PRECIOUS MEMENTOS (Voices of my heart )

I tried ro be strong..

I pray to be strong..

You look at me and you see a smile

But look deep in my eyes

Then you'll see pain,

Exhaustion,

Frustration,

Anxiety,

Fear,

Sadness.

A girl, who wish to sleep it all.

A girl, praying to God just to survive the day.

Been struggling...

Attended our sunday service.

Took down some notes.

And this was the message during the service.

I think i have lived a full cycle.

Spoiled and pampered by mama and papa.

Grew up well provided for.

Had so much fun in college.

Nagbulakbol, night out, inom, laag diri-laag didto.

Met and lost friends. But those who remained, are my treasure.

Followed and enjoy my passion - baking.

And most especially, when God gave me the Love of my Life - MY HUSBAND.

Who shows me genuine and unconditional love and care. A love like God.

Who makes me feel the prettiest (even if im not)

Who completely understands me, no matter the circumstances. (especially during the ordeal of my illness).

He is and will always be my greatest blessing.

My greatest gift from God.

If there is one thing i wished i experienced in this life...

How i wish i have experiences being loved and cared for by them.

Same kanang makita bitaw nato sa uban family na palanga kau nila ilang manghud na girl.

I miss you, Mama.

You would have known what to do.

You would have pushed me to grt the surgery before flying off.

You would havd fought fought for me to be better.

You would have been worried about me.

I could have someone whom i know would worry about me.

I could have talked to someone who have bedn through this and survived.

I don't know what to do, mama.

My symptoms are getting worst and out of hand.

What if discover mg illness is at a later stage, where it is no longer curable?

What if i'll never see him again?

I am afraid.... I am so much afraid.

But im more afraid of not seeing my husband ever again.

Of not being able to realize our dreams.

Of not being able to see my future with him.

After that emotional bleeding period. I was able to relax this past 3 days. There is still bleeding but a little lighter and tolerable.

Specifically today, i was able to clean the comfort room and sweep the leaves at our backyard. I have been planning to do this for awhile now but was just so hard for me to do it.

Simple stuff but i was able to do it. A huge achievement for me today.

Anxiety creep in while i was scrubbing some dirt in the toilet because i feel a little blood clot comes out while exerting some effort. But it was ok. I was ok and i was able to finish that task.

I feel a little less sad today.

I didn't cry today. (well, only a little while praying)

I was able to sleep soundly when the hubby left for work.

I was able to smile while talking with the sister in law. And was genuinely happy as she show me and sashay her gown for the Christmas Party. (I'm anxious of the Christmas party. I'll talk about it in another blog).

Lately, things has not been ok.

My bleeding has become heavier and my clotting has become more frequent and massive. I really don't get break from my period anymore. For the last 4 months, my bleeding has not stopped.

I've been crying most of the time.

I've been so tired and exhausted because of this.

I keep on asking my husband, "will i ever be ok?" "will i ever have a normal life again?".

On heavier days i can't help but tell my husband, "I'm so tired and i don't think i can go on any further".

I don't want to wake up anymore. I find comfort in sleeping. Because that is the only time i forget I'm bleeding and be transported into another world. A world without worries, pain and sickness.

It's when i wake up that reality hit me. My heart became so heavy and I don't want to get out of bed. But i have to. I have to rush to the toilet to expel the blood and clots.

I feel that hope and happiness has left my soul. 24/7 i feel this heaviness in my heart. A heaviness that seems to have no cure. A heaviness that i really want to expel but it has becoming a part of me. It's worst during my heavy days.

I feel such a burden to everybody. Especially towards my husband.

My husband is such a happy, genuine, loving and God fearing.

A person that is so full of life and energy.

He is like a ray of sunshine bringing a glimpse of light in my dull and dark world.

He brings color into my life.

This makes me think, that he doesn't deserve me. He doesn't deserve to live a life with me. Worrying about a sick person like me. He deserve all the best in life. He deserve to be happy. He deserve to travel and enjoy his life. He deserve to enjoy life together with a healthy person.

I feel as if it is unfair for him to be with a person like me.

Sometimes, i wish that he has not meet me. That he has meet someone else. Someone healthy. Someone as jolly and healthy like him.

but i also know that if i hadn't meet him. I don't know what my life would have been. I think i have died long ago. Without feeling what genuine and unconditional love is.

