Hey Its Me Ur Brother

– SHE’S RIGHT. IT IS NOT COMFORTING. but her optimism can be contagious at times, and jas has always had a way of looking at things that louis hasn’t been able to see for himself. after all, he can see all the ways that gallagher students haven’t been prepared for what’s come at them – all the times they’ve been hurt or deceived on their state-of-the-art campus. “ i get that. i do, i just . . . this just makes being apart this year even harder, knowing that someone is out to get you and that i can’t be here all the time. not that i’m even sure what i’d do, just that it would feel better if i could be here with you, ” louis explains. though he does have every intention of trying to trace the video when he has time to himself. he has to do everything he can. “ well, obviously. though anyone would be an idiot for trying to mess with you, ” he says sincerely. he tries to smile to punctuate it, but it’s still difficult – not because of her, but because of how heavy this conversation has been and what the implications of it are. whoever released that video wanted to put those in it in danger. and in these circumstances, jas had been in the video because of him. it’s hard not to be taken back to the memory of that night – he’d been determined to protect luce, serious enough to die for it if necessary, but that didn’t mean that he hadn’t been terrified. “ i know you do. and i love you for that, i love you so much. but it doesn’t change the fact that i’m going to feel the weight of it, and that i’m going to worry about you. are you...are you scared ? ” he asks her. “ because it is okay if you are. i don’t want you to feel like you have to put on a strong front or that you can’t tell me just because i worry. i want to be here for you. ” he pulls her back in after she kisses him quickly for a longer one, partially because he can’t get enough of her, and also because if anything, this is a reminder that he’s got to make the most of all of their moments. not because she could be dead, but because he’ll have to go back to d.c. shortly and he’ll spend most of the time away from her thinking about her. hoping that she’s alright. “ would you ? ” he parrots playfully, leaning down to look at her with a discerning eye, “ does sound pretty dreadful. maybe we should spend the evening running drills in the gym so you’re prepared for anything, as a gallagher girl. you wouldn’t want to be seen as lazy, ” he notes. “ – there is a new episode of bake-off, though. ” 

– “I WASN’T,” LOUIS INSISTS, though he’d say the same thing even if he was and she likely knows that by now. ‘long’ is relative anyway, so it’s not even really a lie. either way, their time together during the workday is generally scarce if at all, and louis is often the type of person to work right through lunch and eat at his desk unless he has specific plans, usually too absorbed in whatever he’s working on to want to pull himself out of it. studies say that whenever you interrupt your focus, it takes at least twenty minutes to recover from that, so he’d rather not waste it. but he’d waste time for her any day, even if it wasn’t her birthday. “ wh – wait. no, you’re joking, ” he says this slowly, coming to the conclusion himself, “ you’re absolutely joking, you wouldn’t. ” he eyes her suspiciously, eyes slightly narrowed, “ – right ? ” he just shakes his head in disbelief as jas presents the idea that her coworkers might be ‘slow’ to warm up to her, as if she isn’t one of the warmest people he’s ever met in his life. he can still remember being nearly intimidated by how friendly she seemed, stumbling over his words the first few times that he tried to speak to her. he’d liked her almost instantly, though. he thought it would be impossible for anyone not to. “ well, i didn’t think that, ” he tells her, knowingly, and his expression is full of playful admonishment. “ what, and impede on whatever you already had planned ? ” he jokes. “ which, i figured you would. but so did i, to be safe. our table’s at 7:45. ” and so is their table at several other places, which he will now have to cancel. but jas doesn’t need to know that !  “ don’t even worry about expensive. it’s your birthday. ” he would also add that she also doesn’t need to worry about him, with whatever gluten-free considerations she’s made, but he also knows that telling jas that would be futile. she cares too much, always, about everything. it’s one of the ways that they tend to be alike, actually, and one of the reasons that he’s comforted by her and her passion for everything. he thinks she’s better at it, though, but he’ll still do all he can to make this day as good as possible for her. 

