without a throne

“That’s cool.” Maybe in a different situation, on another life she’d of asked him to prove it. But now and here, a thats cool was all he was going to get out of her. Everything in her eyes was dull, it was like there was a film over everything and no matter how many times she’d try to blink it away it didn’t happen. At his words, she nodded, she didn’t remember much of the Gala, she’d been loaded out of her mind, he was lucky she could walk. “You don’t have to say that.” It felt like he was saying something out of obligation, she didn’t know why, but maybe he felt like he had to? She didn’t know. “It’s okay.” She said, looking out at the lake. She’d never told him she’d gotten arrested for that dress, or the subsequent conversation with a wanna be lawyer that ended her here, but she was here, and that all didn’t really matter now. Now she was stuck. She didn’t know what to say, he looked cold, he should go inside where its warm, but she knew if she suggested it, he’d probably of just told her no, however– “if you’re cold you can go. You don’t have to stay.” 

Amiri shook his head at the mention of an obligation, holding himself tightly in himself. “I’m not saying it because I have to... I’m saying it because I want to.” He mused, pulling his hat down around his ears, chuckling softly when she told him to leave. “I want to stay... I’m not cold.” Amiri shrugged, scooting a bit closer to Sav out of pure instinct rather than for personal gain. “I still can’t believe you were some softball playing, beach blonde...” He laughed, unable to imagine such a thing. “I’m sure you were still banging...” Amiri wondered, though knowing that Sav was always banging.  

“I didn’t know you did music.” She said quietly. After all, they really didn’t know anything about each other, other than well, what put the other over the edge but that didn’t mean anything. “Rich people are rude.” She said as a rather bold statement. “My parents were never like that.” Hell she was still to pick a major. Even now she didn’t know. Her lively was widely unfinished, but she didn’t know how to piece it back together. “Sorry.” She said with a frown, no one should have had inattentive parents. Hell, her parents were the polar opposite, they were practically doting. “I didn’t have to wait on anyone at The Gala.” She said with a shrug, “though I did my fair share of avoiding.” 

“Yeah, I play the piano...” He explained, smiling as he thought about the happiness that came by letting his fingers dance over the ivory keys. “Don’t apologize...” Amiri whispered, not wanting to hear that word from Sav. He looked over at the redhead, always finding it easier to watch her when she wasn’t trying to do the same to him. “I enjoyed our time at the Gala.” Amiri admitted, remember it as the first time the two had hooked up, despite being under the influence. He paused a moment, words lingering on his tongue. “I always enjoy our time together... even before we were fucking.” Amiri spoke gently, pulling his knees up into his chest, maintaining his own body heat at this point since getting closer to Sav wasn’t any option. “I’m sorry for getting jizz on your dress.” He apologized, never really doing it properly the first time around.

For the first time, him touching her made the girl’s skin crawl. She didn’t want to be touched, she didn’t want to talk, but she couldn’t tell him to go away. This was a public place, she couldn’t dictate what happened here. She had half a mind to shrug out of his arm, but she didn’t. It all came back to the excess energy she didn’t have to spare. “You don’t want to.” She made up his mind for him. She didn’t want to, why would anyone else. She was just gross, the thought of taking a shower now was just exhausting. The thought of doing anything was exhausting. “I don’t want to go anywhere.” She stated, “but you can leave if you want. I mean, feel free.” She shrugged, she certainly wasn’t keeping him here. The redhead was silent for a long time listening to the lake wash back up at them. It was all she needed, all she’d wanted coming out here. But after the silence, she spoke, “so Yale?” 

There wasn’t much reaction to him putting his arm around Sav, which Amiri found a bit concerning because she always found a reason to yell at him. He gently moved his arm back to his side, letting his hands rest in his lap. “You don’t have to go anywhere.” Amiri shrugged, chuckling gently as it seemed Sav was now making all the decisions... even for him. The two sat in silence, Amiri’s mind wandering around as he though of everything from whether he turned off the heater when he left to how bees managed to fly with their tiny wings. He was pulled from his deep thoughts when Sav spoke, looking over at the redhead. “Yeah, Yale...” Amiri nodded, his mind now drifting towards his parents. “I was in my last year and I dropped out.” He explained, letting his fingers play around in the sand again. “I wanted to be a music major and my parents refused... and planned for me to graduate with a degree in business so I’d become rich like them.” Amiri shrugged, not really thinking the story was that exciting. Sure, he was disowned for it and had to sell his favorite thing in the world in order to make rent and pay for heat, but walking was better for the body than a nice BMW. At least that’s what he told himself. “The last thing I want to be is rich... all it brought me was being alone and inattentive parents.” Amiri smiled a bit bitterly at the situation, looking over at Sav. “I had to wait on them at the Gala and they didn’t even acknowledge me... not that they did much before.” He chuckled.

