one less problem without you

"I mean those words." Carter felt defenseless, in all of the ways possible. His words weren’t harsh, but they were very much bold and meaningful, and he wouldn’t doubt them if he tried. Of course, Preston was in no position to trust him; there had been the boyfriend before him, and then there had been himself. He hadn’t really given the best track record as a person, but he had hoped he had somewhat proven himself as a boyfriend in the past few weeks. He truly cared for Preston’s well-being, and in moments like these, they all seemed to just go downhill. There must have been a trigger, because he didn’t know how the boy felt so taken advantage of and weak. "And then he realized you were too good for him, Preston. Do you hear me? You’re too good for him.” He didn’t want to say too much. There had already been enough, and Carter was tired of seeing his boyfriend in so much agonizing, emotional pain. When the boy stood up, Carter looked at him with comforting eyes and a fearful heart. He didn’t know what the boy was planning on doing for the rest of the night, but it would obviously include being alone. “I don’t want you to believe me right now, you don’t have to trust me, even. Just… I want you to happy, and feel like you’re safe. I need you safe.” Carter stood up, as well, grabbing the phone from the table without looking at it and holding it in his hands. “Come on, we’re just going upset. Here,” He handed the boy his phone, knowing that he’d come into contact with a shaky limb. “Let me take you upstairs.” His voice was soft now, letting his fingers drape around the boy’s wrist, gently touching his fingers and letting them slide together. “Will you let me do that? I can start a shower for you, if you’d like. But I think you need to rest a little.” 

The worst part about the entire situation was that the rational part of Preston knew that Carter was being genuine, that he was trying his absolute best to just express his feelings for the boy without sounding like Grant once had. The problem was that even if Carter was being honest, Preston couldn't believe him. Not right now. Grant's words were too heavily influencing his mind right now, and everything just felt wrong. He wanted to go and hide under his blankets, to make it so that Carter couldn't touch him and hurt him like Grant had, and Preston knew that this was just so backwards but he couldn't get himself out of the mindset. "I don't believe you." It felt like the hardest thing to say those words, but when Preston did, it was almost like the realisation that he really didn't believe that Carter was being genuinely honest when he said that all he wanted was for Preston to be happy and safe. When Carter reached forward to return the phone, Preston took it, his hand shaking so hard that he was barely able to hold onto the device as he tried to put it into the pocket of his hoodie. It was a struggle, but by the time he managed, Carter was reaching for his wrist and panic was rising within the boy. "N-no," he breathed out, pulling back from Carter's grip before the boy could securely link their hands together. He shifted, crossing his arms over his chest in a defensive manner as he looked at Carter. "I — I can take care of myself. Just...please don't..." He didn't know what else he could say in this moment now that Preston was fucking everything up. Grant had gotten into his head, twined himself into all those terrible memories that he didn't want to revisit and dragged them to the surface. The reminders of Carter outing him in a similar manner to how Grant had was influencing him again, and Preston didn't want to be touched by someone that he wasn't sure was even there because he genuinely cared about him. He backed up, steps shaky, and when his foot hit the corner of the coffee table, he jolted, tripping over himself as a startled sob escaped his lips. As he fell to the floor, Preston curled upon himself, wiping at his eyes because it didn't hurt, but he felt like he was scared of everything right now and all he wanted was for it to stop. "I"m fine," he choked out, his voice wavering as he tried to convince himself of the impossible.

And just like that, Carter was completely thrown in the deep end. Where was all of this coming from? Was this… was this something he would have to deal with regularly? He knew that Preston was sensitive, and that wasn’t even bad. Preston knew what he wanted, but wasn’t one to show emotion unless something was truly bothering him. This was a whole new level of panic. Carter let go; he let go just like he had been instructed to do, and he stared at his boyfriend with the most concerned eyes that he could ever give. His heart hung in his chest when Preston brought up the fact that he was lying. Carter knew that he shouldn’t have said something, but he couldn’t help it— the words had already been thrown out, and there was just something  so wrong about this situation already. “I— why do you think I’m lying to you?” The boy was in full on panic mode, and Carter backed away because he couldn’t bare to think of what could happen if he tried to get close again. “I,” He licked his lips, shaking his head and knowing that the boy was just hurt. That’s it, he was bruised and scarred and needed some space. “You think I’m pretending right now? You think that I do everything I do for you because I’m lying to you?” Carter knew it wasn’t about him— he knew that he was involved, and that was completely shredding his heart into millions of pieces. His boyfriend was upset over someone that Carter couldn’t stand because of the things that had been said. “You’re my number one priority right now, Preston, do you not understand that? I— you,” He shook his head, not wanting to say anything to irrational right now. Preston was upset, and that was that. Nothing else was going to be said. “At least let me take you upstairs to bed or something.” His voice was softer now, a little less frustrated with the fact that the boy wouldn’t at least trust his word. “I just want to make sure you’re up there and, like, safe. Warm. God, I don’t know. I won’t touch you.”

