we're all mad here

The over-use of Xanax really made me do the craziest shit. So many nights I can’t remember, friends lost over things I don’t remember doing or saying. Waking up in the morning not knowing how I got where I was. But what people mostly saw was the carefree party girl I wanted to portray. Not that I didn’t embarrass myself (which I did; but never even comprehended). The truth is, I lost myself to addiction. No one saw the nights I would go home screaming I wanted to kill myself because I took too many that night and somehow saw everything in my life as wrong. No one knew why I was saying and doing all these irrational out of character things. No one saw the come off; no one noticed I was losing hours, nights, days, WEEKS. Eventually the girl on those drugs became who I was and who people expected me to be. And if it wasn't obvious, I’m just here to say it’s totally NOT worth it. Those of you who have spoken to me personally about the drug knew I would never give it to anyone (first time users) I cared about- so why was I putting it in my body? I’m one week clean. Was the fun worth the losses a drug addiction brings? My relationship, my family, my home, school, a higher position at my job, my closest friendships (or should I say “friendships”)-gone before my eyes. But most importantly the respect of friends and family. It took me a long time to be able to admit myself that I was addicted, that I even could be addicted! (I thought somehow I could self-prescribe a pill and take it in moderation). I realized that I couldn’t stop with out some force. I lost myself into a different world. A world I’ll never be proud of-the saddest part is we all knew that what we were doing could kill us, we just didn’t care. I’m ending my relationship with the drug before it ends me. I know a week isn’t very long-but hey I couldn’t go a day or 2 with out the drug or at least a feeling of withdrawal from it until I could get my hands on it again. My list of apologies to the people I hurt while on pills could honestly go on and on; but the biggest apology is to myself for the year of hell I put her through. Here’s to kissing drugs goodbye, here’s to a week and so much longer!