Hi all, my irl bestie has kindly put together a gofundme to help with costs associated with accomodation, travel, and recovery for my top surgery in mid-august

it would mean a lot to me if you could share and donate, if possible! 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️

https://gofund.me/5ec307982

and not for lack of wanting or even trying, but simply because i genuinely have no way to impact the factors actively causing the root problems: finances, health, time, resources, etc. and it just sucks so bad. because i know i COULD be happy, it isnt impossible! but i never will be because the systems i live within are working as designed to deny me any of the resources i'd need to make that happen. it's just so unfair.

and so i bottle it up, carry on, and slowly get even worse. it's gotten to the point where i struggle to shower or wash dishes or walk to the shops just down the road, things i never used to have issue with. things like art and writing are completely off the table now, not even worth considering. ive physically wasted away so much that i cant even walk for more than five mins at a time without my leg muscles seizing up and getting out of breath. my flat is an absolute mess. i just cant bring myself to even do the bare minimum. every second im not in bed asleep is exhausting and spiritually painful.

and at the same time i know i'll never take myself out, because im a coward who's too scared of oblivion, despite saying im not, and i hate myself for it, because instead im just gonna have to languish and float through life barely surviving until i likely eventually die of a heart attack due to my poor lifestyle alone in decade or two or three.

just something about having a forced stable routine and not having to worry about a normal job and society for a little while and having the constant support (even if it is super invasive and more like surveillance)