You can find Juwi at JuwitheMad.wordpress.com
GREETINGS! Iām Juwi and Iām going to burst your wonderful romanticized bubbles of what Britain is like.
First things first: a geography lesson
Great Britain= 3 countries (Scotland, England & Wales)
United Kingdom = 4 countries (Scotland, England, Wales & Northern Ireland)
Republic of Ireland-its own country. Not part of the UK
I do live in London but noā¦London isnāt the ONLY city in the UK I mean you HAVE heard of Manchester (Manchester Utd?) and Edinburgh has PANDAS in their zoo. Also Bath is where Jane Austen is from and Cardiff is wear they film a lot of stuff. J.K.Rowling is from Scotland. Yes thatās right Harry Potter is British.
Whenever I go to South Africa and meet new people this is how the conversation usually goes:
Me: yeah I live in London
Person: OMG YOU LIVE IN LONDON. HAVE YOU MET THE QUEEN? HAVE YOU SEEN ONE DIRECTION? I JUST LOVE YOUR ACCENT
Me: um I donāt really have an accent and no I havenāt met the queen or One Direction.Ā
SADLY I HAVE NOT BEEN INVITED TO HAVE TEA WITH THE QUEEN AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE.Ā She thinks weāre all peasants. (just kidding. I donāt knowā¦maybe she does. All I know is she really loves her corgis)
I havenāt met One Direction (thankfully); but sadly I have yet to bump into any other celebrity like Tom Hiddleston (Loki) or Dan Howell (danisnotonfire) or Sam Claflin (Finnick) on the tube.
As for āBritish Boysāā¦
No they donāt all look like Alex Pettyfer or Max Irons. DO YOU THINK GREAT BRITAIN IS FULL OF MODELS? Well there are lots of models but the Average Joe is not a model Iāll; have you know. Luckily for me I live in London so I can go to Oxford Street and see cute guys (if Iām lucky).Ā So itās not like you can just walk on the street and randomly bump into this amazingly well dressed guy who is intelligent and has this charming smile and whatnot. No. That ONLY HAPPENS IN BOOKS. AND MOVIES.
Excuse you but no YOU DO NOT LIKE āBRITISHā ACCENTS you like the āEnglishā accent and by that I mean the āproperāā¦Queenās English.
Hate to burst your bubble but Iām pretty sure like 2% of the population (not an actual statistic) speaks with that posh accentā¦
When people say they like the South African accent they arenāt talking about the Joburg accent. No offence. When people say they like the American accent Iām pretty sure they aint talking about the southern accent yaāll.Ā
So letās get this straight. We all know the UK is huge. Do you like the Scottish accent? Because that is British. Or maybe have you heard the Scouser accent (Liverpool)ā¦Iām sure youād LOVE the Geordie accent (Newcastle). No seriously you should meet a chav or someone from āup northā and then tell me how much you love the āBritishā accent. Ā (I donāt mean to insult you just say you love the Posh English Accent).
Something they donāt tell you about London: Pigeons. If you love pigeons, London is the place to be. I mean we even have seagulls AND THERE IS NO SEAā¦just the River Thames (you can go on boat rides woop). Like I remember in school the pigeons and seagulls used to just hover around us waiting for our food. Gross. There are lots of hovering pigeons. You have been warned.
The great thing about London is THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING TO DO. Sure I love staying at home with my laptop and books and cat and food but hey ho I can go out and watch a musical or go to the cinema or go for a walk in the park or go to a museum. There is always something going on, some event, premieres, concerts, book events, and festivals whatever you are interested thereās probably something youāll find to do. Not everyone goes out drinking every night. Okay a lot of people do but I guess that is part of āBritish Cultureā.
Ah Tea. We love our tea. Not everyone but usually people will feel better once you give them a nice ācuppaā.Ā But then itās also about being a tea snob and which brand of tea do you prefer? Tetley? PG tips? Twinings? Iām more of a green tea and jasmine girl myself (black with honey-how pretentious of me).
Thereās a NEW boy band in town. They actually PLAY instruments. The Vamps (Brad, Connor, James and Tristan) Theyāre pretty cool. Check out their song Can We Dance. Also Lawson are another cool band. I mean there ARE other people youāve heard of apart from One Direction right? Ed Sheeran is one of the coolest most awesome musicians out there right now (I donāt care if he is ginger!) I mean youāve obviously heard of Adele right? Sheās British as well as Ellie Goulding. So we have some pretty cool musicians who are not 1D.
Some British Authors you may (or may not) know: J.K.Rowling (Harry Potter), C.S.Lewis (The Chronicles of Narnia), Roald Dhal, Enid Blyton, Louise Rennison (Georgia Nicholson series), Malorie Blackman (Noughts and Crosses), Patrick Ness (Chaos Walking trilogy), Neil Gaiman (Stardust), Ian McEwan (Atonement) and Alexander McCall Smith (The No.1 Ladies Detective Agency) to name a few.
