Negotiating the Maze of Labels

Okay, so, freshman year, I’m deep in my “everything sucks and I’m stuck with these assholes” mentality. My English teacher was a notorious hard-ass, let’s call him Mr. Hargrove. He was the guy every student prayed they didn’t get. And, on top of ALL OF THE SHIT I WAS ALREADY DEALING WITH, I had him for English.

One of the laborious assignments he gave us was to keep a daily journal. Daily! Not monthly or weekly. Fucking daily. Handwritten. And we had to turn it in every quarter and he fucking graded us. He graded us on a fucking journal.

All of my classmates wrote shit like what they did that day or whatever. But, I did not. No, sir. I decided to give the ol’ middle finger to the assignment and do my own shit.

So, for my daily journal entries, over the course of an entire year, I wrote a serialized story about a horde of man-eating slugs that invaded a small mining town. It was graphic, it was ridiculous, it was an epic feat of rebellion.

And Mr. Hargrove loved it.

It wasn’t just the journal. Every assignment he gave us, I tried to shit all over it. Every reading assignment, everyone gushed about how good it was, but I always had a negative take. Every writing assignment, people wrote boring prose, but I wrote cheesy limericks or pulp horror stories.

Then, one day, he read one of my essays to the class as an example of good writing. When a fellow student asked who wrote it, he said, “Some pipsqueak.”

And that’s when I had a revelation. He wanted to fight. And since all the other students were trying to kiss his ass, I was his only challenger.

Mr. Hargrove and I went head-to-head on every assignment, every conversation, every fucking thing. And he ate it up. And so did I.

One day, he read us a column from the Washington Post and asked the class what was wrong with it. Everyone chimed in with their dumbass takes, but I was the one who landed on Mr. Hargrove’s complaint: The reporter had BRAZENLY added the suffix “ize” to a verb.

That night I wrote a jokey letter to the reporter calling him out on the offense in which I added “ize” to every single verb. I gave it to Mr. Hargrove, who by then had become a friendly adversary, for a chuckle and he SENT IT TO THE REPORTER.

And, people… The reporter wrote back. And he said I was an exceptional student. Mr. Hargrove and I had a giggle about that because we both knew I was just being an asshole, but he and the reporter acknowledged I had a point.

And that was it. That was the moment. Not THAT EXACT moment, but that year with Mr. Hargrove taught me I had a knack for writing. And that knack was based in saying “fuck you” to authority. (The irony that someone in a position of authority helped me realize that is not lost on me.)

So, I can say without qualification that Mr. Hargrove is the reason I am now a professional writer. Yes, I do it for a living. And most of my stuff takes authorities of one kind or another to task.

thigh kissing is nice, ass grabbing, thigh gripping, a little passionate teasing takes you far and honestly gets her wetter by the minute 

slow down, take your time at first, dont just dive in, enjoy your meal

that rapid flicking thing doesnt do much for me (i cant speak for every girl) but slow runs across the clit are lovely, just focus on the clit, let your fingers do some work if you get tired or something 

1. Stop the fucking flicking shit.

2. Focus on the CLIT. Suck it, circle it. Engulf it. If she moans, keep doing that.

3. But pls, do visit thighland. Inner thigh licking and kissing will set us on fire.

4. What is this fingering shit? Massage the gspot or get out. We feel nothing with that little stabbing motion. Also, stop sticking your 2 inches of tongue in there. Come back up to the clit.

5. LONG stokes with the tongue.

6. Stop humming. Most of us use vibrators so that little humming trick you learned from GQ will pale in comparison.

7. Speaking of vibes, the reason you’re in our bed is because you can do 1 thing our wands and rabbits can’t do. And that’s grab us. Grab us, squeeze us, we want to feel your hands on our body.

8. If you can reach, grab a titty.

9. Some women are self conscious about how they look/taste/smell down there. Or worry about taking too long to orgasm, so let her know you’re enjoying it. Moan, groan, sound like you’re eating a plate of ribs

Rule #2: Don’t do it like they do it in porn!!!

Rule #3: That stupid tongue-way-out and flicking triple time? They do that in porn.

Rule #4: They do that in porn because if they were licking pussy the right way you’d see a) two thighs and b) the back of a head.  In porn they want to see a) pussy and b) as little of the man as possible.

Rule #5: Don’t do it like they do it in porn.

Rule #6: Your tongue is not a cock.  Sometimes people in porn use their tongues like a cock.  But see rules #1-5.  Also the second and third sentences of this rule!

Rule #7: Watch how she touches herself.  (What, you’ve watched how she touches herself, right? If not watch how pretty much _every_ woman touches herself when she’s legit getting off and not just doing what women do in porn.

