house of prayer (Matthew 21:13). I listened to a sermon the other day on this John passage and the pastor stated that these areas were not just for the Jews but that there were most likely other temples in this area. There were other worship places for false gods and idols. But Jesus doesn't go into those places, turning over their tables and chasing out their cattle. No, He goes into His rightful home, the place where His spirit dwells. He clears out what is rightfully His. This is the mark of ownership. Of love. 

I imagine this is what God desires to do with us. With you and with me. The Holy Spirit, as He dwells inside of us, mere jars of clay, goes in and clears out our hearts and minds and souls and strengths of all things that get in the way of worship. The things that make us choose anything other than the "good part" (Luke 10:42). He clears what is false and beliefs that are not true. He goes in and uproots and chases away the bad and wrong and even the good which is not best. What a pursuer that His heart would be so jealous for this! 

In our relationship with God, may we never tire of this prayer: "Search me [thoroughly], O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there is any wicked or hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way." (Psalm 139: 23-24). And in our relationship with God, may we never lose confidence that "He who began a good work in [us] will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" (Philippians 1:6). 

What a love we have in Jesus. Zeal and concern and love consumes Him for His dwelling place. That’s you and me, friend! And what a faithful friend that He will never tire of doing this and will carry it to completion. 

Only one year ago, I met with my pastor to tell him that I would be moving away from our community that I treasured and loved so much. I remember crying all day that day (let's be honest, I remember crying for a whole week) and wondering if what I was doing was actually what God was doing in me. // I remember He said I was.

I remember taking my driver's license test and thinking that I would never be able to get on the road without killing myself and others in the process. // I remember the cute Indian examiner telling me that she happily passed me and that I was a good driver.

I remember going on my first date ever and being so incredibly nervous that I would completely ruin everything and that everything I said would be incomprehensible. // I remember laughing and smiling and leaving the conversation so encouraged.

I remember interviewing for a position that would allow me to sit one on one and advise international students from all over the world, thinking I was the least qualified person applying for the job. // I remember being told that, "for some reason", the candidate pool that time around was really different. They told me that they wanted me to fill the role, despite my lack of experience.

I remember laying on my floor crying with some of my closest friends because I was mourning the loss and changes of many things in that season. // I remember waking up the next day for a road trip into small towns with a faithful friend and staying at an older, wiser couple's beautiful home to rest and be filled with new things.

I remember crying out to God and singing "This I Believe" at the top of my lungs because I wanted to cling to the truths that had seemed so true only months before. // I remember His faithfulness in reassuring me that these things were still as true as they were on my good days.

I remember, only a year ago, my life looked so different than it does today. But one thing is steady and sure, He was with me through it all. Alpha and omega, beginning and end. Immanuel! God with us. Always with us.

Sometimes these kind of statements by newborns help renew a sense of awe and wonder into who we get to be and the One who will never leave us. 

At Halftime tonight, C led the worship time and we worshiped God by washing one another’s feet. We read John 13, the story of Jesus washing his disciple’s feet. 

“...Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he had come from God and was going back to God, 4 rose from supper. He laid aside his outer garments, and taking a towel, tied it around his waist. 5 Then he poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples' feet and to wipe them with the towel that was wrapped around him. 6 He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, do you wash my feet?” 7 Jesus answered him, “What I am doing you do not understand now, but afterward you will understand.” 

Then after reading this passage, C read some other passages about feet and serving and the one that started flailing it’s arms to me the most was Romans 10:14-15.

 “ 14 How then will they call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching? 15 And how are they to preach unless they are sent? As it is written, “How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news!” Romans 10:14-15. 

And I’ve heard this one so many times but in this moment as C led us into worship, the Holy Spirit spoke so clearly to me the connection between these two passages! Jesus washed his disciples very own feet- a dirty, servant- like thing to do… but He washed them. He honors, prepares, washes, and serves these feet. BUT FRIENDS!!!!! THESE VERY FEET GO ON TO CARRY THE GOOD NEWS. These feet of His followers carry the Good News! The best news! Jesus washed the feet that would carry testimonies of himself to the nations! How beautiful is that!? HOW BEAUTIFUL IS THAT!? I cannot wrap my head around this. I think I am going crazy... hahaha. 

How will the nations call on Jesus in who they have not believed? And how will they believe in Jesus of whom they have never, ever heard?! And how are the nations going to hear without YOU and I preaching!? And how are we to preach unless we are sent!?

Friends, the Holy Spirit has reminded me tonight that when Jesus washed our feet, He served us as no King would ever. But man, was it not also a moment in which Jesus proclaimed that these feet He washed would be the same ones that would carry His name to the ends of the earth?