I canāt write a post about āBritishā things and NOT talk about the weather. So I live in London. It rains. A lot. Iām surprised itās not raining right now to be honest.
If itās not raining itās dull. Like full cloud cover no sun no blue sky nothing just dull grey to match the dull grey buildings. Lovely. I like to wear bright clothes in winter sometimes to bring colour to the dreary streets. And I have a cute blue umbrella.
But umbrellasā¦they can POKE YOU IN THE EYE but also BETRAY YOU. If there are gale force winds YOUR UMBRELLA IS NO MATCH FOR MOTHER NATURE. On days like those you see many discarded umbrellas in the bin. Itās quite sad really.
Winter. Ah winterā¦those months from December till February Ā (then again this year it snowed in April). The thing about snow is that itās all fun and games until youāre actually IN it. Oohh pretty snowflakes like each one is unique wow and thatās all great from the comfort of your heated home. But once you step outside even if you are wearing five layers and thermals and wellies (wellington boots) and 2 pairs of gloves. Itās cold. Itās freezing. IT IS SNOWING. You try to make a perfect snowball but alas it wonāt form a ball and your gloves get wet and the cold starts to seep in and then your fingers start to get numb. By this point you can barely feel your nose. DO I HAVE A NOSE? AM I VOLDEMORT?Ā (These are the questions I tend to ask myself. This is what the cold does to meā¦)
So I AM SORRY (not sorry) to burst your bubbles. Snow isnāt that great. Making a snowman is fun but like when it all melts it turns to black sludge, which is gross, and I feel like a penguin whenever I walk because itās more like an awkward waddle and then the fear of slipping itās just not good.
Okay Iāve babbled enough. I shall leave you with some tips on how to be āBritishā. Yeah maybe wearing a trilby and talking about how much you love Zara and Topshop might work but itās all about the slang.
British Slang:Ā (not everyone uses such words, some are specific to South London while others are used all over)
Trousers- pants (funny story. I moved here when I was 8 and I said to this girl āoh and I have these LOVELY new PANTS and the look of horror on her face. And then MY FACE when I figured out pants was UNDERWEAR!)
Trainers- takkies/sneakers
Knackered-tired/exhausted
innit- isnāt itĀ (innit bruv/blud)
bruv- ābruvvaā/brother/
Crisps- potato crispsĀ (walkers crisps are like lays)
Chat up-pick up/flirt (chat up lines)
Bits n bobs- random/various things
Chav- white trash (ginormous gold hoop earrings, likely to live in a council flat, wears tracksuits, loves Primark, shops in Iceland, only speaks slang- MASSIVE STEREOTYPE)
Bobās your uncle- there you go (and Robertās your fatherās brother)
Nicked- stolen (he nicked my pen)
Nutter/bonkers/mental -crazy person (see Dizzie Rascalās song ābonkersā)
Quid- £ (some people say you got a fiver (£5))
Fancy- like (āI fancy himā)
Bagsie- dibbsĀ (bagsie the window seat)
Ketchup- tomato sauce (HEINZ KECTHUP IS THE BEST OKAY)
Chap-bloke/guyĀ (āold chapā)
Cheers- thank you (everyone says this)
Chippy- fish and chip shop (off to the chippy)
Chucking it down āpouring with rainĀ (a term used frequently)
Dodgy- shady/suspicious (heās a bit dodgy standing in that cornerā¦ā
Fizzy drinks- carbonated drinksĀ (sprite/coke etc )
Fringe- bangsĀ (I think I might get a fringe)
Grass- snitchĀ (donāt be such a grass)
Gob- mouth ā(shut your gobā)
Gutted-Ā thoroughly disappointed
Jim jams- pyjamas (Iām gonna put my jim jams on)
Jolly- very (jolly good old chap)
Jumper- sweater (autumn and winter is jumper season. Ooh I love Christmas jumpers!)
Leg it- run away (and then we had to leg it)
Chinwag- talk (I love this word so much)
Nip- pop ā(nip to the shopsā)
oi/oy- hey ( āoi youā, āoi famā to get someoneās attentionā¦usually someone you know)
fam- your peeps/see them as family (also famalam)
Choong Ting- pretty/hot/beautiful/sexy (sheās choong ting innit blud)- I donāt know if people still say this. I never did.
Fit-hot/sexually attractiveĀ (omg heās so fit)
Snap- ditto (me too/same)
Taking the piss- making fun of
Waffle- ramble (and the food)
Whatās up- whatās wrong?
Alright love- how are you
Typical chav phrases: āwhy are you looking at me thoughā ādid I ask you to talk?ā āare you staring at me?Ā āI didnāt do nofinkā ācan I aks you sumfink?ā āu wot mate?ā ānah mateā ācan I borrow 50p?ā
Sometimes youāll see a Chav drinking a whole carton of juice on the bus and eating a packet of crisps for breakfast.
So all in all your British stereotypes make me laugh and if you DO meet a ātypical English gentlemanā please do let me know.
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