serenity

1. Cheap flights to basically anywhere (not that I can afford to fly anywhere rn but still)

2. No need to own a car - subway takes you literally everywhere

3. So many interesting places to go eat and drink coffee at and explore (Kensington alone would take weeks to eat your way through)

4. Many many beaches to go check out (hello first summer here)

5. Lots of parks and stuff (despite them being surrounded by grey cement)

6. Many young people

7. Diversity af

8. Rough rawness of human beings cramped together

I’ve already noticed all of the signs: suddenly TV shows I had no trouble ignoring all semester become the most important thing in the world. I gladly put off finishing my assignments if it means I get to sit through another boring, reiterative episode of Suits. Suddenly my mind slips and I can’t remember what confidence, or goals, or getting out of bed even means. Suddenly a sense of panic underlies and overlies every moment of my existence. Suddenly I’m getting sick and I don’t clean the house and there’s no time for anything and the hours go by so fast it’s like someone keeps knocking me out - I’m not here for them.

The vision I had a week ago was of myself, confidently finishing off the semester and getting on that airplane feeling relaxed and happy.

Now what I see is that no matter what, the anxiety about grades will keep me paralyzed. All I can do now is put in the time and the effort and try my best and hope that the rewards for that come, and that the rewards are enough. All I can do is hope that my CSC324 exam gets marked before I fly home, so I don’t have to spend the flight in an emotional abyss.

But really, I can do this. I’ve done it before where the circumstances were worse and I was weaker and keeping myself in a constant panic was all that worked.