seafetch

"I am not a crook!"

In my head it was perfect: Shoot into a giant closeout barrel while wearing a Nixon mask, and filming it first person with a hand plane and a gopro. Simple. So I put the mask on and slip out of the house without anybody noticing, onto the beach, and toward Off the Wall. The waves are double overhead…no biggie.

My first hurdle to overcome: people are staring at me like I’m an idiot who is going to get rescued. Probably because I am an idiot (but I’m not going to get rescued!). So I get over that embarrassment. 

I’m at the water’s edge. Where the hell do I put all this stuff / gear? Ok, strap the hand plane on. Attach the gopro to the hand plane. And the mask? Fuck it. Stuff it in my turbo. Tie it tight. Hurdle 1b to overcome: people are staring at me stuffing a Nixon mask into my pink turbo.

Ok. Hand plane is on, gopro is secure, and bulge is solid from mask stuffing — time to swim out. There’s no clear channel and it’s reef all the way, so I’ll just take my time, take a bunch of waves on the head, and then I’ll be fine. Nothing new here. 5 minutes later I’m almost to the critical point of where the waves are, getting ready to make my hard push past everything. Take one look back at the house, and everyone is on the deck staring at me. Fuck. So much for incognito — better not screw this up. Well, at least I am out here alone.

Wait…there are two surfers paddling out now. Fuck. Just act cool and say hi to them. “Hi guys.” 

Good job.

Ok how is this going to work? I’m just going wait for the perfect wave. Throw the mask on over my head, go blind, and hope everything works out. 

10 minutes go by…me looking for the perfect wave…swimming around trying to get into a good spot so I can take off on a wave blindly.

A SET!!! Welp, it’s now or never. Pull the mask over my ears, swim out to the wave, and do the same thing you’ve done a million times…except with a mask…and a hand plane. Don’t forget to hit record on the gopro.

AND I’M OFF! Fuck Peter Pan — I’m flying. Face of the wave is a little bit bumpy holding a hand plane but who cares. Everything is perfect. Get ready for the giant close out barrel. WHOOOOOOOSH!

Long story short, because I couldn’t see, I was cutting up the wave way too high. I carved up so high, the hand plane dug into the water and flew off my hand then everything proceeded to go over the falls — go pro — hand plane — my limbs. I was instantly separated from my possessions (except the Turbo). Kiss the love, showing it some love and pop up pretty quick. SHIIIIIIT! I just lost $400 worth of stuff. No joke, a split second later, the hand plane along with the gopro popped up right in front of my face. WOO! A scream of relief. 

After searching for the Nixon mask, I found it on the inside 20 minutes later. Do I have video of all of this? Yup. I’ll post it later when I give it an edit.