There were so many things that Preston wanted to say but he had no idea how to even begin speaking again. He wanted to run away from this situation entirely, but at the same time Preston wanted to tell Carter how scared of him he was, how he was terrified that Carter would do the same to him as Grant once had. "Those words," he breathed out, not looking at Carter as he shuddered. He was surprised that he hadn't completely broken at this point, especially since the feeling of being trapped was coupled with the terror that Carter would hurt him like he had the last time before they were together. It wouldn't be surprising, especially considering how their relationship had started in the first place. "H-he was nice at first too and then...." Preston shuddered, trying to keep from saying too much about what Grant had done to him. They never really talked about it and Preston hadn't even discussed this with the therapist that he'd been required to see after the lawsuit and the court orders. This wasn't a conversation he ever wanted to have, especially now when he was starting to doubt if Carter was even as honest as Preston had hoped he was. "He was nice but it was fake and I don't know how to — if I believe that you're being honest with me and it's not all just you trying to..." Preston shook his head as he pushed himself up onto his feet, body shaking as he looked at Carter for just a second before glancing away. "I n-need to not be here — with you. I need my phone and just..." Preston didn't know what he needed anymore, but he felt the tears forming in his eyes and he wasn't going to cry, not now. Right now he just needed to get away from Carter before things got worse.

Panic. It was all panic. Preston was out of his mind— so upset over something that he didn’t even have a clue to what it was. As Carter had taken the phone from him, he felt the boy’s pain for the phone to be back in his grip. He didn’t want the boy to read the messages and was scared that he would find out something horrible. Carter wasn’t going to break him, and that wasn’t what this was about. He just needed him to be away from the phone long enough to calm down and register that he was safe and in the best hands possible. “Preston, it’s okay,” He mumbled out, trying to grab the boy’s wrists and keep a firm grip on them. “I don’t know your password, I’m not going to read them. You don’t need that, shh,” He was trying his best, but his boyfriend just wouldn’t let up with the pleads, and Carter knew that he would have to figure something else out. “I’m not letting you have it back until you tell me what’s going on, because it’s not fine. You’re shaking, babe.” Carter’s voice was sympathetic, and hopefully warm like a blanket. His eyes were creased from worry, and he needed to figure out what was going on. Preston was never one to tell his true feelings, but Carter knew that he had a breaking point even if it was very, very far down the road. “Look, whatever’s going on won’t make me love you less.” He wanted Preston to look at him, focus on what was in front of him, rather than what he had read prior. “Look at me.” His hand want to hold the boy’s knee, turning them closer as he went to push some hair front he boy’s forehead. “Please. You know I’m not going to hurt you.”

The second that Carter's hands clamped around his wrists, Preston's panic increased tenfold. He needed to be out of the hold, away from Carter's touch completely, and at that point he started twisting his wrists desperate to get away. "Let go," he breathed out, struggling against the hold. "Carter let go." His voice was strained already, filled with the panic that was slowly taking hold of his entire body, and Preston didn't know how he hadn't managed to run from this situation yet. It was because of that damn phone. The boy had no idea what Carter would be able to read from the lock screen alone, and that thought terrified him, as Grant could be sending messages that just confirmed all of Preston's fears and Carter could just laugh along with them. Preston's fear only rose as Carter continued to speak, and were there any rational thoughts left in his mind, he would've been able to realise that Carter was only saying these things in a sincere tone rather than what his brain was trying to imply. The second Carter mentioned love, Preston tensed, and he tugged his wrists out of Carter's grip, wrapping his arms around himself. "Don't lie to me," he breathed out, voice tight and anxious. Were he not shaking so badly, Preston would've climbed off of the couch and bolted to his room, locking the door behind him. As it was, he could barely convince himself to back into the corner of the couch away from Carter. "You've — you already hurt me before, and you're doing it now too. You're going to hurt me again and be just like him and I'm..." Preston sucked in a sharp breath of air. "I can't... I can't go through that again just please stop. Stop pretending."