“Okay, if I go to Salamanca in March, it is nice weather, the lowest it drops to is probably forty degrees. But — it is super rainy. My aunt is going to the Andes. Which sounds, like, too tempting to pass up, you know? Where would you go? It doesn’t have to be one of those two, you could just say nowhere and that’d be boring but okay.”

“Beach blonde.” She clarified. She was always outside, her hair was always sun bleached and her skin was always dark, like she belonged in some sort of surfing movie. At his compliment, even if she could call it that, she did was nod. There wasn’t anything to say about it. What she did notice was, she looked at him, and he was quick to look away, it did nothing but made her stomach sink. She knew she looked bad, but maybe not that bad. She’d always roved her with his eyes, now he was nothing but looking away. Maybe that was a sign. The more she thought about it, the more she figured she’d sank. Even in just a week, but on the way down, there was no stopping point. 

A harsh shiver ran through her bones, causing the girl the pull the coat tighter around her frame. “Nah.” She shook her head, “I’m really dirty. You shouldn’t have to clean that up.” If she thought about it, the last time she’d showered was at his apartment, and she wasn’t sure how long that’d even been. Her days were blending together. “Thanks, though.” 

Amiri waited until she felt her eyes come off him, letting his gaze fall back on her. He was afraid... surely if Sav really trained her eyes on his, she’d learn all his secrets before he even had the chance to blink. But he could never keep his eyes off the redhead for long when she was in his proximity... it was like bees to honey. Amiri noticed as she shivered, moving closer to Sav as he put his arm around her shoulder, wanting to keep her warm. “Just because I shouldn’t... doesn’t mean I don’t want to...” Amiri chuckled softly, attempting to meet her eyes this time. “But we can just sit here... I have no place to be and no one who needs me.”

As he moved closer to her, she didn’t move the opposite direction. He could have sat in her lap and she wouldn’t have moved. Once she was down, she was down– energy to do more things than she actually had to was running low. “Short, long blonde hair, quick, a little too strong for your body mass?” She question, “that’s a softball girl to a T. It’s kind of gross how type cast I was.” She sighed, “well, my hair used to be blonde.” Clearly it wasn’t anymore. Now it was a flag of her bad decisions. “Yeah. I was.” it was the first time Softball was going to be back in the Olympics since 2008. It was going to be an honor, now it was an honor for someone else. “Hey congrats.” It was the first time she’d actually looked at him since he walked up on her. “Yeah, they’re super cute. You should google them sometime. It’ll be the best thing you do with your day.” There were days she’d procrastinated in class just looking at cat pictures, waiting for the day she was going to have her own. Now well, someone else’s dream. “Uh.” She thought a second. Just the thought of food made her want to vomit. “Nothing. I’m not hungry.” 

“You were blonde?” Amiri raised an eyebrow, unable to imagine Sav with anything but her fiery red locks. It fit her. “Well, I like the red... it suits your... skin tone.” He spoke, not knowing why he was talking about at this point.... it was almost his fucked up way of talking about how attractive she was. Amiri met her gaze for a moment when she finally looked over at him, though he broke it first by looking down at the sand underneath them. Sav’s looks were always so heavy, he felt like three hundred pounds were dropped on his chest, though he’d never let her know. Though maybe he should, especially if she was going to go through with this whole killing herself thing. But Amiri didn’t even know what to say... he didn’t necessarily have feelings for Sav... but she was hot and he liked hanging out with her... fighting with her... fucking her... even doing whatever they were doing right now. “Understandable...” Amiri trailed off, his hand starting to draw small shapes in the sand. “Do you want to take one last hot shower? Clean up a bit?” He offered, assuming she’d probably decline but he felt the need to offer her everything he had... though it wasn’t much.

