wherever, whatever, have a nice day

and my irina headcanons… I think ilya remembers her as a saint and I don’t think uh. well. I think it was probably a little more complicated than that

was thinking about this again re: this post about how it’s terrifying for children to see their primary caregivers as unreliable or unpredictable, because that means they have zero control over their circumstances or what their adults do to them. and so they imagine that the adult in fact is reliable, consistent, dependable, and that it’s actually their own behavior or way of being in the world that’s eliciting the scary or unpredictable reactions from the caregiver. because you can change (or at least desperately try to change) yourself, so as to make yourself more palatable or more worthy of love to the adult. anyway I definitely don’t think irina was abusive but I think her mental illness probably made her pretty unpredictable as a caregiver. will she be here today? my warm, attentive, funny and beautiful mother? or will she be somewhere else, someone else—a withdrawn, listless stranger who looks right through me without noticing me? I think child ilya would have made her (and continues to make her) perfect and saintlike in his mind. so then what you’re left with us: what did I do wrong? what was wrong with me that I made her go away? that I made her not want to be here, not want to be my mother anymore?

The first time Ilya prompts Shane to say something during sex expecting him to say more or please and he gets hit with a thank you he cums so fast his 14 year old self appears to him and goes .. quick shot, huh?

(emerges 3 hours later covered in blood) i figured out what emotion i was feeling

Never forget that after their first hookup Shane was in his hotel room like fuck. Fuck I’m such a failure. He swallowed & I didn’t even try to let him cum in my mouth. If spitters are quitters what am I??? A fucking loser that’s what. But definitely not a gay one. Next time I’ll swallow. In a no homo way.

it's okay to block people for being mildly annoying unless of course it's me in that case you're just gonna have to suck it up sorry