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She faltered over her words never saying his name

They think he was like me they know he died too young

He was so desperate to escape his mind and the time he was in that it killed him

Before that his mother drove him there and back

She loved him the only way she could

I think she was afraid

This is our thing our thrice weekly ritual more regular than religion

The ache in my hip fades from my mind as I watch her leaning close pulling at the planes of her face to ensure perfection

First up then down

There's a hiss of breath in and for a moment I wish

I wish she didn't want to shave

I wish the wax didn't hurt

I was the lazers were closer

I wish the hair never grew at all

I wish it grew on me instead

Then she breathes out wipes the blood and the silence returns

They do not exist yet will not for many years but when I think of how she might treat small people too much like me for her comfort it makes my stomach start chewing itself

She did her best and I know that but the basic fact is that her best hurts in the bones and the stomach

Her love is a cold room

It's like in the water to me

Something so natural to us that it is impossible to separate from our collective pasts

I remember being a child floating on my back eyes open to the summer sky the water was perfectly cool and time had no meaning

I remember being a teenager floating in love lying on my back staring at the summer sky it was far too hot and time had no meaning

Brown eyes and a dramatic howl

When you stand like that

in the dark

hunched shoulders

ears back

my mother told me that I looked like a little doll

When I was seventeen

She asked why I was determined to be disgusting

Both times left me with a hollow in the pit of my stomach

You know there's medications for that

One

That's not normal, but I think this can help

Two

This should help

Three

Just take another one in the morning

Four

Take these before you eat

Five six seven

One with breakfast

Eight

Take three a day

Let the spiders and mice that find their way in find their way out again safe and warm

I speak to you ruler of puzzle pieces and hair ties

Let the children straying from the path find their way back with treasures enough to share

I pray God of small lost things

Please let my freind succeed

Please let the others be kind

Please help the nervous girl feel better

Please let the teacher not notice the smell

Please let them notice I'm here

Please let today be good

Please let them leave me alone

Please let them remember me

Please make it not hurt

My life.

It's a blur

fast and mindless. I had no plan.

like to believe

we will behave like heroes

without thought

I did try. It just wasn't possible

a straight recitation of the facts

A repetitive coward yes,and naive,

Stupid 

Smug

the plain fact of crisis

uncertain reasons

no consensus

moral confusion is always imperfect cause you can't fix your mistakes

the man Knew a place where your life exists before you've lived it

A mistake, maybe

I know it's not a happy ending

I understood that I would not do what I should

"Nothing," I said. " Wait."

“Anything” , I said 

I couldn't decide,

She told me I was special

But special is lonely

I have never met somone like me

I just want them to like me

I want somone to tell me they understand and really mean it

I want to stop everything from changing

I never want to see this town again

I want to live out of her shadow

Then a girl who tells me her problems asks me to keep a secret

And I remember

Fun in the moment

You leave me feeling dirty

Kisses turn my stomach

I want you to stop touching me

I want to stop touching you

Constant breath on my shoulder fear

Hand on my waist supress a shudder

It feels like a chore to be a good partner

I feel the love but not when I'm alone

I am happy when I'm alone

They are you did something to me

and why am I not the same

And it hurts again

And it hurts again

and secret

and am I a monster

and can anyone really love somthing like me

And why does it still hurt

And can I be the same as I was

And I promise I'm not like them I promise I'm not what they say about me

And I won't hurt you please don't hunt me

It's being so proud they chose you despite everything

It's love and admiration bordering on worship it's always living in their shadow but being fine with it because at least it's theirs

It's swallowing all their anger like a spoonful of oil because who else could love you like they do

it's knowing they bring out the best in you and you can't for them it's feeling like you are nothing without them

It's not knowing if you hate them or love them It's jealousy and first love and I would kill for you and I would die for you and please just love me

If you know me you have somthing to direct your hate towards but instead of it being this nebulous threat it's just... me

a teenage kid who loves roller skateing and spending time with their freinds

who's bad at singing but does it anyways

who has a bad haircut and sucks at makup

who collects stuffed frogs and loves animals

who gardens with their mother

who is afraid of crossing the street alone

Who hates bullies but never knows what do do about them

Who has a favorite food that changes every week

Who wishes they could make you understand

Do you see me as a person now?