– HE SMILES GENTLY, NUDGING HER LIGHTLY WITH HIS SHOULDER. “ but . . . good weird, right ? ” he asks. “ like, as nice as it is and all, ” mostly just having all of your friends in one place, which is something that never happened to him before and will never happen to him again as long as he lives, “ it’s cool that we can move on and start whatever’s next. together. ” for a huge part of louis’s life, at least, he never had that choice. where to next was decided by the government, and even his recruitment to blackthorne was more like being pulled along by a tide rather than something he worked for and decided for himself. in a way, his decision to be with jas is the first one he’s made autonomously for his life and future, rather than rowing in a direction that seemed to be set for him by someone else. “ that sounded ridiculously corny, ” he adds sheepishly, because at least he’s self-aware. “ and i was kidding about that, by the way. i’d be deeply hurt if you actually hated astronomy and you were pretending all this time, ” he adds with a hand over his heart, “ but i do want you to tell me when you’re actually not interested in something, obviously. ” for a spy, louis still takes being lied to a bit personally – but that’s only because he doesn’t trust very many people. it’s only once that trust has been earned that it could hurt, and of course, jas is the person with the most power in the world to hurt him. but she only has that power because louis has full confidence that she never would. “ there are DEFINITELY unfun ways to sweat, ” he narrows his eyes playfully at her, “ but maybe we should just focus on the fun ones. ” an almost cheeky smile tugs at the corners of his lips, a glint in his eye that’s been reserved just for her. “ oh, i know you do, ” he actually laughs at this, because he knows it very well. “ but it doesn’t make it any less intimidating. ” he actually thinks jas was very intimidating when he first met her – someone so beautiful and yet so efficient, like an unstoppable force of nature, scared the hell out of him. it was hard not to get a little tongue-tied in her presence, just out of sheer admiration. which he still feels, strongly, but he’s lucky that proximity forced him to get over the nerves and that even if he made a fool of himself around her a handful of times, she didn’t seem to write him off as a complete loser. he supposes there’s still time for that. “ i’ll leave the interior decorating to you, ” louis promises. he has never had a problem with that sentiment, in fact, the more his apartment starts to look like jas lives there, the more he’ll like it. “ i mean, i wasn’t going to say it, but the great solar storm of march 1989 . . . ” he trails off with a teasing grin before he leans in to kiss her, “ i’m kidding. of course it’s my favorite. ” besides the aurora borealis on the night of the great solar storm of march 1989, of course. eyes widen at the stack of envelopes, looking them over. he’s still a little stunned, unsure of how to react to such a gift. “ wow, ” his voice is soft, “ this is a lot. i don’t really know what to say. though i’m really tempted to open one. ”  

– LOUIS HADN’T WANTED TO SAY THAT, so he just nods. he hates the idea of something more sinister, sure, but even more than that, he hates the idea of jas being a pawn in it. if they’d do this to her, there’s no telling what the limits are. “ i hate this, ” he admits out loud, “ i just . . . i know we’ll never be REALLY safe in our profession, but i’d feel better if we could be together. i don’t want to leave you here, and, well, obviously i have my reasons for thinking that gallagher isn’t exactly as well protected as it claims to be. ” considering that he was stabbed despite touted state-of-the-art security. teeth sink into his lower lip for a beat, and while he knows that jas can protect himself, likely better than he can, it doesn’t make him like the idea of being apart from her under the circumstances any better. he hugs her a little tighter, trying to focus on the here and now, that she’s currently in his arms and they’re together, rather than think about the future where they part ways and he’s spending many sleepless nights worrying about whether she’s resting well. after all, he’d never expected such footage to be leaked, what else could happen that he didn’t expect ? “ i’m sorry. i never want you to feel badly, i know – i know you were protecting me, and that means . . . so much more than i could ever really express, ” but it’s never going to change the fact that what happened in the sublevels put jas in danger, in so many ways, even before this tape was released. and she did it for him. “ but i could never, ever forgive myself if something happened to you because of all this. you do understand that, right ? ” his voice wavers slightly as his speaks, words heavy with intention. he’s not trying to make her feel bad, he just wants her to know how he feels – which, louis can count on his hands the amount of people he’s ever wanted to put the effort in to make himself completely known to them. but he needs her to know everything, even if it’s needy or a little selfish. his expression softens at her request, even if the tightness in his chest isn’t totally resolved. “ if you leaked the tape to get me out here, admit it now because that would make me feel a whole lot better, ” he teases, kissing the tip of her nose. “ but yeah, that sounds nice. ” he’d escape the world with her forever if he could. 