My husband has save me many times. And he truly is a blessing in my life. My answered prayer and my God's gift.

I just can't get this guilt feeling. I'm guilty that he is with someone like me. He doesn't deserve this.

If someday, by God's grace that I can recover and make it out alive.

I promise to live my life making him happy and fulfilling his every desire and dreams.

But if not....

I pray that he will find someone who can give all those things to him...

#endometrialintraepithelialneoplasia

#endometrialhyperplasia

1st GP appointment

August 31, 2023

Words could not express how relieved i was when i finally had a GP appointment. I've been waiting for more than a month for this. To finally be able to have myself check and hopefully continue my medication.

I was kinda afraid to arrived on our GP late. Since we were not able to catch the early bus. I was overthinking that we no longer be entertained. But when we got there, the receptionist told us to wait. Because we will just be called.

Then a woman in her late 60's (i think) walk out the door and got something from the receptionist. I knew it was my Doctor. Exactly the same as Darlene described. Then before she got back to her office, she called "FAYE". And I knew it was me. So followed her into her office and sat down to the empty seat next to her table.

She was such a lovely and kinds lady. She asked about my symptoms, history and why i was there.

After telling her in details about my previous diagnosis. Also that I' am worried because I am still spotting and occasionally bleeding and hoping to continue my treatment here. She then told me some very heartbreaking news;

"YOU COME TO THE WORST COUNTRY FOR A GYNECOLOGIST. OUR SYSTEM IS VERY BAD. IT WOULD TAKE YOU UPTO 4 YEARS BEFORE YOU CAN SEE A GYNECOLOGIST."

Then she did some pelvic test, pap smear and blood test. I was shocked that she filled up 2 large syringe with my blood. But she was gentle in handling it. I was afraid but I' am also relieved that i could have some test done.

I called the clinic after a week and asked about my lab result. The receptionist answered and told me blood test was back and it was all normal. No further detailed explanation. My pap smear will take about 6weeks for the result, so as the Scan schedule.

The waiting time here is really long. It's making me anxious.

But still praying that i could have my treatment here.

#endometrialhyperplasia

#complexendometrialhyperplasia

#chronicillness #iamsick

MOVING TO A NEW COUNTRY

Moving to a new country have it's perks and downside.

I' am finally reunited with my husband. After being away from each other for a year. Settled in our new home. and finally be able to stand on our own.

but...

Healthwise?

It's been a struggle. Physical and emotional struggle.

I was recently diagnosed with endometrial intraepithelial neoplasia(EIN). A precancerous abnormal cells in my uterus. That in time. if left untreated will develop into uterine cancer or cancer of the womb.

Since February 2024, i was getting oral treatment to help me manage and stop my heavy periods.

One of the reasons why i moved to another country. Is to try and conceive with my husband.

BUT the health system here is so hard.

Unlike the Philippines, were I can just walk-in to my Doctors office anytime i want. Here, it's very hard to even be in contact with a General Practitioner (GP). What more with a specialist.

Yes, the services and prescriptions are free. BUT The waiting time is very exhausting and depressing.

Lately, my bleeding is back. It's heavy and with lot of clots almost every minute.

It is taking a toll with my mental health.

I'm having panic attacks and my anxiety level is high.

I'm even more depress most of the time. Crying most of the day.#

I don't even know if I can survive this.

I hope I could.

I don't remember when i last posted. Guess it was almost a decade. I thought i lost this account. Just retrieved it.

so here's some update;

2016 - meet someone and months after we started dating.

2017 - My mom was diagnosed with Stage 2b breast cancer. So I have to take care of her.

2020 - February 12, 2020 Saddest thing happened. My Mom died :'(

March 2020 - Covid shook the world. Made the world silent, the people in fear and the air fresh again.

November 2020 - Got engaged with the sweetest, genuine and kindest person i have ever met.

2023 - May 12, 2023 got married. It was a simple and intimate civil wedding. We held at the Papa's beach.

July 2023 - The hubby and his sister flew to Belfast, Uk.

February 2024 - Diagnosed with EIN. After seeking 2nd opinion who did my biopsy on the 1st visit. This crushed my world and my mental health.

June 2024 - Got a clear biopsy.

July 14 - 15, 2024 - Flew to London and meet my the hubby after a year of not seeing each other. Then to Belfast.

