Postcards I Get

Don't look into the bright lights:

DUSK AT FANEUIL HALL MARKETPLACE

Boston, Massachusetts, U.S.A.

When evening falls the lights come on at New England's most visited marketplace where food, flowers, fashion and fun surround you: Historic Faneuil Hall, built in 1742, is in the foreground and the Custom House tower is in the background.

Food!  Flowers!  Fashion!  FUN!  Back in my day Faneuil Hall was a living historical monument, yes, but one more known for tourists and street performers than for being a locus of contemporary Boston culture.  Sorry, Dan, but it's not the globe warming but rather the locale's hip new crowd that makes the dusk sky glitter so.  He is right about the font change, though, which just doesn't make sense and would probably even go against the style principles of the new fashionable set at the city's hottest colonial nightspot.  Mysteries aside, thanks to this postcard I got, I'm taking the Liberty Trail directly to Faneuil Hall next I'm in Boston.

From: Dan

Sent: 21 October 2013

Key takeaways: Greetings from sparkling Boston, Massachusetts, home of painstakingly-preserved colonial landmarks and a glittering sky to watch over them.  As part of a club that includes every single person ever to have gone on an elementary school trip in New England, I have been to Faneuil Hall several times--I even got a diabolo there in sixth grade!--but I can't recall such a striking scene overhead.  Perhaps this postcard I got recognizes the sparkling accomplishments of the recently-crowned greatest baseball team in all the land and has adjusted accordingly?  Just a thought.

Time to get behind the royal veil:

Her Majesty The Queen, Prince Philip, Prince Charles and Princess Anne on the balcony at Buckingham Palace after the Coronation, 2 June 1953

Lowercase letters have gone out of style in celebration of the Queen's Jubilee year, it would seem, as the caption, Dad's message, and the rest of this card make liberal use of capitalization.  Grammatical pedantry aside, it's nice to see that Charles has grown up to have a house of his very own (I gather Highgrove is his place), even if the Permaprince is still in the same position of succession as he was on the front, a full sixty-plus years ago.  No matter, Charles, for as the wonderfully juxtaposed Amish-country stamp on this postcard I got shows, freedom loving peoples have no time for royalty, so your long wait for the top spot shouldn't really matter now, should it?

From: Dad

Sent: 3 December 2012

Key takeaways: Greetings from Merry Olde England, where the Queen herself has gathered her coterie to wish Godspeed to Postcards I Get for a safe and prosperous return to the United States.  After a two year residence across the sea, including the last year in Big Smoke just a hop-and-a-skip from Her Majesty, I'm back in the hothothot embrace of Washington, DC.  It certainly was nice of the whole family to get so nicely dressed up and come to wish me goodbye!  Although I'm very much enjoying my time on these freedom-soaked shores, this postcard I got proves that it was time well spent in the Old Country.

From the back, I can tell this postcard must work out:

Florida

3 Times as nice in Florida!

A statement as bold as the stares of our Florida hunks: Florida is indisputably three times less nice when you're not in Florida.  No argument here, so to those of you expecting to enjoy Florida while not actually there, good luck.  As Dan points out, though, maybe Florida's 3x self-multiplier isn't built to last--maybe it only lasted as long as acid wash jeans on the beach were in style.  There's no printing date here, but we can safely assume that these dreamboats sailed to sea long ago.  One thing we know for sure is that they didn't hang around long enough to print their big break, because as Dan's eloquent "?!" points out, this postcard I got was printed by Scenic Florida Distributors in Canada.  What??!!

From: Dan

Sent: 5 January 2012

Key takeaways: Greetings from Florida, where the beach bodies are out, because summer break has just begun!  You may have noticed that things have been a bit slow around here recently this year.  Well, to borrow a phrase from a writer well known in the country of PCIG’s current HQ, now is the winter of our discontent, made glorious summer by the end of my master’s exams.  Outside of the small matter of a thesis, summer is here, just like in Florida, where the hunks line up to impress the ladies with their washboard abs, useless belts, and enigmatic stares.  It’s been a long fallow period, but just as the red recovers from the blue fade in the hot faded font on this postcard I got, PCIG is back!

