"Relax Ya Mind & Let Ya Conscience Be Free"

It’s only been one day (actually less at this very moment) since I’ve posted & shared my mental health piece with the world, & I’ve gotten SO much positive feedback! I was very reluctant on posting, but man am I glad I ever did! I never knew how many people could truly relate, not just black girls, but girls of all races & ethnicities, & even boys!

I am so honored to be able to have touched people’s lives, even if it were only one! I am glad to be able to share a sensitive piece with not only the world, but my friends & family who have known me for years. As stated in my writing, no one knew I was going through the things I went through. There’s literally no shame in my game because I am no longer that person. I have grown in ways that even I didn’t think were possible.

I tell my story because I want people to be able to see that if I can make it through something so traumatic & still manage to come out happier than before, they too can overcome whatever is bothering them in their life. They too can come out of it confident & have unconditional love for themselves.

So far, there has only been one person who has openly come out with something not so positive to say; I was told to “stop giving the internet so much.” My natural response was “stop telling me what to do.” First of all, me sharing this story is beyond me. My goal is to get as many people to read as possible.

So many people are living with mental illness & don’t feel comfortable speaking out because they don’t want to feel like they’re saying too much. They don’t want to look vulnerable. They don’t want to look weak. They don’t believe that anyone will care. Not talking about it makes the problem worsen, & then it never goes away. So, no the hell I will NOT “stop giving the Internet” my story. It’s 2016 & if you wanna be heard or just simply network, the best way to do so is via Internet. The worst part about all of this is this person has known me all of my life & I believed that we were pretty close.

Saying something like that was completely irrelevant anyway because the state of mind I have at this point is if you’re not serving me happiness, bounce. Like I said though, I will not stop talking about it. It took a lot of courage for me to post that & now that I see that I am truly inspiring people, I have no plans on stopping.

People need to understand that before most things, I am a writer. Writing is one of the most important things to me because it has gotten me through some very dark moments. I know that as a writer, I can not be selfish with giving pieces of myself. I know that as a writer, people are going to want to read & will be intrigued by the things that I have to say. I believe that my writing is a gift from God, & as a woman of God, I can not be afraid to be vulnerable or worried about what people think. Worry is the devils work.

In closing, I appreciate everyone who has read, shared, given me feedback, & who have been able to see me differently. I hope my readers began to have a different outlook on life & begin to treat others differently. Don’t judge a person for wanting to share a piece of themselves with you. If you do begin to find yourself judging, it’s probably a good idea that you take a look at your own self & began analyzing your own life.

When most people hear the term “mental illness, often times, many negative things come to mind. To some, mental illness means you’re crazy & something is wrong with you. Nobody’s going to understand you. Nobody is gonna like you. They’ll never really love you… & these thoughts are what trigger mental illness &/or make present mental illnesses worsen.

Nobody wants to be labeled, especially as anything negative. When you’re diagnosed with any kind of mental illness, it automatically makes you become more sheltered with the outside world. Let’s give anxiety for example. Most people don’t really consider anxiety anything other than a mind game that you play out in you own brain. However, it’s more than that. It’s something you have no control over. Sometimes it can be caused by overthinking or whatever the case may be, but most people who have anxiety will tell you that whenever they become overly anxious, something automatically happens through their body. Their heart rate begins to go up, they may sweat a little, or even become nauseous or just vomit altogether. They feel as though the world is closing in on them, the air is becoming tighter; they feel like they’re reaching death…

How do I know this? I know many people who suffer from anxiety… myself being one of them. I’ve experienced anxiety on one too many occasions. I’ve also suffered from chronic depression & suicidal thoughts/attempts. I am not afraid to admit any of this, nor am I ashamed of it anymore. It needs to be talked about. I am a BLACK WOMAN WHO SUFFERS FROM MENTAL ILLNESS. For a long time, I was in denial about my disorder(s). I seemed very “normal,” & I have always been strong. I can handle many things & I have been through & have seen so much. I figured since I wasn’t in a mental institution or rehab or anything, I was fine. I’m not crazy. Black people don’t get “mental illnesses.” Boy was I wrong, & ignorant too! Growing up, I endured emotional & physical abuse. This is what brought on the anxiety. After a while, I felt as though everyone was out to get me. I didn’t feel wanted.

I became this very angry person as I got older. I had what was called post traumatic stress disorder. I was unconsciously aware that what happened to me in my past was having an impact on my present. Suddenly, more of my past was becoming a reality, but worse. In middle school, I used to cut. I was already in pain, & oddly, I wanted to feel more. Not because I liked it, but I believed that it would make me feel better. I knew I wasn’t much of a crier, so I figured hurting myself would cause me to cry, in hopes of crying away my pain & feeling better in the end. Instead, it made it worse. I tried to end it all after that. I began going to church & building a relationship with God.

