Entry Level Wickedness

I left the church. I don’t remember exactly how much I ever really had to say about that on hear but my bishop literally told me that I had to go to conversion therapy to keep my membership. And break up with my then boyfriend, now fiancé, Tim (known to many of you by his old name Trevor). I fought really really hard to stay, and sometimes I still have nightmares about what if I didn’t fight hard enough. What if I should have taken it up to the stake presidency, but after one disciplinary council I was DONE dealing with the burocratic side of the church.

Despite all that though, we had to literally threaten my bishop with legal action to get him to leave me the heck alone. And when I finally sent my resignation letter to the church, it took the fastest of any one else’ letter I’ve ever heard taking, it took exactly two weeks.

I go to therapy now because I’m super duper traumatized from my experiences in the church. It’s going well. I’m on anti anxiety, anti depression and insomnia meds which is all helping with the journey as well. It’ll be a long one that’s for fucking sure.

I consider myself Pagan now, and I practice witchcraft. It’s something I’ve circled back to all my life, even right before I joined the church I almost took this path but fate is as fate does and I joined the church instead! I love where I am right now with faith, it’s helped me gain confidence in myself in ways I didn’t even really know were possible.

If there is one last thing I wanna leave in this update is that when it’s time to leave, it’s time. You shouldn’t stay longer because people “look up to you”, you shouldn’t let parents or friends or family guilt you into staying. I know these things are so so so much easier said than done which is why I mean absolutely No disrespect to where anyone is on their journey. But there is only one of you, and you are so precious. Your mental and physical well-being is worth so much more than membership in the church. God is still there for you when you leave, and it’s not an easy ride right into your nearest Starbucks for a guilt free americano, but the sooner you get out and start taking care of yourself, things will get better. You don’t deserve to feel unsafe in your place of worship.

There’s a part of me that honestly just always feels like something went so wrong and just kinda feels like it’s sadly sobbing “I wanted to keep the commandments. I wanted to go to the temple with him. I just wanted to be a normal Mormon family. How is that wrong?”

I guess what was wrong was that we told our truth, we dared to be openly queer in a space where conformity is more than expected.

Did that apply when I was joining the church and you locked me out for hours in the winter?

Did that apply when you screamed at me countless times about how getting sealed what an awful thing to do and how you wouldn’t even show up?

Did that apply when I told you I was going to live the law of chastity and you annoyed me for years about “Try it before you buy it”?

Did it count when I came out again and you said I was too Mormon to actually be lgbt?

Did it count when you told me I was ruining my life by leaving when you weren’t even a member yourself?

Did it count when you were condescending towards me when I tried to come out as non-binary?