HEALING
i wanted to give a timeline of azula’s healing process. it obviously will take longer than what i list her, because healing is not linear, but these years are the CORE part of what i believe she goes through. it’s long, but i would really appreciate if you read through it !
three months after agni kai : azula is brought into a treatment facility, where she undergoes forced sedation immediately and a chi block to control her bending. so she doesn’t hurt herself or others. the healers complain to zuko about the screaming at night. but what is scarier are the days she goes silent, sometimes she stares at the wall not moving for hours. her mind is playing tricks on her still, she sees her father. she sees her mother. she sees herself, taunting her, telling her she couldn’t have actually lost to the waterbender and her brother. she used to be a powerful bender.
four to six months after : azula is steadier. she seems back to her normal self. she’s snarky and sarcastic to those trying to help her. she’s resentful of her brother, of katara ( perhaps of herself ) for taking her place. to her, she still meant to be firelord. after all, she is the one who trained her entire life. she’s the one who put in the dedication. zuko got to leave and be hugged and taken care of. she was a weapon, waiting for instructions to attack but also too intelligent to wait on others. independent, but so so lonely. she tries not to think about it, burying it deep. zuko begins to visit here. she threatens him, taunts him, says he ruined her life. she’s going to therapy now. they deemed her stable enough for human interaction. fire is burning through her, lightning coursing through her. her body overheats often during this time. she feels like she’s deteriorating. the power she used to wield from her self hatred is moving out.
seven to nine months after : she is hurting. they tell her what she went through is emotional abuse under the care of a narcissistic parent but she refuses to believe them... at first. she sobs, without realizing it. there are arms that wrap around her, and for once in her life she lets them. they tell her she needs to heal, that it’s not her fault. that she is still a child, and should be given the time to be one. all she can think about is what if she had grown up normal ? she sobs and arms wrap around her. what a foreign feeling.
ten months to a year later : she’s learning to accept what happened to her. she’s still angry, she still throws fits. yells at her brother and uncle. but some nights they sit in silence before she asks questions. they answer them of course. but there are always more questions. sometimes she still has nightmares. she wakes up, breathing heavy. but there’s a hand there to grab hers, a voice there to ask her if she’s okay. for this time, she’s okay. the nightmares are different now though. no longer is it her father as an external source criticizing her, instead she sees him in her reflection. she has his eyes.
a year and two months : they deem her ready to leave. she has gone a year without her fire. instead, it seemed to have burn her down. but she accepted the change. the old version of her was not someone she wanted to exist, and if her fire was ready to burn that version out, she was okay. zuko brings her home, back to the palace. at first things are good.
a year and three months : the nightmares only get worse. in the same place as her worst time, she walks the halls at night like a lost spirit. she sees the walls that used to be adorned with portraits of him. she sees the mirrors and the vanities that seem to be everywhere. the red and gold seem much too bright. she doesn’t sleep, the bags under her eyes get worse.
a year and five months : she is often seen outside in the garden. she forgets why she loves this garden. but she sits by the pond ( the turtle ducks seem to avoid her ) and watches every night as the sun goes down.
a year and eight months : she begins to talk more. they are siblings for perhaps the first time in their lives. she’s joking and laughing now. they joke about what happened. though the memory is tender, it feels good to laugh. she laughs more than she ever has in one day of this era. but he’s the firelord now, he has duties.
a year and ten months : his friends begin to come over more, more saving the world to do. but they are cautious around her. she smiles at them, tries to make conversation. but she doesn’t blame them when they ignore her or only awkwardly nod to acknowledge her. she begins to do more research, understand the totality of what her family has done. this is the moment she realizes she never knew what was going on completely. to her, it was always a game, a prize to be won. she had no understanding that there were lives involved. children who lost their mothers.
two years : she knocks on her brother’s door. she is shy, awkward. an unusual sight. she just wants to help. to help fix what went wrong. he lets her.
two years and three months : she began deploying supplies and staff. she was sent to earth kingdom villages. some people know her and cower, but they look confused when she’s the one handing them supplies, food. some spit at her. she doesn’t blame them still. she notices the children, unattended, they weren’t just playing, they were fighting to survive. the war may have ended, but not for them. she has ideas, but unlike the past, she decides to think about them a little more.
two years and six months : she suggests to zuko that they open up orphanages, but not for children to be adopted. just as shelters, places to house orphans. perhaps communicate to families that there are children there, to connect families. she begins working on it, she puts everything into this. the dark circles begin again.
three years : things felt steady again for a bit. she had been working hard on starting orphanages throughout the earth kingdom. she needed to prove that she was better, to prove that she was different. she had to be the best once again. she begins practicing her bending again. the blue flame still is not back yet.
three years and three months : she sees him again. perhaps it’s the sleep deprivation. but now she also hears him. she knows he’s in the prisons. at nights, she feels the same feeling she had when she first saw her blue flame, a reminder that she had to excel to feel love. she becomes unreachable again. all she can hear is his voice telling her what her destiny is, reminding her that the fight is not over completely. he is still alive.
three years and eight months : the voices are different this time. it is no longer his, instead it is a woman’s voice. a voice that sounds oddly familiar. a maternal voice. it haunts her. reminds her that she was unloved, feared. azula approaches zuko one day. she only says three words : “ let’s find her. ”
four years : they go to find their mother together along with the help of some friends. not hers of course. they were still his friends. they’re standoffish, still not completely trusting her. she struggles with it, wondering if she even deserves it, but also angry that they haven’t forgiven her. she talks to them on this journey, gets to know them. their losses, their strengths and weaknesses. not once does she think to use it against them. and sometimes, she lets herself take the risk of them using hers against her.
four years and three months : they find her. azula gets worse. she screams and is violent. fires were meant to destroy. but a hand is pressed onto her cheek, an apology is made. a brother chases after her, and when she crumbles he is there to catch her. the image of a broken child. perhaps fires are meant to destroy, so that something new can be created.
four years and seven months : she had began to heal, reconcile the losses of her earlier years. trying to build something new. the nightmares continue, the voices continue. she is tempted sometimes to visit him. her blue fire phases in and out, though she doesn’t really remember why it mattered so much. when she says hello, they say it back. some even have inside jokes and nicknames. nothing is truly completely perfect, but perhaps, almost is good enough.