Fast forward to when I was 17. The abuse worsened. I wasn’t making good grades, wasn’t getting along with my family; nothing seemed to be going right. I ended up losing my aunt, then my grandmother the very next year, & in the midst of it all, trying to survive a new school where I didn’t fit in what so ever, along with being in a toxic relationship. This of course, worsened the depression. I tried to end it all again. I knew I needed guidance, so I went back to church to rebuild my relationship with God. The suicide was done for the time being, but the depression & anxiety still haunted me.

2011 was the worse year of my life, yet the best because I learned so much about myself. I was the most depressed I had ever been & my anxiety was through the roof! I was so busy listening to other people & how I should live my life, living through them, & just overall loving everyone else, BUT ME! I thought that loving everyone else was what I needed to do to overcome everything. I felt like if I were kind to others, the reciprocation of the good karma would come back to me in tenfold. Of course, this worsened the depression and anxiety. I was anxious about making others mad at me. I wanted everyone to be so proud of me, but because I was so wrapped up in the thoughts of making other people happy, I wasn’t focused on making myself happy. I wasn’t loving myself.

I ended things with the young man I was involved with, and wrote an angry poem about how much of a dog he was later that night. I felt divine afterwards. I have been writing since I were 7, but before this time (in 2011), I hadn’t written a thing since about 2004. I almost forgot how free writing made me feel. As time went on, I began looking for other things to make me happy. I knew I did not enjoy my mental illnesses, so I tried different things to refocus my mind & get back into the swing of things. The things that stuck the most & still exist within my life are writing of course, reading more frequently, yoga, & talking to people & not being afraid to open up.

Fast forward 2 years later in 2013. I had gotten many areas of my life together & was constantly writing. I sometimes bounced in & out of my depression, but it was nothing major. I hadn’t had a suicidal thought in a while, & aside from the everyday stressors, I was happy. I was content… & that was the problem; being too comfortable & too content. I ended up linking back up with said young man that I had been involved with since 2009. Of course, it ended again & not too well… but that time, it was for good. I had also fallen out with my bestfriend I had been friends with for 11 years. I was learning that just because you have years with a person, that does not mean that they belong in your life. Some people are for a season, but everyone is for a reason.

Since then, I have been able to identify so many strengths & weaknesses within myself. I have been able to not only find myself, but a better version of myself. I am more confident than ever before. I am happy overall. I had to go through so much (some things that I didn’t even mention) to get here. I am grateful I was able to pick up the pieces. I am able to know when something isn’t right, but also distinguish when something is so totally right.

I still do battle with anxiety & depression, but with God, writing, reading, yoga, & the wonderful people in my life, I am able to cope. Being a black woman with mental illness is not easy at all. As stated earlier, there is a myth that black people don’t have mental illnesses. They say mental illness is a “white thing,” but let me tell you something, mental illness doesn’t care if you’re black, white, Chinese, or polka dot.

Growing up, I was always taught to have tough skin. This led me to believe that I was not allowed to be sad & if I needed to talk, well, good luck. This is not to say that my family loves me any less because I know that they love me unconditionally, but by the way they were raised & the generations prior (not expressing themselves as mug through words), it made it hard for me to express myself. It made it hard to deal with my mental illnesses. I want for everyone to know that mental illness is a real thing. It is nothing to toy around with. It is nothing to fault somebody for. Have consideration for people because you just never know what a person is going through. Compliment each for other. Lift each other up. Accept people for who they are, & go on about your day.

Also, for those reading who have or are suffering with mental illness, you are not alone. No matter how alone you feel, you are not alone. If possible, seek professional help (though I do not recommend taking medication because those medicinals will worsen your illness & cause other things to go wrong). Go to church. Talk to God. Do different things that make you feel good & it is totally okay if no one agrees with your decisions that make you happy. If there’s something that isn’t serving you happiness, let it go because more than likely, it’s toxic to your well being. When you love yourself unconditionally, you will naturally attract the right things & people. I know what it’s like to feel alone. I am still a work in progress, but I have come so far.

Not speaking on mental illness within the black community will only stagger the growth within ourselves. Mental health isn’t a “white thing,” as I stated earlier. That’s that slave mentality. Mental illness is a chemical imbalance within the brain that causes you to feel & behave a certain way. We all have our problems, but we can all get through them.

I hope to have touched someone’s life with this read. I am to write for self healing in hopes of inspiring someone else to be a better them. Below is the number to the national suicide hotline. Don’t be afraid to speak out & don’t be afraid to speak up. If you’re afraid to speak to anyone else, I promise, I am all ears. I will listen, give you feedback, or whatever you need, but you are not alone.

Namaste souls.

Fill me with love.

Fill me with comfort.

Fill me with serenity.

Fill with me laughter.

Fill me with honesty.

So my cup can run over with pure joy and happiness

Because right now