Let's empty this Bud as we move into the second 100 on PCIG:

BUDWEISER

Budweiser is brewed using only the finest barley malt, rice, hops, yeast, and water.  Budweiser was first marketed in cans in 1936.  Look for the Born On Date printed on each can and bottle, for guaranteed freshness.

I'm made thirsty yet am still a bit refreshed just reading this mouthwatering description of the care Budweiser puts into their fine product.  This here is the cool, crisp deliciousness of Saint Louis lager put into words.  Coming from 2007, i.e. prior to Anheuser-Busch Inbev, it's the distillation of only the finest in American tradition.  The company may have moved offshore, but this postcard I got stands as a reminder for all time that here we have the only King that the United States will ever love.

From: Mac

Sent: 23 March 2009

Key takeaways: Greetings from anytown, USA, where the King ironically reigns supreme in the greatest democracy on earth.  As with any occasion marking a PCIG milestone, our friends from St. Louis will be providing refreshments for our 100th POST CELEBRATION!  Now, I don't want to overstate PCIG's effect on the world - its ability to spread laughs from the United States to Kenya to Pakistan, likely improving conditions for world peace - but I do think it's appropriate to reflect just a little, so go ahead and check out the retrospective over at the Archives.  Many thanks to all who have sent postcards, creating a bizarre set of images here at PCIG and a possible even more bizarre stack of cards to come.  As for this postcard I got, it's been traveling around with me for a long time, and it's finally time to share this Bud with you, dear readers!

Hop on your Nimbus 2000 and seek the back:

Very smart of the Universal folks to go sans explanation back here, although it might have been nice of them to give details on joining Dumbledore's Army for self defense tips while on campus.  Still, despite a day of rubbing elbows with wizards, Erin survived to tell the tale, so it can't be all dark arts and deadly forests.  Whatsmore, they seem to have figured out a new method of posting letters!  Sure, that owl holding an envelope looks like a postmark, but...it's not.  I'll accept that the nifty Hogwarts stamp is at least semi-legal, but nowhere were any of these stamps officially canceled by the USPS.  How to explain this postcard I got, then, except accepting that it's magic?

From: Erin

Sent: April 2012

Key takeaways: Greetings from Orlando, where Universal Studios invites you to take part in the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.  Imagine, just like Harry, Hermione, and Ron, YOU too could be walking through the enchanted streets of Hogsmeade and sitting under the starry sky of Hogwarts dining hall!  It almost sounds too good to be true until you remember that life outside the muggle bubble consists mainly of dodging the most dangerously violent wizard of all time, hellbent on the destruction of the very castle you'll be paying good money to tour.  Not afraid of Voldem--- (sorry...almost slipped up there)?  Then why not try out for the quidditch squad, where you're odds on to end up in the medical wing.  Jamlando's nice and all, but give me Epcot Center any day of the week, because this postcard I get might as well be inviting us Fallujah circa 2004.

Get a bigger boat and motor to the stern:

Send more tourists to California, they're delicious!

Considering the creativity on display here, the good people at California Scene probably could have come with something stronger than a repeat of the frontside slogan here.  Without the shark to complete the image of who might be dining on some corn-fed tourists, the command is actually a bit disturbing.  Speaking of disturbing, I've been insecure about my smile for the better part of a year now (due to the relocation to the PCIG Global HQ Paris on exactly the date of sending, I didn't see this until Christmas last year). Thanks a lot, Websters.  So yeah, even if their message means that I look terrifyingly fierce, fear not: as this postcard I got advises, it's fun first, safety second.

