Child of Uranus and Gaia

I think I love you, but the truth is I don’t even know what love is anymore. This isn’t your fault, and this isn’t his either. This is the result of a broken family, of a dad that left, of a mother that spent years consumed by darkness and was unable to see her daughter being consumed by the same darkness. This is the result of a family that doesn’t talk about their feelings after we have lost members to those dark feelings.  I think that if I knew what love was, that it would feel a lot like being held in your arms, closing my eyes and feeling safe.

Cat print is so cool

I think you are ‘that’ one. Not 'the’ one, but that one that I compare everyone to.  I don't love you anymore, but I think one day I may get married, and I will be happy and my husband may do something to wind me the wrong way. And for a brief moment my mind will take me back to us. To how you used to make me feel, and a comparison will be made. I talk to guys in bars and they are great, they aren’t you - but they are still great in their own right.  You made an impact on my life in all the best ways; and there is no bad blood. I treasure the short time we spent together, but  I think you have set the bar for me.

The answers aren’t at the bottom of bottles, or the end of cigarettes, or in strangers mouths; yet here I am trying to distract myself in all the worst ways.  You can fix this, you see me circling the drain but you still won’t tell me why. So I drink a bottle of vodka to stop my mind from racing. Was it my personality, or that I’m not skinny enough? Maybe you found another girl who was everything I’m not. Is it because I get consumed in sadness? Was I too much? Too little maybe? Is it the mood swings? I mean I can imagine it would be hard to figure out which version of me you will have to deal with each day. Or is it that I didn’t need you as much as your ex did? Did I give you too much independence? Did you want me to ask you where you were and who you were with? Was it because I acted like one of the boys around your friends? Because I know their girlfriends would fit into the ‘girlfriend’ roll very well, but that just isn’t me. You told me “I can’t do this anymore. It’s over” and now you ask me dumb shit like “why are you acting like this?” You actually can’t see how I am turning myself inside out trying to find the answer as to why I am not good enough for you.