Currently, I am happy to be with my husband. Not yet fully settled yet. Coming from a tropical country, still adjusting to the weather. Still an emotional wreck after my diagnosis. Praying hard to finally get a proper treatment to this illness.

Life is bitter but full of bliss.

Just taking things one day at a time.

Earlier, I decided to take my nephew and niece (my cousins kids) to the mall.

Our first stop was at a membership shopping mall to eat some huge pizza and drink some bottomless drinks. I really wanna take them there since they haven’t been to that mall.

I was tight on budget but I just really want to take them out.. and i promised i’ll take them out.. I also want to thank them for helping me out with my dessert buffet from the day before...

After eating, we went strolling around took some pictures with the imported chocolates... chocolates we can’t afford...

Looking at all those expensive food items, I kinda felt depressed... how I wish i had enough spare money to buy those for them... or buy the things that I would really want to buy..  i kinda was in state of self-pity... 

so i decided to take them to a bigger mall (in my city) to stroll around and maybe buys some Christmas gifts.. 

Gosh! I still have to buy some Christmas gifts for my 2 sister-in-laws, Mother, Friends (for our Christmas Exchanging gifts)... And i really don’t have enough money to spare on some things...

We rode a taxi going and the traffic was so bad... meaning, the meter keeps going higher... I was restless, but i had no choice...

When we got to the mall, i gave my nephew and niece their fare share of salary for their help... We strolled around and i saw a lot of things i really wanna buy... not for my but for my family, but i really could not afford it...

How i wish i could afford it,,, maybe for some, it was cheap... but for me it was too much :’(

I looked at each one of those beautiful items... 

i said to myself, “these will look good on my dad”.. “My mom would definitely love this coz she really want one” or “my sister-in-law would look perfectly on these”..

I really wanna buy them but i can’t :’( I touched each items and my heart was bleeding inside... i really felt like crying... but i know should not coz i was in a public place..

i look at some of the people with cart full of items... there was even a woman who took her mother and sisters shopping and asked them to pick up what they want...

I wish i could do that to my family.. especially my parents... but i cant’t :(

these really give my so much pain... even typing these things breaks my heart and makes me cry....

I wish... I wish... I wish I had a stable income to be able to give the people dear to me the things I want to give them.... 

When I was in Senior High School, Our Class moderator asked us to visualize and write what we will be 10 years from now...

As I try to reminisce that moment. I see myself as an already accomplished woman... stable job... already have a car... a house... getting married... provide for my parents... maybe send them to a cruise or tour around the world... 

I was 16 then, 10 years later - I was still in college. Shifting to my third course, hoping against all odds to be able to graduate!

And here I’am now, 17 years later... Graduated from college almost 5 years ago, worked for awhile, stopped and pursued another (what-I-call) Passion! 

17 years ago, I never imagined I would be in this situation... All those dreams... and not one happened!!!

My life is a mess!!! I don’t seem to have any direction...

17 years after, and I’m still damned dependent on my parents... They are getting old... separated 15 years ago, not legally, coz divorce is not yet legal in the Philippines! (crossing my finger they’ll get back together)... 

But the point is, I have not yet given the life I dreamed for them...

It frustrates me to think about this... that everyday I feel so inadequate....

Yes, I earn money. Coz I’m a homebaker... but the profit I make from baking pastries and cake is not enough to give back to my parents... I can’t even pay the electric bills... I only pay the water bill since its more cheaper.. I feel so useless!!

I tried so hard to make money. There are days I don’t have enough sleep, or i don’t even sleep at all... But it is still not enough... 

I really wanna give back to my parents... I envy those people who are my age or worst much younger than me who were able to provide for the needs of their parents... 

My mom, is fighting Breast Cancer since 2017. Working at home has its advantage... I could take care of her, watch over her but I could never afford to provide for her medications... It’s far too expensive, not even half of what I profit in a month... Good thing my brother is there...

But i still feel so useless... that not a day past by, that I would question my worth in this world. or am i becoming a burden to them... I know i’am...

Ugh!!! my parents are getting old and I know I don’t have much time left for them.. 

i already knew i was the 2nd option, and i will always be his 2nd option.

but i risk it anyway..

with just a flicker of emotions, i gave in…. i gave my all…