I said that I can’t stop thinking about it. I need to know more details. I want to talk about it, but I don’t know where to start. We had the chance to do that today. But... I look at you and I have to hold back tears, so I try not to keep eye contact for too long. How will I hold a conversation about something that hurts me?

Another thing is that it’s out now. I said I feel embarrassed. I said I don’t want their pity. I said I don’t to want to look dumb. I was told that nothing has changed and the only person that can make things awkward is me. It’s true. It’s the fact that it is out there that makes me feel ... ashamed. I’m honestly not sure if that’s even the right word to describe how I’m feeling.

I have been thinking about every single factor and each one breaks my heart a little more and more.

Long drives are therapeutic for my current thoughts. What if this? What if that? Why? Why? Why?

I guess the situation hits me occasionally where I just can’t stop the tears from flowing. It gets worse at night. You see... it’s still a shock to me, all I can wonder is why? I find myself zoning out a lot and just thinking about the fact that it’s true and it happened.

It’s true and it happened.

I was told by a friend that I need to give myself time. Time to get over it. Time to forgive, but not forget.

This is how I am: it’s a cycle. I usually jump right back into being “normal”. It’s just so much easier to do what I’m used to. My mind then brings it back to the situation and I start to spiral down from there. Cycle restarts.

I know I should cut myself some slack. It’s only been a day. Only been a day... can’t believe that part.

I’ve always told myself to not be put in this position... and what to do if I was. I told myself it’s a done deal. Here I am... doing the complete opposite of what I told myself to do so many times before.

It’s tough because there’s really no guide to follow. It’s all on me and I don’t think I’m mentally strong enough for this. I already feel weak for going back on my words.