pudgy princess

I don’t r talked publicly about the fact that I was raped when I was 18. I don’t want people to be weird about it and even though my loved ones know about it they don’t really know the details. To be honest I don’t even know most of the details. I remember very very few details, enough to know what happened. I remember messaging him, before meeting up, asking if he could buy me cigarettes and I would pay him back as soon as I saw him because I was too lazy to get them myself. Then I remember laying down in a bed eating chocolate caramel popcorn (it’s a specific branded popcorn that I’ve only really seen sold at TJMaxx/Homegoods and I haven’t been able to eat it since) while very very very under the influence, I could barely keep my eyes open. Then my brain skips to him on top of me and kissing me and neither of us wearing a shirt. And that’s it. Those are the only things I remember. I very vaguely remember his face, I remember his first name and I remember the town he lived in, that’s it. I don’t remember how I got home, I don’t remember what happened after him on top of me kissing me, I don’t remember DAYYYSSSSSS after the moment. I did not realize it was rape until yearsssssss later, until I was 20/21 (can’t remember, go figure), because the moments I remembered weren’t violent, I can’t even remember if anything actually happened beyond that. But I do remember how I felt for a few days afterward, I was sore down there, I felt dirty, I felt shame, but again I didn’t associate “oh it was rape”. Because okay I was sore because we had sex and he might’ve went a little too hard, I felt dirty and ashamed because it was a one night stand and that just happens. But no no no no no no. I was under the influence, I had no capacity of litErally SPEAKING or keeping my eyes open so obviously I had no capacity to consent. Even though I’ve been trying to cope with this and many other traumas (non related) I still don’t feel like I own my body, I still don’t feel like it’s mine, I still feel like he took it from me and I can’t get it back. I hate myself, I hate him (EVEN THOUGH I CANT FUCKING REMEMBER WHO HE IS). I just want to be able to call my body mine.

So ever since going through the traumatic experiences that I’ve gone through, I’ve kinda obviously have PTSD, which makes it much much harder to do things that aren’t actually hard. One of those things include having serious conversations. Because you see from ages 17 to about 20/21 I was in a relationship where everytime I had an issue and brought it up to him, he would blame me for said issue, or pretend like said issue wasn’t accurate and act like I was crazy. Or he would try to have a serious conversation with me over something he thought I did wrong which would lead to him purposely causing me to have a panic attack, making me cry for hours while unable to speak because of said panic attack and then unsatisfied with my answer ignore me for days until I said sorry the right way. So now I obviously have issues with having serious conversations, and I’m honestly pretty fucked up because of everything else to, which means that me and my fiancée have pretty poor communication. So he tries and tries and tries and tries and fails every time he tries to talk to me about issues, because my brain is like “AVOID AVOID AVOID BE DEFENSIVE BE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE” and I can’t have serious conversations without being defensive and angry and passive aggressive. So he decided to get us a therapist which is great, made an appointment for the 18th, great, and today he decided we need to have a serious conversation and I tell him I can’t so he tells me he will sleep at his parents house until I can actually talk to him about it, and I’m like okay cool see you at the therapist. And he’s like:”if you can’t find it in you to talk to me in a day or two we should just break up” and I’m like:”that’s not what I want I just can’t do it” and he’s all like:”that’s just a lie you tell yourself so you don’t have to be introspective” and I’m like:”did you seriously just say that one of my ptsd symptoms is a lie? Okay cool see you on the 18th and don’t talk to me until then” and he’s all like:”you’re just using your ptsd as an excuse to not have to be in the wrong” and Now I am VERY ANGRY. My ex boyfriend isn’t even in my life and he’s still fucking with it. My current partner can’t even wrap his measly little brain around the fact that NO I can’t make a choice to actually be calm and have a serious conversation, it’s automatic, it’s ptsd, I don’t choose anything from it, it just fucking happens. So yes I’d like to die now pls, or be single forever and never be in another relationship ever again because the ones I’ve had until now have fucked me up SO BADLY I can’t even be a relatively normal person. Hi, my names ****** and I have mental illnesses, you might be wondering how I got here, truth is, idk 👌🏻