Zach looked up at the other man with the slightest hint of confusion across his hardened features, hearing that his ex hated himself. Hated himself for what? For doing what he did? Or for allowing himself to fall in love? Either way, Zach felt hurt in every possible was as he stood there, unable to fully process what he was seeing.ย
โI buried you, Dylan. I buried you and I tried so fucking hardย to bury my feelings with you, but nothing made it easier. Not even the bottom of a fucking bottle of whisky. Over three goddamn years Iโve been dealing with this, and now you just waltz back into my life and try to make out like it was not a big deal? Do you even know how hard it all was?โ Having to try and go on with normal life when he came home to an empty bed, when he had to figure out what to do with Dylanโs clothes that sat in their wardrobeโฆย
โProtect me?โ The words were spat with venom as he scoffed.ย โYou think making me fall in love with you and then faking your death is protecting me? Every single decision Iโve made in the last three years has been based on a fucking lie. Do you even have any idea how that feels?โ It was so difficult for Zach, because in that moment, he didnโt know what to do with himself. There was a small part of him that just wanted to crumble into Dylanโs arms and hold him and pretend that he never lost him, but this man was not the man he fell in love with.ย โAlexander? So Dylan was all a lie tooโฆโ Somehow, knowing that the man he fell in love with was entirely fabricated didnโt make him feel any better.ย
โDonโt-โ He made to pull away when Alexander grabbed his hand, but it was too late and the contact had been made. It was as if an involuntary spark rushed through Zachโs body and his heart raced faster still.ย โAnd what about me? You didnโt do what you had to, you did what you had to do in order to manipulate me for Lane. Thatโs what you did.โ Of all the things that Zach had faced in his life, this was by far the hardest. Not losing his husband, that had been the most difficult until the moment he laid eyes on this man again. Now, it was coming to terms with his grief being manufactured by unseen forces.ย โWhy me?โ
ย ย ย ย ย he wished he could changes things, that he could go back and just take zach away from all of this shit-- alex would have happily turned his back on it all, and he should have. maybe it was the years of solitude that hardened him and his opinion of what they were doing, but regardless, he should have never allowed for this to happen; for zach to hurt this way.
ย ย ย ย at the otherโs words, alex furrowed his brows and narrowed his eyes slightly.ย โof course i know how fucking hard it was, zach. you didnโt just lose me-- i lost you too. do you think any of that was easy? that not being able to see you, talk to you-- touch you, do you honestly think that was just a breeze for me? well, it wasnโt. i kept tabs on you every single day, every goddamn minute, just to make sure you were okay, but i knew you werenโt, my love. neither was i. i tried to bury who dylan was too, but i couldnโt, because i could never forget about you... nor would i ever want to.โ it was true, he was used to creating new lives for himself and leaving old one behind, but that just wasnโt possible this time.ย
ย ย ย ย zach was his anchor, keeping him tethered to that other life, the life he wished he could go back to.ย โyes, it was. do you think lane would have let you live, if i didnโt make that sacrifice? to him, you were a distraction for me, and i refused to let you go, but i also knew what that could have meant if i didnโt... it was either i lose you forever, or i let you lose me for a while. regardless, it was hell, it was fucking hell and i hated ever second of it. do you honestly think i enjoyed watching you cry? watching you drink yourself half to death?! --and yeah, what you did might have been based on a lie, but MI6 was always a shit-show and you know it. ...still,โ he wanted to say he was sorry a thousand times, get on his knees and beg forgiveness, but he knew no amount of begging could fix what he broke.ย โonly the name, but i was really an analyst-- thatโs how lane found me. every other dumb fact about me was true too-- the person you fell in love with was real and heโs still here.โ
ย ย ย ย โno--โ alexโs voice was strained, the pain clear in his tone.ย โthat was never the intention, thatโs just how it turned out. he sent me out into the field to work for MI6 as their analyst, then i met you and... everything changed. i wasnโt supposed to fall for you, zach. i wasnโt even supposed to interact with you, let alone marry you! i couldnโt help myself though, i couldnโt help falling for you. it was never meant to be this way and i wish i could take it all back, but the truth is, it was never about you. it only became about you for lane, when he knew i had truly fallen in love. he figured it could compromise everything and i had to do what he needed me to do, in order to get me out of your life. i hate myself for what i did to you, zach, i truly do. youโre the only person i have ever loved like this and i hate that iโve put you through so much pain.โ he paused before he pulled his hand back and placed it over his other one, nervously turning the wedding ring on his finger.
ย ย ย ย โ...i know you can never forgive me, and i understand, i just needed you to know that it all wasnโt a lie. that i do love you, and iโm positive i always will.โ