Carter couldn’t listen to half of the stuff that Preston was saying anymore, because he knew it was all lies. He wasn’t fine at all. There was nothing fine about him. He was obviously in pain, a mental struggle that was just growing every time he looked at his phone. “It’s somebody, Preston.” He argued, remembering to keep at least the smallest bit sympathetic, because he wasn’t about to push Preston away. Carter was going to keep Preston as close as he could, because they had done so much work to keep them close. Now everything seemed to be falling apart at the seams. The phone started to buzz again, and Carter couldn’t help but want to just grab it from his clutch. He was being pushed away further and further, and from the body language, they couldn’t be further away right now. They were almost on either side of the couch, and that was just uncomfortable. “I don’t want to hurt you right now,” He leaned across the couch, grabbing the phone and locking it. The boy’s grip was on it as well, but he just wanted to take it and throw it and keep it away from him. “I’m not going to read them,” He told him confidently, looking into his eyes, wanting to know that they were trustworthy and he knew that this boy needed some sort of stability. Carter just wanted to know what was going on, but he wasn’t going to snoop. They needed to grow in their own relationship and to trust each other. He would wait for Preston to tell him what was going on, and that would just have to be the end of it. Carter set the phone on the coffee table, looking at his boyfriend with the most sympathetic look, wanting so much to kiss him and love on him and tell him he was safe. “Whatever is going on, doesn’t make you an awful person. You’re beautiful, and you’re amazing, and I couldn’t,” Carter caught himself from using the word he swore he wouldn’t use yet. The big one. “Look, I care about you so much, and I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m your boyfriend and I want to help you. Please let me help you.” 

The more that Preston wanted to say that the situation didn't matter, the more he knew that Carter was going to know just how much the situation actually was effecting him. Carter didn't know who was texting him, and Preston wanted to keep it that way, but with the boy rejecting Preston's insistent remarks that things were fine, it was obvious that Carter didn't believe him. He wanted to make things go back to how they were before, with Carter focusing his attention on the television instead of Preston's unusual behaviour. Really, Preston wanted to go back to when he got the first text and make it so that he'd deleted it instead of answered Grant, because if he hadn't acknowledged his ex, he might not start having second guesses about his current boyfriend. His trust issues were getting stronger with ever with every passing minute, and Preston was almost certain that he didn't want Carter to know what Grant had been texting him or anything about his psychopathic ex. When Carter mentioned that he didn't want to hurt him, Preston didn't understand at first, but when the boy reached for his phone, panic began to rise within the boy. "No, Carter - Carter don't," he breathed out quickly, his grip tightening on the phone. Even though Carter was promising him that he wouldn't read his texts, that didn't manage to still the panic within Preston. If anything, the anxiety rose at the mere idea of Carter even holding his phone and seeing any of the disgusting things that Grant was saying about him. "Just give it back. Please give it back." His entire body was shaking and despite knowing that Carter was doing this to try and help him, Preston was still downright terrified that Carter would read the texts and know what was going on. Worse, that Carter would read the texts and tell him that the things that Grant was saying were true. He knew that the things that Carter was currently saying to him were supposed to be supportive and helpful, but honestly, Preston wasn't even sure what the boy was saying. His mind wasn't registering that Carter was speaking to him because his only focus was on getting the phone back. He reached forward, trying to grab the device off of the coffee table so that he could keep it away from Carter, so that the boy wouldn't read his texts. "Please," he begged. "It's fine, I'm fine, just please."

Honestly, Carter was very taken back by the motions and body language that were coming from Preston. Why was he being so distant? This hadn’t happened in months, and that was obviously before they were dating. He could tell he was trying to stay calm, but he didn’t really know how to do it. Carter just stared at him for a few minutes, and wondered who was causing him that much pain and stress. “Babe, what’s going on?” Carter’s voice was soft, his hand moving towards the remote on the other side of him so he could pause the movie. The way that Preston was so easily frightened and spooked was making him so much more curious as to who he had been talking to. “You aren’t fine. Who are you talking to?” Carter didn’t want to press anything or make Preston uncomfortable. Everything just seemed so restrained, and Carter couldn’t understand what had changed in the past hour. They were just cuddling and joking around, and then Preston got on his phone and everything went to shit, really. Carter wondered if someone had posted photos— if someone was being a jerk and saying things about him, and he wanted to know if he could help. But when his leg was moved again, Carter’s eyebrows just furrowed even further. “Okay, what the hell?” His voice wasn’t angry at all, it was a little more hurt than anything. He was worried that he had done something wrong, and he wanted to know what was going on. “Are you going to let me see your phone? I’m worried, Pres. What’s going on right now? Did I do something?” 