And then the tone changed. Before she felt he was trying to control the situation, and well– there wasn’t anything he could control. Her life was spiraling out of her control, and how could he control it if she’d lost control of it herself. Do what her brother would want her to do– how could she know. He was dead. He wasn’t selfish, so of course the answer was not what she was thinking, but at the same time, she was selfish. Together they made a whole person, he was the good parts, and she was the broken arrow. That’s how it’d always been since they were born. Without him, her impulse control was null and void. The shift in mood hit her. Now she almost felt bad for what she was thinking, but that was just it– almost. 

The movement of his hand, caught her eye, and willingly, she complied. As she sunk down to the ground, she grabbed the jacket he’d brought, wrapping it around her small frame. He was right, she was cold, despite the layers that were already covering her body. “I uh–.” She shrugged, she didn’t know what to say. She’d be remembered even if it wasn’t by him, she wasn’t exactly anonymous. “For the last four years, I’ve been a member of the National Softball team.” She’d travelled with them wherever they went. She’d travelled the world, she was nothing if not athletic. “I’m on the short list for the 2020 Olympics–” she paused, “or I used to be. I was going to school at Columbia. I really love cats. Fluffy cats, with the short legs. Taylor Swift is practically my life coach–” she paused again, “or she used to be.” Everything was starting to ring like that, everything that used to be. 

He was surprised when Sav actually sat down, watching as she wrapped the coat around her figure. Amiri made a bold move closer to the redhead for warmth, simply being close enough that his shoulder could touch at hers gently. “Never pegged you for a softball girl.” He nodded as his listened, though he could had guessed she was an athlete of some sort after seeing her naked. Sav was the perfect example of a well oiled machine and Amiri hated himself for thinking about how hot she was naked at time like this. He pinched at the inside of his wrist, bringing his mind back from wandering as he continued to listen. “You were going to the Olympics? That’s still an honor to be considered.” Amiri pointed out, looking over at the redhead when she mentioned Columbia. “Join the club... I dropped out of Yale.” He chuckled lightly, smiling. “Fluffy cats with short legs? That just sounds like a walking puff ball.” Amiri laughed, picturing a pillow just walking around. He wondered if by the way that Sav naturally talked in mostly present tense if she hadn’t completely convinced herself on dying... which meant there was still a chance she’d change her mind. “What would your last meal be? Taco Bell?” Amiri asked curiously, bumping his shoulder gently against hers.

Her name on his tongue prompted a luminous grin to spread wide at a full mouth, “And you’re Amiri.” She’d remembered– her thoughts had lingered about his features for a few brief moments following the gala. “It’s more I don’t want to interrupt them,” she quipped, remnants of smile remaining as a languid gait began taking her towards the other bathroom. “I can guard for you, too, after. Although I’m not great with confrontation and they may end up stumbling in even if I am there.”    

Amiri smiled gently when she remember his name. “You probably weren’t going to... they wouldn’t have noticed you.” He chuckled, moving to stand guard in front of the door, holding it open for the blonde. “I don’t need to use it... but thank you though.” Amiri laughed, glancing around the bar. “I am interested in a line of shots, if you are after?” 

“I know.” It was clear that it was snowing. She was wearing three jackets and two scarves. Her shoes were two sizes too big, but it didn’t matter because she was wearing 5 pair of socks in a vain attempt for her toes to not freeze at night. She should have been exceedingly unhappy being homeless right now, but somehow, she just didn’t care. And the others that were in similar predicaments shared with her. Jackets, places to sleep– it was a community. It wasn’t until after she’d said that what she’d said could have been taken either way, she knew he was looking for her, or she knew about the snow. She didn’t actually know the first thing, but she wasn’t going to get caught up in clarifying. “Thanks.” She said as she looked down to the thing on the ground. Not that she’s be getting much use out of it now, her mind was driven one way. 

“No.” She shook her head, “he wasn’t just my sibling. He was my twin brother!” Her version of yelling was quiet, still below a normal talking voice, “I didn’t even fucking go.” Tears were welling in her eyes, “he asked me to go to the festival with him, and I told him no.” It might have been her biggest regret. But she was busy, being a function student, a softball superstar– she was busy. All of that now was nothing but a distant past. “So you can’t fucking sit there, and tell me what to do, or what’s fucking stupid, because you’re right, you don’t even know.” 