– “IT’S OKAY, I’M PATIENT,” HE LAUGHS, attention focused on her as she settles in across from him with a considerable amount of energy, more than he had if so many people had gone out of their way to spoke to him. he’s had his head buried in a computer screen all morning, and has just pulled himself out of that haze to have lunch with her. “ i haven’t even told my coworkers my birthday, ” he admits with a sheepish grin, “ and don’t you dare do it, that’s just between us. but people here are nice – and they like you. so, it’s not really all that surprising, ” he says, unwrapping his sandwich ( gluten-free bread, naturally. ) “ have you thought about what you want to do for dinner tonight ? ” he asks, though it’s a question mostly to start the conversation – he knows she’s thought about it, probably has a plan and several back-up plans, but he’s extremely comforted by that, by the way her mind works. it’s one of the many reasons why he loves her. 

– HE JUST SMILES AT HER, because she’s right – he probably wouldn’t bring it up unless it really did feel particularly important or unless he wanted to talk about it. she knows that though, of course, which is one of the reasons louis has always felt so comfortable around jas – she seems to read his mind sometimes, or when she doesn’t, she just seems to understand the moments where he might not want to be read. as someone who grew up spending a lot of time alone, sure, he craves her company, but there are also times where he wants a certain amount of space and privacy, and jas has always seemed to know how to walk that line perfectly. “ there’s not some sort of spy requirement to use emojis or anything ! in fact, it was sort of weird to see him use an emoji, since, well, they’re more emotive than he is in person. but i think as long as he doesn’t get into bitmoji, i can adjust. ” he nudges her lightly with his shoulder anyhow, but he kind of likes that she’s sticking up for his dad in this instance. he actually think it has made things a lot easier for him and his father, having a presence like jas to connect them – the way introverts need extroverts sometimes. “ i don’t know. i don’t actually know that much about the logistics of crying, and i’m starting to realize that i shouldn’t argue with the expert on it, ” because he really has never met anyone that cries as much as jas does, but genuinely he loves it – for a lot of reasons, aside from the fact that it’s her, it’s a huge comfort for him to be around someone that displays their emotions so openly. though logic surrounding it aside, he thinks he just loves all the things that make jas who she is, uniquely, and he feels lucky to be privy to so many of those moments. “ my thumbs have been training my whole life for this, actually, ” he adds lamely. he pulls her closer, a low laugh escaping his lips, “ you want to talk about the future right now ? ” louis asks, a kiss pressed to her neck and then her jawline. “ i think we’ll do it just as much, because we’ll have more time together. i don’t think there’s ever going to be a point where i can get enough of you. ” 

