Combatting Loneliness in a Sometimes Lonely World
As an introvert, I was always used to spending time alone. Sometimes it was voluntary, but often it was not. I had a hard time making friends in grade school and middle school because I was so quiet. I didn’t say much at all. I didn’t make much eye contact or look up in the hallways.
I spent a lot of time looking at the floor and it’s no wonder I still have poor posture and a slouch today. I started memorizing the patterns on the floor. I felt safer to hide from the world than to see it. I thought being quiet was a way to protect myself from being judged or bullied, but in fact, my shyness made me a target at times.
In middle school, I was so desperate to find a lunch table to sit at that when I did, it became an anxiety-ridden part of my day. I wanted to talk enough so that they would let me stay and not think I was weird, but at the same time, I wanted them to like me so I was afraid to say something stupid. Anytime I talked, people would say “What did you say?” Or “Huh?” I used the lowest tone possible.
I always volunteered to sponge the table at the end of lunch as we had to do at our school. That’s when I discovered I was a people pleaser. Every day I stuck my hand in the cheap reused cafeteria water to grab one and cleaned off our table. By the time I put it away, the whole table had left. It wasn’t until high school that I found my people.
They accepted me when my best friend at the time had pushed me away and stopped talking to me altogether. It felt like someone had died. The person I loved the most was gone, but I still had to see her each day. She made a new best friend and she was much happier.
I can remember the moment as clear as possible to this day. We were in forensics class and after class, her new friend pulled me aside and told me to leave my former best friend alone and that I was causing her pain. That’s when I developed this idea and a current thought I still struggle with that I’m too much and I am the problem. I learned and started to believe this idea that I wasn’t lovable or worthy of friends. I still struggle with the fear of losing those close to me because of that.
My friends in high school and I loved music, we were in the poetry club together, and we all watched the show True Blood every Sunday together at my friend’s house. They were there for me at my lowest. My one friend even let me stay at her place with her family for a week when I couldn’t be at home. I didn’t feel alone physically, but I realized that there was this inherent loneliness inside of me. It didn’t matter if I was with 7 people or just 1. This loneliness and “misfit” feeling felt like an empty pit in my chest.
Now, at 30 years old, I struggle even more with that loneliness. There are very few people that when I’m with the loneliness subsides. It’s an extremely short list - my Aunt, my cousins, and my best friend. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel joy around others in my life or feel terrible when I’m with them, but it still seems to exist. When I feel safest, that’s when I feel the least lonely.
Some days, I love spending the day with myself. Some days I prefer it. However, there are a lot of days lately where being alone is really scary. Having time off from work is the ultimate reinforcement for me, but the last time I had a week off my loneliness drove me to a new low. As I have some time off work coming up, this nervousness of where my mind may take me feels unsettling and nerve-racking.
So… how do I combat this loneliness? Well, I haven’t always been successful. In fact, I’m always looking for suggestions! The biggest one is self-care, which is not one of my strengths. I find it easier to punish myself for something than to do something nice for myself. Although I’m full-time introverted, I also have started working as a part-time extrovert in the last couple of years. It was a tough job to apply for, but I finally got it.
When I’m not with someone I love, music keeps me the most company. In fact, that is my self-care. Learning a new song, teaching myself a new instrument, and trying to get my pitch just right is something that takes me completely out of my head. I become so mindful of the moment and before I know it, a few hours have passed.
My biggest advice, keep going. Face the storm and the most likely temporary rough waves. I certainly need to take my own advice as I’ve almost given up many times. When I feel the loneliest, I just tell myself to get through the moment and remember the people I love.