Amiri stayed silent, letting the redhead get out what she had to say. He could sense the emotion in her voice, though she wasn’t yelling. She was crying, he could tell by how her tone changed slightly as he assumed tears built in her eyes. Amiri shrugged slightly, understanding what Savannah was trying to say, but he didn’t agree that suicide was ever the answer. “Do what makes you happy... do what your brother would want you to do...” He spoke softly, knowing at this point there wasn’t anything he could do to stop her decision. Even if he tried to prevent her from going through with it, surely she’d find a moment alone or out of his sight where she’d do it. Amiri glanced up at Sav from his position in the sand, patting gently on the space next to him. “Well, if this is gonna be it, Sav... at least tell me a bit more about yourself. Better to die remembered and I’ll very much remember you.” He smiled softly, trying to make light of the situation... though it was practically impossible. 

Why did he have another jacket. It was the first thing that ran through her head than saying thank you, or even reaching out to get it at all. The girl was constantly cold, it was the one thing she complained about all of the time, mostly because she was small, and she didn’t have that much body mass. Her keeping warm was a constant shiver, unless whatever she’d self medicated with stopped that, and right now it was. Savannah watched as the coat fell to the ground, giving no incantation that she was even going to bend down and pick it up. Maybe the cold would get her, that didn’t see so bad, but maybe it was the worst of it. “I don’t know.” She said below a whisper, words barely making it out to begin with. This wasn’t the final destination, this was just the stopping place. She wanted it short and quick. Drowning certainly wasn’t that. “I don’t plan on going in.” She said, Jason’s tie coiling around her fingers. She had a different plan. 

Amiri nodded as Sav spoke, noting the tie that was in her hands as how she seemed to wrap it and unwrap it from her fingers. “You know...” He started, eyes falling back out onto the lake water as he gathered his thoughts. “I had been looking for you for the last couple of days... checked all your usual spots... because I wanted to give you that old jacket since we’d gotten snow lately and it’s only going to get colder.” Amiri explained, looking back over at the redhead, studying her for a moment or two. Sav had never mentioned her brother to him, but he wasn’t dumb. The story had been all over the news and was the biggest thing to happen to this town in awhile. “I don’t have any siblings... so I’m not going to sit here and pretend to know how you feel or pity you... but I’m not going to let you do something stupid.” Amiri spoke sternly, internally vowing to try his best not to let any harm come to Sav.

She heard her name but she didn’t turn to look. She recognized his voice, so he didn’t have to tell her who it was, but she still didn’t turn around to face him. He moved oddly quiet, if he hadn’t of spoken she wouldn’t have been able to hear him, and now that she had, well, there wasn’t any escaping it. The tie tightened around her fingers as she continued to stare out at the like like she’d been looking for Jesus Christ himself. “I’m fine.” She said almost silently. If he’d of been any further away he wouldn’t have been able to hear her. They didn’t have that sort of friendship. They didn’t talk about the things that tore her apart. He wouldn’t of cared anyways, so why start now. She swallowed the lump in her throat, “i’m fine.” She repeated, but maybe more for herself than for him. 

Amiri watched for a moment, not really sure how to handle the situation. He and Sav were friends, for lack of a better word, but they definitely weren’t on the level to be sharing deep, dark information about one another. Nonetheless, he’d fucked her twice and that justified enough reason to say with her. “I brought you one of my jackets.” Amiri explained as he walked closer to her, handing the large jacket over so she could put it over all her clothes. “If we’re gonna be standing out here... you should at least be warm.” He smiled, plopping down in the cold sand as he looked out at the lake. “That water is probably freezing... there’s even a bunch of plates of ice out there floating.” Amiri spoke, glancing over at Sav out of the corner of his eye. “Unlike popular belief, it actually takes awhile to die of hypothermia in freezing water... I mean, its only around 36 degrees out right now... so it’d take at least 25 minutes and it’d be painful.” He moved to rest on his coat covered forearms as he continued to look out at the water. “And if you went in, well... I’d have to go out after you.”

Lids squeezed shut for a beat– faire features scrunched in a moment of distaste as she exited the bathroom, a melody of laughter spilling down the swell of a bottom lip as she attempted to burn the prior scene from her memory; thin fingers curling to the bicep of an approaching body, “There’s some people starting the New Year off with a bang in there–” she mused, remnants of mirth curving her mouth, “You may want to try the staff bathroom– it’s just around the corner. We can go together, if you’d like. Guard the door from those who have a similar idea to the ones in there for each other,” the subtle curve of her chin cocked, motioning towards the tiled room she had recently departed. 

Amiri wandered around the bar, not even paying attention when a somewhat familiar face grabbed onto his arm. “Nova? Right?” He asked, remember when they’d met at the fountain from the Gala. “Yeah, I’ll protect the bathroom for you while you’re in there... no drunken couples will be interrupting you.” Amiri assured. 