– “I DIDN’T MEAN IT IN A WEIRD WAY! i just meant that obviously i wouldn’t come back to campus when you’re gone because then i’d really have no reason to, so...this IS my last chance, because as cool as the astronomy tower at gallagher academy is, i’m not sure it’s worth visiting actual gallagher academy for. ” louis grins sheepishly, but in his defense, he did get stabbed here. and people keep dying, so – he figures he’s probably safer the farther that he is away from this place...but, of course, he’d do anything for jas, so he continually hauls his ass back to campus when there’s opportunity to see her. “ that would be fun, ” he agrees with a smile, “ sounds like our kind of trip, anyway. at least...i think it is. though, if you weren’t actually that into astronomy, you could stop pretending at this point, i’m already in love with you. ” he’s teasing, mainly because he doesn’t think jas could keep up a ruse like that for that long, and if she was really going to humor all of his interests, she’d play more minecraft. but still, louis knows a lot more things about her interests than he ever would have before, like the fact that all nail polish colors have funny names for no reason, never just ‘green.’ “ it’s not sweaty in the fun way ! ” louis argues, as if there is a clear difference, but still, he scrunches his nose when he laughs, shaking his head at her. still, he feels incredibly lucky to be with someone that seems to find all things about him attractive, and he supposes that’s why they’re able to celebrate one year together – because they’re so stupidly in love with one another that even things that other people would overlook or find uninteresting, they love about each other. he figures it was like that from the moment that he first met jas, he was fixating on things about her that he wouldn’t have noticed in anyone else, like the cadence of her voice or her tendency to ramble, her close attention to detail, or all of her cute outfits. and louis is not the sort of person who really notices people’s outfits, but he would always notice hers. maybe that was just part of always wanting to know more about her – memorizing the smallest details, taking what he could get. if only he could tell his past self how much he would have now, but even then, he’s pretty sure he still would have savored every little thing. “ i know. you’re an extremely expert gift-giver, it’s sort of intimidating, ” he points out, a gentle kiss to her lips. he unwraps the gift as she presents it, features confused at first but they quickly relax in understanding. “ wall art...the boldest of gifts...” he trails off before smiling widely, “ but of course i love it. just like i remember it. definitely top five favorite skies. ” 

– IT'S NOT AN EASY MEMORY TO RELIVE. sure, there are parts of it that he's proud of – the way that he managed to ward of his attacker and protect luce, it gave him CONFIDENCE in himself that he might not have found otherwise upon graduation. but not only was he nearly killed, but someone died because of him – and louis doesn't have the sort of vengeful heart that could feel good about that. he understands it all objectively, that cecil was a bad person and that he deserved what he got, but there's always a twist in his stomach when he thinks about everything that happened, always watching over his shoulder like some brotherhood member might one day take revenge on him for causing the death of a fallen brother. it's maybe a little irrational, but the memory keeps coming back up no matter how hard he tries to forget, and the idea of the video of cecil's death circulating again, that man's name on the tip of every gallagher student's tongue...it does make him feel a little sick. it's true that he cares more about jas, about her future and what this means, but it is also sort of NICE to make this about her, about how she's feeling, because he doesn't know how to unpack his own mind. " i do know that. and you don't...i mean, we don't have to talk about it again, i know how you feel and you know how i feel. this is a separate issue – that someone took it upon themselves to spread that tape when it wasn't any of their business, " there's actually a bite to louis's usually soft-spoken tone, a bit upset on her behalf. anyway, thankfully people trying to kill him hasn't become an occurrence of habit and they haven't had to worry about such a thing since. " hey, it's okay. i don't want you to feel bad about it, " he says, reaching out to pull her close, wrapping his arms around her, " it was a lot to process, especially back then when i was still trying to wrap my head around everything that happened. and i know...well, i know how scary it is to have someone you love and be worried you could lose them. i worry about you all the time. but if that's a constant with how happy you make me, then it's worth it. ” still, he doesn't like discussing the ethics of the situation, he's just more happy to be near her now, more grateful with each passing second. " i missed you too, " he laughs weakly. " i like being here under better circumstances too, even for all the fancy galas. but i wanted to be here now just as much. "

