if i look back, i am lost
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@poskozena
I got engaged.
I put it on instagram a half a year later then it happened
And you liked the picture.
And I careâŚ
I care you liked it.
I care you care.
And I feel bad I care.
But you will always be important.
No matter what, you were my first.
And I feel bad for caring.
I feel unfaithful.
Again.
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We are in this weird place in our life. And I think this is a part of growing up and becoming a responsible adults which we are supposed to be.
You are so used to one place which you call a home and you donât even question it. Itâs the home and you know that.
But at some point, you find yourself not feeling the same way there. Seeing people which you have known for years in different way. Not feeling at home
You have changed so much and you donât fit anymore. And suddenly you feel so out of a place. You feel alone even though there are many people around you.
And I think at this moment you have to make your home within yourself or someone you love. For a while, your home will not be a place but a person or just a feeling.
We are in this weird period where it is what it is. You donât fit anymore, but you are too scared to leave and grow up.
Until one day, you settle and you will make your own beautiful home. I promise you, it will happen.
I love him, I do.
I do.
I do love him.
But sometimes, just sometimes, I think about others.
Sometimes, I am close to someone whose energy is so strong and I am having hard time to stay away.
I have never cheated on him and I donât want to.
I just feel bad, for wanting someone else.
Is it normal? Or am I just a bad person?
DÄkuju ti za vÄerejĹĄek, jen prosĂm, pojÄme pĹedstĂrat, Ĺže jsem nic neĹekla a ty si nic nepamatujeĹĄ. NormĂĄlnÄ si takovĂŠ vÄci nechĂĄvĂĄm pro sebe.
ProsĂm.
I am waiting for you in the airport. Czech airport, because you came to visit me and meet my family. You came from UK to visit me. And I canât wait to see you. But I am also thinking, when my ex was waiting for my in US in the airport, how did he feel, does he think about me sometimes? Because right now, I am thinking about him even though I am waiting for you. It isnât that about me wanting him, I am just curious. I always have been. Is he sometimes thinking about me?
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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I love him si much, so much. I have never loved anyone this way. He is planning future with me and our relationship is good, he is amazing, he is good. And I canât stop thinking, if I am too fat for him. What if he will stop liking me. I tried my old clothes today. It was mistake. I want to jump out of my body, I want to throw up, but at the sae time I didnât eat anything âbadâ. I lost 30kg and I feel like I gained everything bad. I want to cry and tell him everything, but I am sooo scared, he will suddenly see how I look and he will not love me anymore. I just want to be skinny. Can I be please skinny again? Please, I am trying so hard and nothing is working. Please. I am scared and I just want to cry
Dear love, I love you, I love to be loved, I love to love someone. I am so grateful love is in my life. It is the purest and the most beautiful feeling which I have ever felt. It is also the most scary feeling, because every single day, every single minute, I am afraid. I am afraid that I will lose you. But after a long time, I have something to lose and even though it is scary, there is the beauty in loving someone. I am grateful love is in my life.
Sleep isnât always an escape. Your dreams can be just as painful as reality.
I have this amazing boyfriend. He is amazing, he cares, he loves me, he says me how beautiful I am. He told me how he never wants to lose me because I am too important. He writes and says the right things. I am falling for him so much and I am scared. I am so scared. I want to be next to him and with him every second of my day. I am so worried, anxious and nervous. He is becoming such a big part of my life and it freaks me out. So much, it hurts in my chest and I donât know what to do with that fear.
It's crazy how trauma causes you to push people away when all you ever wanted is to be loved.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch ⢠No registration required ⢠HD streaming
âThere are two reasons why people donât talk about things; either it doesnât mean anything to them, or it means everything.â
â Unknown (via thoughtkick)
Do you understand the violence it took to become this gentle?
if you hold me without hurting me, you'd be the first who ever did.
would they do the same for u
Everything is just so heavy right nowâŚ
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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I remember when you texted me the most beautiful message. You wrote:Â âwe are queen and king. One day you will be the best psychologist and I will work with music and we will just be happy togetherâ. And now, a year after, I am actually studying psychology and I canât get this message out of my head. I want to text you, call you, tell you, that I did it, I did it and I want to have you next to me. It has been a year since we broke up. I am on the other side of the world than you and I still cannot get you out of my head. I need you here, I want you here. We were so similar and that is scary. Why do I want you back? I am saying it out loud. Our relationship was abusive and that is the reason why this hurts so much. I love you and I hate you at the same time and I hate myself, that I love you, because I know how much you hurted me and how you enjoyed it. I hate you and I love you, still....
A najednou si vzpomeneĹĄ, jak jsi sedĂĄvala na tÄch eskalĂĄtorech.
ZhroucenĂĄ, neĹĄĹĽastnĂĄ, ĂşplnÄ v prdeli.
StojĂĹĄ na nich teÄ a podlamujĂ se ti kolena, jak moc si chceĹĄ zase sednout.
Spadnout a jenom sedÄt.
Tohle tvoje jĂĄ je tak daleko a ty po nÄm zase chĹapeĹĄ. BĂ˝t v pĂÄi mĂĄ nÄco do sebe aĹĽ se ti to lĂbĂ nebo ne.
Jedna tvoje ÄĂĄst by chtÄla. Zase se zboĹit a zĹŻstat zboĹenĂĄ.
Bude to takovĂŠ vĹždycky? PrĂĄt se sama se sebou o to zda chci a budu ĹĄĹĽastnĂĄ?
Bude?
Jå uŞ se nechci pråt. Chci jenom být.
Nesedla jsem siâŚ