“I just moved to Lanford just after New Years, last year –– so i’ve never seen a proper NYC ball drop, is it worth it to go be surrounded by tourists for the night?” Farah asked the other, her blue hues moving the crew that were setting the ball up and to the person beside her.

“Its never worth it... you’re pinned next to strangers in the freezing cold...” 

        ( after a lot of confusion and changes )

        “Never say never.” Kenna growled, thinking that her own dad was capable of things – then what made Amiri, made any of them different? Giving up on trying to open the door, Kenna pressed herself up against the wall behind her. “Oh, I know what you’d do without me. You’d probably be up someone else’s ass, snorting whatever you get of those drugs and be just fine. Everyone is fine without me, don’t you see it?” She was pretty much screaming on the hallway, yet no neighbors came out to check what was going on. “I don’t want to come inside. I want to go home and sleep it off.”

Amiri watched as she moved to lean against the wall, frowning as she spoke. He moved towards the brunette, keeping a few inches between them, but also refusing to lay a hand on her at the moment. “Kenna, I need you.” The desperation in his voice was evident and the last thing he wanted to do was confess stuff like this so Kenna could have the upper hand, but it amazed him how blind she was. Amiri rubbed at his face, keeping his composure despite the fact that she was yelling. “I’m not fine without you... I haven’t been fine without you for years.” He admitted, looking away from Kenna when one of his neighbors opened their door, shooting them a hard look before the door was quickly closed again. “If you want to go home, then fine... at least let me walk you home.” Amiri didn’t really pose it as a question because he wanted to make sure she got home safe. 

“New year, new me, right?” She spoke to the lake, “that or like, new year no me.” The redhead ran the silk tie through her fingers. It would be easy. Then she wouldn’t have to fill the hole that was punched out by her brother. They could just both be gone, and then it would be easier on everyone. Her parents wouldn’t have to worry, hell– no one would. Since apparently she was on her way there anyways. What Jason had told her was sticking like glue. She couldn’t shake it. “Then I could just be with you, and the twin thing could be back in action.” The lake wasn’t talking back, no matter how much she wished Grant would emerge like some sort of strange Aquaman. “I don’t even know.” 

Amiri had been wondering where Savannah had been for the last couple of days. He was feeling concerned, unable to find her as he searched through streets at her usual hangouts or where she’d spend the night. He didn’t expect her to up and travel somewhere... especially with all the snow they’d previously gotten. However, it dawned on him that there was one place he had yet to check. 

His boots crunched slightly in the snow as he walked towards the lake, the noise stopping when he hit the slightly snowed sand. Amiri looked over at the redhead as she stood by the edge of the lake, talking to herself. “Sav...” He called gently, not wanting her to get scared or caught off guard. Amiri held an extra jacket in his hands, knowing Sav would probably be freezing. “It’s just Amiri... are you okay?” He asked, genuine concern in his voice as he walked closer to her. 

      If telling him that meant she was going to be even – hurt him the same way he hurt her, Kenna didn’t mind doing it. She would get vengeful and wouldn’t think, but she would also rarely regret them. Walking down the hallway ( thankfully she was smart enough not to leave the same way she came ) she couldn’t help but groan in discomfort when she heard his voice. Why wouldn’t he just let her go? Reaching for the door, trying to be as fast as possible despite the stumbling, Kenna just frowned when she couldn’t open the door. It was not long before she noticed his hand holding it shut, not letting her go to her way. “So what? Are you my father or something?” She told him bitterly, trying to open the damn door. “Let me fucking go Amiri. I’m not sneaking in your bed ever again. You hear me? You can do whatever you want with your life – just fuck off. I won’t dictate anything JUST LET ME GO.”

Amiri continued to hold the door shut, raising an eyebrow at her comment. He reached to turn her towards him, holding her from leaving with his other hand. “I will never be your father.” Amiri spoke firmly, never being more confident and serious about something in his life. “I can’t let you go.... That is why we’re here right now.” He explained, referencing to their whole fucked up situation. Amiri stayed silent for a moment, looking over at Kenna. “I don’t care if you never sleep over here again... I just can’t lose you again. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” He spoke honestly, knowing that Kenna knew very well how much he cared for her if she actually did listen to the CD he made for her. “Please, just come inside... I’ll do anything.”