From: Derek and Rickie

Sent: 29 August 2011

Key takeaways: Greetings from just off the California coastline, where a toothy welcome awaits you beneath perfect waves breaking just off the beach.  As postcards go, this one is a bold bet.  On the one hand, it's colorful, funny, and shocking, all of which should provoke interest in California.  On the other hand, this thing is legitimately terrifying.  More than that, it's just plain ugly.  Look at those gums!  Gross.  The beady golden eye is kind of cool, but the whole package is repulsive.  Derek and Rickie have impeccable taste, though, so I guess I'll have to declare that this postcard I got will be a net positive for California, which is apparently horrifyingly welcoming.

Catch shell and cruise under the waves:

Honu

The Hawaiian Green Sea Turtle, or honu, is listed as an endangered species.

Well, scratch everything I said yesterday, because the turtle must be somewhat friendly if it's become endangered.  Maybe if people knew that it has such a cool Hawaiian name, they'd leave the poor honu alone.  Nemo's tubular pal aside, this is one serious backside of a postcard.  We have a true tour de force message from Gosselin (type "Goss" into a 2006-era predictive text cellphone, and you'll see the reason for "Hops"), a fun message in the bottom right, and a very graphic map of Hawaii!  I haven't yet been to Hawaii, but if they're willing to work this hard to attract us with this postcard I got, it won't be long before my first trip.

From: Gosselin

Sent: 10 April 2012

Key takeaways: Greetings from the emerald waters of the Hawaiian coast, where the green sea turtle roams unchecked, menacing unsuspecting surfers and swimmers!  Yeah, it's beautiful and quite possibly endangered, but look at the focus in those eyes - if that's not attack mode, I don't know what is.  Aside from the clear and present danger presented by this terrifying testudo, it is pretty cool looking, and the fact that it can swim through such glittery water is impressive.  Half warning, half seducing, this postcard I got is pushing you to throw caution to the wind and check out the forbidden beauty of the South Seas.

Put up the sail and cruise around back:

FREMANTLE, Western Australia

Yes, it's in the West.  Why don't they have Andrew and Jackie writing for them?  In one sentence, they manage to make Fremantle seem like the greatest place on earth, replete with a cool nickname!  Andrew and Ian were down there training for the Star boat World Championships, and it seems like they had a helluva time, although I would have stayed away from the first training site.  Anyway, thanks for making me jealous last December, guys, because as this postcard I got shows, Freo in December is quite a bit nicer than rainy and cold Paris.

From: Andrew and Jackie

Sent: 7 December 2011

Key takeaways: Greetings from Fremantle, Western Australia, where you don’t need a map to figure out where your province is located.  Actually, that’s pretty clever of the province namers, who were clearly not in favor of wasting time on small talk.  Fremantle is famous for sailing, and you can see why—the distinguishing mark of the city seems to be the endless snaking breakwaters, clearly built with the prison labor so famously not in short supply Down Under.  Even what is ostensibly their opera house is built in the middle of the shipping terminal.  So if you enjoy hanging by the shore and have enough miles stored up, this postcard I got shows you could do worse than to head south(west) to Fremantle.

Let's see if there are two bags full around back:

BERKSHIRE STYLE. The Go-To Website For Everything Berkshire

If you have a passion for a refined simplicity, regional charm and good taste, you have come to the right place!  After all, what is life without style?

Please visit us at www.BerkshireStyle.com

In terms of postcard blurbs fulfilling their goal to promote what's on front, this passage belongs in the hall of fame.  Whose inner monologue isn't saying, "Hey, that's me!" after each listed item?  Refined simplicity?  Yes.  Regional charm?  Yes!  Good taste?! YES!  The next sentence is a bit...douchey...but it doesn't totally undo the good work done in the lede.  Of course, there's nothing BerkshireStyle.com can do about the solid zinger from Dad in the message - take that, Berkshires; you aren't as good as Paris!  Ha!  Still, this postcard I got shows that the little region that could isn't half bad.