I cannot believe it’s already been 3 months since Brendan and I broke up. I still have days where I breakdown and cry because I gave our relationship everything but it still wasn’t enough, I wasn’t enough. It doesn’t hurt as much as it used to though and I celebrate that everyday. I am beyond lucky that my friends are there to keep me company when the going gets tough and they have been making living everyday without him much easier. I would crumble to pieces without them.

A lot of things has changed since, I feel like I’m a new person but just a lot more trauma. One thing I noticed about myself is how I enjoy being on my own, I talk to a few people here and there but the freedom is addictive. But that’s not to say I don’t ever want to get into dating again, maybe just not as of now. I am still healing and I will be for awhile. I’ll know I’m ready when I no longer cry to songs because the pain hit too close to home. I’ll know I’m ready when I no longer get anxiety attacks at the thought of someone liking me and the possibility of me liking them and ruining the peace that I have found and come to love. I am terrified.

me documenting everytime i feel great part 7

I can’t believe I’m saying this or even doing this. It’s been more than a month now and I have found that I’m triggering myself intentionally just to feel the hurt again because I feel you slipping from my mind and I’m still not ready to let it all go.

This song describes exactly how I’m feeling and I should be happy that I’m not as sad as I used to be but it’s really hitting me that I’m moving on and happier that you’re no longer part of my life. I don’t think I can accept that just yet..