– "I'LL KEEP YOU POSTED," LOUIS SAYS, and he will, only that he's not going to say anything to his father – he doesn't need the big bucks, he has jas ! and a job in tech. still, louis knows that his relationship with his father might be fragile, but it IS healing. he might not have texted yet today, but : " the other day, he texted to ask how my day went. even used an emoji, by the way, " it's an insignificant update, but he'd liked it and he knows jas will care to hear about it, regardless of how small. " i didn't even know he knew what those were. " he doesn't think his dad is the type to use emojis, so it's more a sign that his dad is really trying than anything else. " yeah, we can call it a tie, " he agrees. " for now, i suppose, " he adds with a grin. but it's true that he does feel like they've both won in a way, because they're both really happy. " i think if your tear ducts produce tears, it's crying ! i guess if not one single tear comes out of your eyes it's just...about to cry or your eyes are watering, but...see, i don't know what i ever did to them! your tear ducts, i mean, " he laughs, though at this point he supposes it's a lot better than no reaction because he's used to jas being so expressive and it's something that he loves about her. it also might be something that he needs, because she always makes him feel so secure in the relationship. she wears all her emotions on her face around him, and louis doesn't think he could really be with someone that was stoic or unemotional because he'd always feel insecure about where he stood. jas is so naturally good at never leaving him any room to wonder. he's a bit lost in her kiss for a while, lips pressed to hers unable to think about anything else. so much so that it takes him a while to process her question – or to even realize she's asked something. " oh, what ? " he falters, " just...conscious of making the most of them like this, you know... " he trails off with a little smile before he leans in to kiss her yet again. that's intentional how.

– “I GUESS SO,” HE LAUGHS, “ though that’s not what i meant, but...you also know that i am completely incapable of arguing with you. ” louis scruches up his facial features as she fixes his hair, but he’s smiling by the end of it. “ does it look better ? ” he asks her, though he shakes his head as if he’s shaking off the tidiness like a dog drying itself off. “ i don’t know what he’d want a son for when he’s got so many great daughters, but i won’t complain. i’m...well, i’m really happy that he’s been so welcoming – everyone has, about being part of the family. i’ve never really...well, you know i’ve never really had anything like this before, christmas mornings with a family and all, so i feel even more lucky to be part of yours, mainly because it feels so perfect for me, ” mainly she feels perfect for him, but he likes her family a lot, too and it feels really nice to be somewhere for the holidays that he feels like he belongs. “ oh, come on, now you’re just being excessive,” he laughs, kissing her cheeks three times, one for each compliment. “ alright, ” he finally gets out of bed after kissing her lips one last time, holding out his hand to her, “ let’s go make some ridiculously sweet hot chocolates, then. ” 

– “IT’S TRUE, I GUESS THIS IS MY LAST CHANCE,” LOUIS LAUGHS, because he has no intentions of coming back to campus when jas isn’t there – most of his friends won’t be there either, so there will be no real reason to come back. however, he is a little speechless when he arrives, eyes trained up at the sky for a moment, breathless. it is the best view on campus. “ yeah, other than that, it’s just any other normal day, huh ? ” he says with a teasing smile on his face, because obviously it isn’t. louis knows that in the past, they’ve defined their one year differently – jas says their first date, when they kissed, and he’s argued that it’s later than that, when they officially started dating...she’s let him win out today, and he’s glad for it – though both times mark a point where he had the courage to act on his feelings and was rewarded with the confirmation that she felt exactly the same way. “ i’m kind of worried i’ll get sweaty, so it’s probably for the best, ” he says. “ okay, well, i just thought i should say it, ” he says, a lightness in his step as he walks with her. it’s amazing to him to think about how far that they’ve come in a year, genuinely how NERVOUS he was to kiss her that first night on the roof, but he knew that it was the right moment and that he’d regret it forever if he didn’t. perhaps that was the first step to trusting himself a little more, because he acted on an instinct, and since then...things have been perfect. he’s no longer the guy that things just don’t work out for, because they do. “ giftS ? ” he emphasizes the plural, eyebrows raised before he breaks into a smile, “ you’ve seen the size of my apartment, jas michaud. ” it’s not exactly large, and next year he’s got a whole new person to fit. “ but i did expect this. i got you something, too. ” 