"I said I'm fine, okay?" Preston breathed out as he looked up at Carter, unable to look at him for more than a second before he looked away. He knew that his boyfriend was definitely worried about him, but Preston couldn't seem to find it in himself to try and express that things were alright, even though they weren't. He felt like he needed to bury himself beneath blankets and fade away for a week before he faced anyone again, let alone Carter. "It's...it's nobody," he said slowly before he closed his eyes, sucking in a breath of air. "It doesn't matter, everything's fine." He didn't believe the words any more than he knew that Carter did, and Preston knew that it mean that his boyfriend wouldn't stop asking about what was going on. Preston was shutting down on Carter and that much was obvious. It was surprising, actually, that it had taken Carter this long to realise it, but Preston was glad that it had. He locked his phone, ignoring that it was buzzing in his hand to signal that a new text had arrived. Preston wasn't going to answer it, not this time. Carter had caught on and Preston already felt like every part of him was trying to shut down on the boy, so if he answered the texts now, Carter would certainly know that something even worse than Preston was refusing to admit was going on. "It's nothing, okay?" Preston said quickly as he shifted to try and curl up in a tighter ball. "Everything's fine, Carter," he emphasised, but the second that the phone buzzed again, Preston's eyes were glued to the device, reading the bit of text from Grant. The boy's words made Preston sick and he wanted to shut the device off and ignore everything, but he couldn't convince himself to do that.

Saturday nights usually consisted of him hanging out at Preston’s all day after lacrosse games and watching movies, getting take-out, and possibly a little sexual interaction after that, if he was lucky. Today seemed to be going pretty well, and each of them were full after their full meals of Japanese take-out had been cleaned out. The movie they were watching hadn’t been quite captivating, and Carter could obviously tell by the amount of attention that Preston was keeping on his phone. It wasn’t very often that Preston was attached to his phone, but when he was, it was usually something very important. Carter decided to distract him some more with his own hand that reached out to grab his leg, but when he was denied the touch, Carter honestly felt a little rejected. His head turned towards the boy who was moved into the side of the couch, and watched him closely as the phone kept lighting up and the boy’s fingers kept trembling. He wondered who was doing this to him,  but he wasn’t going to ask about it. Not yet. Preston would back away and panic and start to lie to him, and he knew because that kind of shit happened all the time when he got upset. He closed up, he became so cold, and he knew that it was so he couldn’t get hurt. “Who are you talking to?” Carter asked quietly, moving so his foot would rub against Preston’s in a calming way that he hoped wouldn’t scare him off. “Why are you closing up, babe? Is someone hurting you?” He tried to reach for the boy’s thigh again, hoping this time it would be accepted. 

Preston should've known that the second he pulled away from Carter, the boy was going to react to it, but honestly, he wasn't even remotely focused on his boyfriend at the moment. His eyes were glued to the screen, trying to focus on the device because if Preston looked away he wasn't guaranteed to not cry. Carter's initial touch had merely had Preston shifting away, but when he felt the boy's foot press against his, Preston jolted, letting out a strained breath of air before he forced himself to calm down. He pulled his feet up onto the couch, shifting to try and keep himself away from Carter's touch completely as he rushed a quick glance towards Carter's direction, gaze not staying out of genuine worry that he'd start breaking down over something so stupid as his ex trying to ruin his life once again. "It's —it's no one," he said quickly, as if that could ignore the fact that he kept getting messages that varied from vaguely threatening to borderline abuse with each new mention of a new message. "It's fine. I'm fine." It was obvious that Preston was lying. He didn't even believe the words were coming out of his mouth, how did he expect Carter to believe them? It was obvious that he was currently a mess, and Preston was trying to keep it so that he didn't seem like he was, but there was only so much that the boy could do to hide it. He closed his eyes, inhaling a breath as he tried to not back away from Carter touching him. It was difficult to not immediately back away from the boy's touch, but Preston was trying so hard to not listen to Grant's words and second-guess all of the good things that had happened to him since Carter had become a permanent staple of his life. He managed to last a few seconds before he moved his leg, the action jittery as he backed out of Carter's touch again.