having to eat food and take showers is ruining my life
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@poppies-and-bones
having to eat food and take showers is ruining my life

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idea from dmthinkr on twitter
*street shot of zohran mamdani clad in nasty lil suit and hard hat* five months ago i was elected mayor of new york city. in that time, we have managed to COMPLETELY defeat the Staten Island Minotaur at no additional cost to the new york taxpayer
i think its a lil sad how often people will like restrain themselves from exploring new identities and hobbies because they don't want it to be an "embarrassing phase" because honestly i think its way cooler to have a diverse and varied lifestyle that you can look back on and say "omg i used to love doing that!" and apply those skills and interests to something else.
Okay, fine, I'll say it. I'll speak my mind. Meow meow meow meow meow.

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Data centers have a very limited lifespan but their consequences will be felt for generations.
no no, I realise it, I’m just still driving despite the check engine light being on
sometimes you just have to say "you are all so fucking stupid" and scroll past
Paige spending 75% of the Dark Mirror pining for Arcturus, stuck in a constant state of guilt because she thinks she’s ruined things between them, and hating the fact that she can’t be close to him, just to break down and confess her feelings to him after he touches her one (1) time is the level of yearning I now expect from all fictional romances. step it up, authors
Remember: toe beans are the sign of a killer.
Funnily enough, I’m not 100% joking. While many animals have paw pads, the particular kind of soft, squishy beans found on housecats are an adaptation for stealth. Squishy beans mean you’re looking at an ambush predator.
These are the beans of a killer, Bella.

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it’s never a normal temperature anymore it’s always some fucking bullshit
I need you young people to know it was almost never this hot when I was a child. Millennials and Gen Xers are all nostalgic and excited about summer because it was about ten to twenty degrees cooler to experience it back then!
I cannot express to you how FAST it has gone. I grew up in a world that does not exist now. We're starting on the path to reverse it, globally. You might not know how much solar has EXPLODED in the last decade or two. It's gone from a side thing, a weirdo novelty that was just Not Viable... to whole countries investing in infrastructure. but we have to keep fighting big oil and fascism everywhere we can in order to keep on this road to a new better less scorching burning earth.
But any time you wonder wtf the weather is doing- THIS IS NOT NORMAL, NO. THIS IS NOT WHAT IT WAS EVEN TWENTY YEARS AGO.
It's not just the heat as well. I can only talk for Germany. Summer used to be mostly 20-25 °C it would go up to 30 occasionally and I think 35, but that would have been extreme. We never had 40°C like ever. And it wasn't 30 for like two weeks.
But also big storms. When I was in ninth grade there was a big storm, its name was Kyrill. This must have been 2006. Why do I remember this? Because it was a huge thing, because we didn't get storms like this. We were sent home early so we could get home safely before it got bad. It was the first time I experienced a storm like this and I didn't experience one like this in years after. Now we get storms like this twice a year or so.
im fucking crying
once you reach a certain level of Animal Knowing you become burdened with two absolutely true, completely contradictory facts:
animals are basically the same, a lion is a big kitty
a lion is absolutely not a big kitty, are you fucking stupid?
Back when I was in high school, volunteering at the zoo, I had this encounter with one of our mountain lions.
Now, I had actually petted the older, calmer female. But this was one of the males - they'd never been even slightly interested in me. But today? He made eye contact with me. He hunkered down. He did the butt waggle like he was going to pounce. Again. And... POUNCE. That cat crossed a good 20 meters in about 3 seconds. He only turned away at the last moment because there was an electrified fence.
He made sure I knew he was there. He wasn't hunting: he was playing. This was exactly like a housecat playing with you.
But, just because he was playing, didn't mean I wouldn't have been dead if he'd actually pounced on me.
They are big kitties. It's just that housecats are small and can't seriously injure you.
Thank you, that was terrifying
I think the only person I've met in real life with 100% career satisfaction was this gal I knew who was a presenter at a children's science museum and delivered every line like she was running a WWE match. Every time you passed the room where she was giving a presentation, you'd hear something like "WHO'S READY FOR CEPHALOPODS?!?" and the kids would go absolutely nuts cheering.
i am some sort of fey creature and my cat is the human who i have arbitrarily decided is my favorite human.
i live, to him, an unfathomably long life
i have access to powers and locations that he cannot access independently; he needs my help to navigate the world i've brought him to
i simply found him outside and abducted him one day
there are many cats in the world, but this one is the best and my most favorite. why? because he was available to abduct that morning and for very little other reason.
i have a much greater understanding of this world than him, but he has unshakable confidence in his ability to figure it out and i find that really cute
the power dynamic is fundamentally unbalanced, but i let him have a little audacity. a little combativeness and sass. as a treat.
some humans are needlessly cruel to cats or take them in for a short time before neglecting or abandoning them. but i have chosen to love and guard this one with my life. because i think he's neat.
he is very well-treated and has pretty much everything he could possibly want or need, but he is my prisoner.
You feed him food found nowhere in nature, but that tastes reminiscent of things he could eat- birds and mammals.
You could give him divine treats at any time that taste so much better than food it might drive him a little mad wanting more. You do not give them to him on any schedule he can discern.
You can lay a dry powder on the ground which causes him to lose his mind a little and behave differently for a short time should he inhale any of it. Sometimes this is inside of his entertainment for the day, and he becomes your entertainment.
You create illusions on flat surfaces that look like prey or other things, illusions that move and sound like they are real and yet when he touches them he finds only cold, flat walls.
You give him prey he cannot eat, prey that are bright colors and make strange sounds and may look nothing like real prey and yet he is enticed to chase and kill, especially the small, uncatchable red dot.
You sleep in a nest of impossibly soft material, and allow him to share this space to sleep beside you, and even to sleep there when you are gone.
Sometimes you disappear and he can find no way to follow or escape in your absence. You create and destroy openings in solid walls at your convenience.
You speak a language he cannot understand, and sometimes you say garbled words in the language of his children, and so he speaks back to you like a mother does a child in the hopes you will understand him and sometimes you seem to.

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it's so hardcover –> we're so paperback
this post is making me pronounce hardcover in a way i never considered
You will not die at the hands of quicksand. Ask me how I know this
Please, how do you know this?
quicksand does not have any hands