Fatuous ramblings of a tree hugger

I’m a beautiful mess and that’s ok

I don’t know where else to vent. I came home from the hospital tonight and my pancreas is doing ok but the pain is so real. They have me on dilauded now and it’s making me nauseous. The zofran and shit isn’t helping. I can’t keep anything down. My spirits are high though I just feel physically crummy. Had to bail on Linds bday at the coast bc I had to sit in the hospital. I’m pretty sure there’s drama with S but I’m not trying to find out. We are adults if you have an issue just fucking tell me before I’m not around to tell. I’ve realized people don’t seem to get it. They know I’m suffering and sick and they see me in the hospital but they don’t Fucking get how bad it is. M is constantly asking what’s wrong, well maybe I have a pained look on my face because I’m literally dying idk. I wish people would just cut the shit and stop acting like I’m gonna get over this. Reality is harsh but it’s real and I appreciate it a lot more than the forgetful positive assholes around me. Mom wanted to know how long I have to get on a list- like yea let me get on that as if I’m shopping just for human organs instead of leggings. It doesn’t work that way. It’s frustrating to explain how I literally have to be in complete failure and that gives me what? A week? If I’m lucky? She doesn’t want to hear it. We both know she’s back in my life because I’m going through this, so I need her to grow a pair because the negativity and constantly having to talk about it is driving me crazy. Yea so that’s where I’m at. Everything is actually really great, I just need to feel better and get away from some of the people dragging me down. New doctor Tuesday, specialists to follow. All new. I’m hoping for a new answer because I’m just not ready to give up.