Polygoing, polygone.

Because when someone doesn’t want to date me because I’m poly it’s ‘understandable’ but when I don’t want to date someone because they are monogamous it’s ‘ridiculous.’

Because all relationship advice tells you that if you have feelings for someone else while you’re in a relationship you’re a bad person.

Because even feminists try to slut shame me.

Because when I tell people me and my partner have an open relationship they assume it’s because we’re going through a rough patch.

Because people equate ‘multiple partners’ with ‘predator’ and think everything I say is an attempt to get in their pants.

Because I am fed up of love triangles as easy plot devices in my media.

Because the LGBTQA+ movement are so desperate to show ‘allies’ they are ‘just like everyone else’ that they shit on everyone with a non-monogamous dynamic.

Because when a monogamous couple have sex with each other every night it’s having an active sex drive. When I have sex with a different partner every night I’m a nymphomaniac.

Because people think that monogamy = validity, always.

Because monogamous hetronormativity is so ingrained that I don’t even feel like I can dance with someone without telling them the complete logistics of my love life.

Because people genuinely believe that raising a child communally is damaging to development.

Because when I say ‘I could never be monogamous’ I get dirty looks.

Because too many people have tried to confide in me when they’re cheating because ‘I thought you, of all people, would understand.’

Because I can’t talk about my relationship troubles with my monogamous friends because ‘I always have something to fall back on.’ As if my relationships are meaningless.

Because if me or my partner are ever with other people then people gossip and assume that we are all having sex with each other even when we aren’t all involved in that way with one another.

Because when I break up with a partner and am sad about it I’ve had monogamous people tell me “at least you still have your other partner” as if that’s making it some less of a loss.

Because if I ever argue with any of my partners or have any issues that are general to any relationship model many of my monogamous friends will blame it on the polyamory and berate it all saying it sounds too complicated. Even if the argument was about nothing to do with polyamory.

Because people assume I will become monogamous when I meet the right person and that my other partners aren’t good enough somehow.

Because when I started dating a monogamous person who wanted to try open themselves up to being poly I was accused of manipulating them into it and being selfish for not changing to be mono for them. Even though they kept explaining to people that they wanted it for themselves and it was their choice. People wouldn’t listen to him and now years later they tell us they admire our relationship and wish they had one like it.

I remember the night before my 17th birthday. “This is it,” I whispered into my Sailor Moon pillow. The clock flashed 11:59 pm, burning its red LED numerals into my eyes. The air was thick but I wasn’t sure if it was anticipation, or nerves. Counting my breaths, (in, out, and in, and out) I watched for the numbers to change, for everything to be decided, to start my future. What would I be? Who would I love tomorrow? I crossed my fingers that I’d at least be bisexual. I had always crushed on my best friend, Sky. I can almost imagine her lips pressed against… “No, Mimzy. You can’t think like that”, I scolded myself, “No one knows what their true orientation is until the strike of their 17th birthday”. But, was it a hint, I wondered? Was it a preminition? Or would I only end up wanting to be with, specifically, male identifying individuals? Would my crush on her instantly stop the moment that clock rolled over?  I silently wondered if my mother was staring at her clock, too. Did it matter to her? What would she think of me in the morning? On her Orientation Day, she woke up a monogamous demisexual, panromantic. I mean, that doesn’t sound so bad. I could hear my father’s snores drifting through the walls. Was it the sound that was shaking my bed, or was the static tension of my excitement causing me to tremble?  My brother had another year to wait before his Orientation Day. Would he be clenching his teeth? Digging his nails into his palms until he swore there was blood? He swore he’d be bisexual, but who knows at his age? I started to imagine living in a world where people’s orientations are fluid and can change over time. It’d be a pretty place with daisies, where you could be straight leaning one week and be homosexual for years, a place where you can grow and keep rediscovering yourself… I sighed. 

I swear I heard a click as the clock hit 12:00 am and all the queer, polyamorous feelings flooded through my body. What was this? Compersion? Why did I suddenly want to be cuddled by 2 other people? What was this? Why did I have a sudden urge to buy a day planner and and talk about my feelings so much? Why didn’t I care about the genders or genitals of my future partners? WHAT WAS THIS? And that, children, was the very moment I became a queer, polyamorous person. 

Poly =/= Cheating

People often talk about poly in the context of being akin to loving/having multiple friends. So how is the concept of primary different than having a best friend? One can have multiple primaries, as one can have multiple best friends - and just because you have that categorization, it doesn’t mean that you’re somehow giving your other friends or partners the shaft - it just means you’ve formed a unique type of relationship with whoever you’ve agreed upon that label with

On the other side of things, I’ve often felt like being strictly non-hierarchical is often used as a way to avoid commitment, or otherwise treat people as “easy to leave or abandon, as convenient”. (Obviously that’s not always the case.)

While I understand your comparison, I think if you believe in relationship anarchy, that you’d have a problem with enforced romantic/partner hierarchy. From my understanding and from what I’ve read, it’s about throwing out the labels and the expectations. [ “Relationship anarchists do not rank personal, loving relationships or “ Don’t rank and compare people and relationships”.]  At least, from what I’ve read into it.  It’s the label that comes with the technical implications. It would be like “Look at this jar, but it doesn’t have to be a jar! It can also be a sand scooper!” and, while you’re not wrong, most people are going to assume its a jar and approach it as such.  

In your example about a “bestfriend”, yes. They have that title that I have given to them because of length of relationship, amount of time we are together, and amount of secrets we know. It does not mean they come first above my other friends (although I am extremely territorial). We decided to use a label and there is nothing that we do that would go along with a completely other label/defintion.  UNLIKE in hierarchical polyamory, where the primary relationship comes first. The very definition of “primary” means “first” and the very definition of “hierarchy” is there is someone more important than the rest. I feel like I need to stress that you should read into a label before you call yourself it. Just because you say it means something different to you, does not mean it changes the meaning for everyone.  hi·er·ar·chyˈhī(ə)ˌrärkē/nouna: system or organization in which people or groups are ranked one above the other according to status or authority. pri·ma·ryˈprīˌmerē,ˈprīm(ə)rē/adjective: 1.of chief importance; principal.

In my 3 years of being openly polyamorous, I have YET to meet a couple/etc. in a hierarchical relationship that proves your theory of them NOT being dichotomous. 

On the other side of things, I am non-hierarchical and while I do have a partner I live with and spend most of my time with (because we have been together for five years) I EXPLICITLY do not identify as hierarchical because there is no HIERARCHY (Literally... The word itself goes by its definition.) Because I am very well aware of the fact that he might meet a partner who he is with for life and maybe he only ends up with me for another 10 years.  Now, while there is nothing inherently wrong with hierarchies (as long as you’re aware what that means to most people and are honest about it with future partners), this is why there are so many people who get nervous around hierarchies. By definition, there is implied favoritism and rule sets that come along with it.