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@ppastelpoetry
we fast forward.
you are a love i have been waiting to find,
a longing lost,
a feeling hidden.
i am grateful,
i am terrified,
but more importantly
i am lost in the allure.
i am lost in the haze.
i am entirely enamoured in the concept that you
of all people
reminded me what it feels like to love
a best friend.
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maybe i needed to lose you
to love myself
but how can i love myself?
i gave everything for you,
every drop of blood,
sweat,
tears.
and it was never enough,
you played victim,
you hurt me,
you hurt me,
you hurt me,
and i am reaping the rewards.
i am existing in the sphere
you made of my life,
the bubble you placed me in.
how can i do this?
how can i forgive you?
do i even need to?
for the first time since ink touched paper,
since fingers pushed keys,
i thought i was safe.
i thought forever had fallen into my lap,
and i was blessed.
every sacrifice, loss of love,
every agonising bridge
engulfed in flames,
lead me here to you.
only for this.
only.
for.
this.
and i hate you.
i hate you,
i hate you,
i hate you.
but i cannot hate you.
i can only hate myself.
and i will spend my life,
hating you for that.
it’s been so long. i wonder if you’re all still here.
we will struggle,
and at times we will fall,
but truly, my love, overall
i believe it all begins and ends with you.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
history will not be kind to those whose kisses left bruises on my skin
catharsis appears,
like a spear to the neck of your beer bottle,Â
shattering the only comfort you’ve ever had.
it slices your fingers.
you never did like goodbyes, did you?
i can only write when it feels as though
my soul is being ripped from my body
my heart, a shattered liquid,
dripping from my veins,
from my scars.
i cant make the hurting stop
but i can make it into something worth reading about.
i suppose we have a special kind of friendship; the kind where nothings are whispered under darkened skies and in the privacy of our own homes, the kind where late nights are spent yearning for the warmth of one another, for each other’s arms. the kind where our futures are intertwining, albeit little specs in time; but that must mean we won’t let go, right? the kind of friendship where we act as though we are more, that we could make the stars dance for us if we so tried.
it seems i am the only one trying to play the music for their dance; after all, we’re just friends, right?
did i love you?
im not sure,
i hope that this pain
is not the remnants of a love lost.
my love,
please let me heal.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
do you think we’d work this time around?
we wear our armour strong.Â
we scarred each other.
we left our marks and we left.Â
do you think we could heal the breaks we created?
do you think the years have aged our tender flesh kindly?
do you think we could still be on fire if we tried?
you loved me.
i see that now. you loved me, you loved me, you loved me, you loved me. the seasons have changed near thrice and only now am i awake. only now can i feel it when i look back. this rose tinted view must be strong because i can feel the fights, i can feel the heartache tearing its way through flesh and bone, i can taste the salt in my tears once more but oh my god, for the first time since then, for the first time ever, i know it now: you loved me. you really fucking loved me.
i hope you don’t go to the christmas markets with her. i hope you think of me when you see the lights. i hope you’re happy now but most of all i hope you’re missing me.
i can't help but wonder how you've been. and i don't know if it comes from a place of concern or purely out of spite because i want you to be hurting as much as you've made me hurt. i keep thinking about stupid things, too. if i see my rings i wore that first night i wonder if you remember the coffee shops and the manchester rain. i wonder if you remember the christmas lights and the way we practically danced inside that cinema because it was just us two. i wonder if when you hear those jokes you think of me or if when you see certain tweets you remember the way i'd read them to you when you were trying to sleep to make you laugh. i wonder if you think about the way i kept you awake that day and the way i lay with you until you fell back asleep. i wonder if you wake up next to her and realise it's not me and it never will be and i wonder if that hurts. i wonder if you remember the taxi rides, the hand holding, the kissing in the backs of cars. you always told me you'd be here no matter what and it's so strange that overnight i left and we haven't spoke since. i wonder if in two years time you and her will break up again and you'll wish you'd stayed with me. i just want to know why you did what you did. how can you look someone in the eyes and swear you love them, how can you wipe their tears and stay awake with them all night because their heart was hurting before swearing they were just an attempt at getting over someone else? how could you beg me to stay and forgive you then let me leave at two in the morning, alone and scared? i don't want you anymore, i swear. i just want to understand. im tired of feeling clueless. im tired of being scared that someone else will hurt me like this. and im tired of hoping that she hurts you like this. i dont want to drown in this pain anymore. i want to swim through it. i just want to be happy.Â
and I'm sorry that this wasn't enough. My palms are bleeding, I know, but they are all I have to cradle me into the night. My cold blood will keep me warm from now on.
im better off alone.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
nothing makes the pain stop. the banging, the ringing, the constricted breaths, the acid in my lungs, the creak in my joints, the hollow knocking of my knees. his hands may muffle it but his lips cannot carry it. i fear no amount of affection can take away this pain. i fear it will be with me forever.
i wish it had worked, you know. i wish we had danced like we always swore we would.