bye

the first time i wanted to kill myself, i was ten. when i was told that i was adopted from mongolia. i’m not going to out out my entire life story, but learning that and what had happened to my birth family.

the second time was when i was twelve, when i told my family that i thought i was a boy and not a girl. that really didn’t go over well and was the beginning of a long line of abuse. i was thrown a bat mitzvah and really got hammered in the idea that i was female, and that’s what g-d intended. to think otherwise was blasphemy. i knew i was meant to be a man.

the third through fifth time, i actually tried. i didn’t succeed.

the sixth time, i fell prey to TERFs online.

the seventh time, i had been accused of something online i didn’t do. i was doxxed and outed to my family through my photography blog and kicked  out of the house. that’s when i joined a pro-choice website and discovered what i was doing wrong, and how to do it right. i was embraced by a community of free thinkers. but at the time i didn’t have the right materials. i do now.

there is no life for me as a trans ace gay man in russia. no place in the girl’s dormitories at uni. no chance of being recognized by my desired gender. no freedom in expression.

while the western world worries about which slurs can be reclaimed and by who, while pride month is celebrated in many countries and not mine, while the queer community falls into the trap of fighting over labels and policing their communities instead of embracing and loving each other -– something TERFs want more than anything, i cannot even breathe a word of pro queer propaganda. while western queer society argues over whether kink should be allowed at pride, queer citizens r being hunted down and tortured by government sanctioned russian extremist groups.

i can never have the money to get out. and even if i could, the world is too vast and cruel.

my eighth attempt comes not because of any one person, but a history of abuse and suffering. it is my choice to end my life, it is not easy. especially for the people i leave behind.

@dickneto to mars, u r my happiness. i’ve sent u a long and detailed letter separately.

@guaposauce bug (of the guapo variety), u r my kindness. i will miss u and i’m excited for u to get out there and conquer the world.

@fantasmavoid faye, u r my laugher. i love ur art and ur love for the godzilla verse.

@trashynishiki darrin, u r my hope. u will do amazing things, and i still love u. go get ‘em at ur new college

my main blog is on queue. hopefully i can become a technogeist. no one is at fault but me. they will bury me as naimanzuunnadintsetseg, which is mongolian for eight hundred precious flowers. fitting, for my eighth and final attempt.