Postbreakup?

It was so much easier to just get hit. Navigating emotional tyranny is not for the weak.

It’s just like a breakup. I’m only in love with the idea of this job.

I forgot what would have been our 4th anniversary. Completely missed it. I don’t even think of you anymore unless I’m trying to trust and enraged that my body is so resistant to it.

It was a store bought crust. I thought I could fake it. I thought the universe wouldn’t notice and would just see that I was in love.

You said you were working on figuring out why you didn’t see me as a priority. Spoiler alert, it’s because I didn’t fit your perfect mold.

Stop using you leaving me as a way to get pity from people. You are truly not a victim in this. You don’t know how to exist when everyone isn’t swarming you with attention and praise in any capacity. You don’t actually do the work, you just post about it for likes. You’ve spent plenty of time trying to convince me that I have a warped view of our relationship and I only saw the negative but that’s what it was. 4 years of you treating me like I was unworthy to exist in your amazing presence and that you weren’t actually abusive, selfish and ego driven. You’re really just afraid that I’ll tell people how you really behaved. You’re a textbook narcissist and you have no place in my life.

I think you have this idea in your head of me either drinking, partying and pretending to be alright or struggling to exist without you and the reality is, neither of them are accurate. I have very real moments where I miss you and think maybe I should reach out and then I remember that you abruptly left after telling me you only saw me as a friend. After marrying me without being in love with me. You don’t know what you want but I do and it’s more than you can give me.

I feel so alone. I love my friends but I don’t have the same connection with them that I have with you and I can’t find the same comfort in them that I found in you and I don’t know what to do with that.

As soon as I started to stand up for myself and ask for help and declare my unhappiness with the amount of emotional labor I was doing, you were quick to disconnect.

I’ve been alone for the last 2 years. They have been entirely about you and no one else. I only existed in your space.

When I started to feel good about taking photos again, you made fun of me for the photos I posted and I never shared any with you again. That was me trying to eat out and do something and you shut it down, but yeah, that’s my fault.

I miss feeling safe with you. You’re little but your arms around me always felt big.

I just ordered room service. A salad and fries. Extra ranch. I wish you were here.

I went 27 hours without talking to you. I hit a wall around 13 hours and cried and cried and cried before I went to bed. I miss my person. My heart feels like a massive hole. You asked me if I was stopping by tonight and for a minute, I wanted you to want me to. I can’t. I want to more than anything. I want to tell you all about my trip and sobbing in a bar holding hands with Becca while we collectively grieved losing our people. But I can’t. I want to kiss you with the most relaxed lips and bury my face in your neck and breathe you in and remember when everything felt good but I can’t. The good is getting smaller and smaller. I can remember the times that felt empty or neutral or where I felt neglected but not good. The last time you made me feel good, I’m assuming it was forced.

Today was the longest day ever. Every time I had a great new experience or ate something amazing I was immediately hit with a sharp pain in my heart because I couldn’t share it with you. You are still the only thing that makes sense to me. Even when we didn’t have the romance you were still my constant. You are my person and I don’t know how to let that go.

One time I watched you take a picture of me on FaceTime when you thought I was asleep. I thought I could never love you more.

Puppies? Sure.