– “I’M NOT HERE TO TALK ABOUT ME, JAS,” louis says, concern present in his voice, because ‘fine’ is such a vague word anyway and all things considered, he really IS fine. he’s here with her, after all, and they’re not in any immediate danger. however, for someone who always drives five under, he drove a little over the speed limit on his way here because he couldn’t stop thinking about her and how much he needed to be there, that he wouldn’t feel even CLOSE to fine until they were standing like this with her arms around him. she’s the one who has to stay on campus with peers that watched it, made judgements about her because of it ; he doesn’t think he can make this about him, it wouldn’t feel right. “ i know you aren’t, ” though he still thinks that maybe she should be, a tiny bit, because it was a man who was already in custody. “ and honestly, i don’t really care who else was there any more, or...even in the first place, though i am glad that you didn’t go down there ALONE. that’s probably the extent of which i care about it, though, because none of those other people are my girlfriend, who i love very much and know that she went down there for me. ” he supposes this was something that was always possible, but he also thinks that it is a moment that shouldn’t have been caught on tape – as much as he doesn’t like cecil, the fact that now the entire student body had access to watch him in his last moments seems gross and disrespectful to the dead. it makes louis feel even more guilty for what happened, and naturally only he would be worried about disrespecting the person who tried to kill him in the first place. “ and regardless...it doesn’t make me feel good. that video shouldn’t have become public, i mean, i care more because you’re in it, but...period. ” teeth drag across his lower lip for a moment, squeezes her hand lightly because it feels like the only thing that can ground his clouded thoughts. “ yeah. just walking sounds nice. ” 

– WHEN JAS SUGGESTS HE GET LOST, he knows she’s up to something because usually, they’re pretty well-attached whenever he comes to visit. still, it’s a good excuse to go catch up with kass, who just accepted a job in his department after graduation ( he may have talked her up quite a bit ) but he’s still thinking of jas in the back of his mind for the entirety of it. they haven’t talked much about graduation or what comes next in explicit terms, only a vague plan that she’d move in with him after graduation and find a job in d.c. “ the astronomy tower, i never would have guessed, ” he laughs lightly, but it’s actually the perfect night all things considered ; because louis loves stargazing, all things astronomy and space, and...jas likes things that are pink ? okay, and she’s also pretty tapped into the goings-on of the night sky with all they’ve talked about it. still, it’s a nice collection of combined interests, like the universe teamed up for them today to do all it could to make this one perfect. “ i’ve got nothing against sleeping bags, ” he says, returning her kiss. louis doesn’t know why he’s shocked that she’s gone to such an effort or that it looks so beautiful, but he revels in it, never wants there to be a point where he’s too used to this or it just becomes expected. “ but this is perfect. i...feel like i should tell you that you didn’t have to do all of this, but i’m probably starting to sound like a broken record at this point. thank you. ” 

– “GREAT, I WILL RELAY THE MESSAGE TO MY FATHER,” HE SAYS IN JEST, knowing damn well that he won’t. but he’s pretty sure that she knows that anyways. his dad actually hasn’t even texted yet, but louis isn’t surprised ; he’s not sure if his dad remembers, it’s not like he’s ever been present for his other birthdays and louis is trying to remember if he and his dad have ever talked about it. maybe he doesn’t even know the day he was born. ( realistically, of course his father is aware, and has probably spent hours trying to figure out the proper way to contact louis because louis’s dad’s social skills are egregious, but he also spent like fifteen years in hiding and not talking to people. ) “ can’t we both be the biggest winners ? ” louis argues, turning to fully and leaning in to kiss her because it is his birthday and he thinks he should be allowed ; to get lost in her a moment, to hold her impossibly close and as much as he likes a big speech, he certainly likes when they don’t talk at all. it’s impossible for him not to be thankful for his birthday on a day like today when he has a girlfriend that makes him so happy to be able to celebrate it. “ i know that they’re happy tears, but there’s definitely something inside of me that panics every time you cry because of me, ” he says this lightheartedly, laughter on his lips, “ so, maybe by the time i get used to it will be the time that you get used to it, wouldn’t that be an irony ? ” he says, brushing the hair away from her face. it’s not surprising that she knows so much, of course, because she’s exceptionally smart and it is her area of expertise, “ well, thank you for telling me about it. sometimes it’s pretty hard for me to find the words to express that i feel the exact same way. ” he’s not sure there’s any earthly equivalent for it, but he appreciates the quest for trying. “ that just means we’ve got to be intentional about making the most of the ones that we’ve got. ”