Je Vous Salue

Tell me, why does my soul breathe whenever I am with you?

You might be a Ragnarsson, but we are the sons of the bear. You might scar our skin, but one day the bear will swallow the old boar and his piggy and feast on their remains.

Training to Fight

‘King Alfred and Ubbe..they form a bond together.  Alfred shows Ubbe how to join this new world and Ubbe shows him the ways of the old.’ (Jordan Patrick Smith on Ubbe and Alfred’s Alliance in 5B)

‘What’s that old saying? Keep your friends close but your enemies closer?’ (Ferdia-Walsh Peelo on Ubbe and Alfred’s alliance in 5B)

So sorry this is going up late, I usually try to get these finished the night the episode airs but—confession—I kinda accidentally watched several episodes of Riverdale last night. ANYWAY. 

Let’s jump in. 

Question of the week: 

See that look? That’s the Bjorn Ironside Panty Dropper look right there. How about y’all? Serious question. Would it work on you? 

Be honest. 

It’s worked on about 154 women on this show alone. 

Vikings on the Run - I’m pretty sure they just recycled a few script pages from 4A when Rollo had thrown his ex Viking pals in the dungeon, but swapped out Floki’s lines and gave them to Bjorn, and Lagertha was the cool and collected one this time. I mean, we’ve been here before. Same with them being released and a big YEAH NEVERMIND you’re not prisoners anymore, sorry about that, haha. 

So then Ubbe and Torvi run around play-fighting each other and acting cute while Saxons look on in disdain … and Bjorn looks around at everyone in disdain, but like, at an angle, so you know he’s truly disgusted with each and every single last person in England. 

At first I thought he was just bending due to tallness, but no, that’s just how he is all the time now. 

And boy does Alfred’s new intended, the lady Aelswith, love that particular angle. 

The Saga of King Ivar - So it turns out Freydis isn’t actually magic with making Ivar’s dick work, she’s just a player. The fact that he’s believing everything she’s saying makes him look seriously weaksauce. He brings her out before the great hall and announces that she’ll be his wife/queen. Maybe he’ll even sit her on a chair that he pissed in and everything … but I noticed that the guy who actually GOT her a chair to sit in next to Ivar’s throne is the same guy she awkwardly bounces on top of in a barn later. Turns out “Ivar the God” isn’t the one who knocked her up in some blood magic/immaculate conception ritual … she’s actually probably just been banging this other dude for awhile now. 

And Ivar believes this shit even though he scoffed at Heahmund’s tale of the Virgin Mary last season (or first half of the season, whatever). I suppose magic babies only appear in the religion you happen to believe in. Or when beautiful women insist you are a god. 

What. A. Dumbass. 

King Ivar. A dumbass around “magic” pussy. Like father like son. 

I actually think it’s Freydis they should’ve assassinated and not Margrethe. Margrethe was obviously suffering, and she didn’t deserve to die like that. But her delusions were never really taken seriously, while Freydis’ are being served to and lapped up by the King. 

And wait wait, back up. It happens very quick, but Margrethe admits that she’s gone mad because she can’t have children with anyone … and I’m just like … ugh. Like being queen will fill the hole inside of her that not being able to have children left. She says this to Hvtiserk, he doesn’t listen … says some typical fuckboy bullshit like “nah, you’re just tired” … and then BAM, assassins. Knives thrown at her while she begs for her life and her throat slit. 

So gross. And a MURDER MOST FOUL ASSHOLES. 

Spanglo-Saxons - I found myself noticing that the young Alfred likes his wine, and hell I don’t blame him. He’s got some things to worry about, like his impending marriage and the fact that the church wants to kill him, and his brother probably wouldn’t be that sad about it. 

But seriously, this kid is making me think that he might not live too terribly in the shadow of The Last Kingdom Alfred. He’s not bad. Which means on this show he’s phenomenal. 

The one thing I respect about Alfred at this point is that he’s always real with people, straightforward, doesn’t lie, and stands his ground even with tall scary Vikings in his face. I feel like this kid could perhaps actually become Alfred the Great. He’s also got Heahmund on his side, who just WENT TO TOWN on that weasel who took over his bishopdom. Alfred’s got his own superhero, y’all, complete with Batman Voice. 

I also thought it was cute when Heahmund, I mean, HEEIICKmund, straight up told Lagertha that the new bishop of Sherborne wants the King dead. He trusts her, you guys. 

It’s sweet. 

Ahem. 

But it might not be appreciated that he killed a bishop in a church. Just sayin’. I mean, I’ve watched The Last Kingdom and they were ready to execute Uhtred over accidentally bitchslapping a guy to death in a church. But this is History’s Vikings, so who knows. 

I’m so annoyed right now. I haven’t been watching the show for that long but it’s obvious that since season 4 it went downhill. For me 4b, even though thats when the sons were introduced as older, was extremely underwhelming. 5a was okay. Again I feel like it was a mess and none of the story lines made sense. Now 5b trailers are coming out and every one is freaking the fuck out. So here are my opinions on the trailers I have seen.

1) I feel like lagertha needs to die, and should have in the first half. It’s being dragged on and I’m bored. Over it tbh. (Kathryn’s great but she gotta go)

2) People are hating on Ubbe for being a bad husband like what the fuck? He married a girl who doesn’t even truly love him and fucked all of his brothers to become something better than a slave like why do ya’ll feel bad? He deserved better and we all know you guys hate margrethe so when she dies are we really losing sleep over it?

2) I FUCKING LOVE ALFRED. MY SASSY JESUS LOVING KING.

3) Hvitserk deserves better and if I see one person hate on him for “betraying” Ivar I will lose my shit. If Ivar doesn’t want to get hurt by him than maybe instead of being an ass he should respect him. Besides at least Hvitty can fight……

4) The people of Kattegat are going to fucking hate Ivar being king (simply becouse he’s probably the worst person to rule there) and I can’t fucking wait. And since certain people who are on the show for 3 min already spoiled that He won’t be king long. Lmao.

5) Ivar’s bullshit love story…do I need to say more? Also has already been spoiled that that doesn’t last long either and that she cheats or something so all you crazy ass people need to chill the fuck out. Girl had her minute and 30 seconds of fame let it go.