carpe nøctem

I’ve been debating starting testosterone and getting top surgery for over a year now and I’ve driven myself pretty mad about it and now I’m in therapy about it.

not solely /that/ but for the most part

but I’m pretty sure I’m gonna start medically transitioning. I already set an appointment at planned parenthood but I’m probably gonna push it back to after my ep is done recording. I know my voice is gonna change and masculinize, which has the potential to “ruin” my voice, and I’d at least like to have a little bit of a formal record of my pre-t voice.

my voice is the biggest part of why I haven’t started testosterone. i feel like my voice is such a big part of who i am that if i weren’t able to sing anymore I don’t know what I’d do with myself. But I really can’t handle stifling myself anymore. I think it’s a risk I need to take. Or I just need to take a low dose and continuously sing and work hard to maintain my skill. I think if I’ve done it once I can do it again.

I feel like in the last year of being wrapped up in this depressive fog of trying to figure myself out, I’ve isolated myself and ended up quite lonely. and in a time where I’m emotionally and spiritually aching and need support, finding myself alone sucks. Hard.