Rule #8: Lick her where she touches herself.  Because those are the good spots.

Rule #9: Notice how much she’s fingering inside herself when she touches herself?  Yeah, me either usually.

Rule #10: If she does touch herself inside, notice how deep her fingers go?  Gene Simmon’s tongue isn’t that long, or that strong.  See Rule #6.

Rule #11: See her hipbones?  See the insides of her thighs almost up by her knees?  Unless she’s ticklish (in which case maybe spend more time kissing face to face and letting her get really warmed up, because…

Side Rule #A: Ticklish almost always means not-horny-enough.

Rule #12: Back to Rule #11: Find time to kiss her everywhere between her hipbones and the insides of her thighs almost up to her knees.  Then start kissing her kitty.

Rule #13: When she’s really wound up she’s very likely to be sensitive everywhere detailed in Rule #11.

Rule #14: Long, soft strokes with the flat of your tongue.  From the bottom of her kitty along side her outer lips to the top.  Then on the other side.

Rule #15: Which they rarely do in porn.  So do that.

Rule #16: gently part her lips with your own lips and tongue and softly slip between her inner lips, tasting her as you go because she’s going to taste pretty good.

Rule #17: Maybe slurp one of her inner lips between yours, one side at a time, fairly close to the top near her clit, and swirl your tongue on the inside – while gently tugging down just a little bit because that tugs down on her clit a little bit.

Rule #18: Generally speaking don’t slide your tongue all the way under her hood because the tip of her clit is sensitive as hell and the top of your tongue is usually pretty rough.

Rule #19: You know how you watched the way she touches herself?  Take a minute to think about that again.  Bonus points of you remember which side of her clit she favors because almost everyone is more sensitive on one side than the other.

Side Rule #B: For some reason the average woman’s clit is more sensitive on the left side.

Side Rule #C: But goddamn it the woman you are going down on is anything but average!  So  your  her mileage may vary!

Rule #20: Open your mouth over her clit hood – about as wide as you comfortably can (though watch those teeth) – and then apply gentle suction.

Rule #21: Wetly swirl your tongue alongside the hood of her clit, up past the little fold that hides the tip.

Rule #22: Occasionally slide your tongue back and forth across the top of her clit hood.

Rule #23: If she’s really aroused you’ll start to feel a little “stem” growing underneath her hood.  That’s good.  Very, very good.

Rule #24: This is a very good time to think carefully about what you’re going to do next.  Because when you feel that little stem (her clit’s erect) then you might be able to back off a little bit.  And go on a little kissing and licking tour from #12, above.  Which might help her keep sailing and also help her from …

Rule #25: If you keep doing the same thing change it up a little, because she can go numb.  This will frustrate her at least as much as it will you.  

Rule #25: If you feel her little stem under her clit hood rise, and if she grabs your head or (especially) if she squeaks “don’t stop” in a tiny little entirely non-porn way (because Rules all-of-the-above if she’s really getting off she’s not likely to sound much like anyone in porn) then…

Rule #26: DON’T STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING!  Because she’s going to come if you don’t stop.  And want to grit her teeth, cry, or possibly kill you if you do.

Rule #27: When she’s done coming (she’ll let you know by releasing pressure on your head with her hands and/or possibly her thighs) go back to #11 and give her soft, gentle kisses there.  Because her inner lips and clit will almost certainly be pretty sensitive.

Rule #28: Climb up along side her and hold and kiss her.  (If you’re not sure she’ll like her flavor – many women do but quite a few don’t at all – then subtly wipe your face on the sheets on your way up.

Rule #29: I didn’t say anything about fucking her afterwards, did I?  No I didn not.  Sometimes she’ll want to after.  Sometimes she won’t.  Just like sometimes you’re up for it after she’s gone down on you and blown your socks across the room and other times you couldn’t get it up again for lifeboat room on the Titanic!  If not that’s ok.  You can jack off later, just like she rubs one out when you’ve capsized after coming.  But!

Rule #30: She’ll remember.  And rock your fucking socks next time.  Because most guys won’t go down on her at all, and the ones that do think porn is an instruction manual.  And so she won’t forget you pulling that thorn out of her paw, and she’ll be a lioness next time.  Which might not be that long because many (but not all!) women recover and are ready for a nice round two before all that long at all.

Rule #31: Rule #32, below, is the most important rule of all.

In other words don’t be a robot.  She’s not a robot either.  Interact, make eye contact, respond to her like she’s very likely responding to you!  

Be messy and don’t pay attention to being too “clean”, be dirty and be vocal! Show her that she is and will forever be your addiction and your drug and all you are concentrating!