Wanderlust

I think I need to recollect myself, from the security and comfort I retrieved. Cause what’s left is

Only uncertainty and fear

Writing as a 28-year-old feels different because I am constantly thinking and questioning whether this is something mature enough to write or just merely an emotional urge. But to give a bit of a hint…

I wish time were kind to me.

I wish time were kind to us all.

Another page is flipped today, age is reducted. I still am the lone and weak slave.

Been walking on earth in arrogance, ironic. How sometimes I take your for granted, and the other times I came back for refuge. I should have done better.

You have always been there for me since I knew nothing, up to this day, when I finally learn something, you’re still here watching. I should have known better.

I am longing for you, I wish I can meet you one day when I am ready, tho I know, I will never be ready. God is Good, God is indeed Good. Every page flipped, is beautifully written. I’ll remind me to always remember, how this yearning desire to meet you doesn’t compare to any other thing.

Today, I started my morning early. I just got the feeling that today is going to be a good day. Apparently I turned on the Air Conditioner at 22 degree Celsius non-stop, without having adequate blanket covering me the whole night, I was freezing. Thank god I had my water heater on, so showering wasn’t a big of a deal. But it was pouring quite heavily and I preferred to break through the rain, my pants and shoes were dripping wet, but I had errands to do and a meeting to catch. Yeah we all know where this leads us to, going to the office looking unpresentable. (Stumbled upon secretary ministry at the lobby, he saw me wearing sandals)

The meeting was at 10, I arrived at 09.30 after taking my sister to her office, stopping by at my other office to get some souvenirs, and looking for a good parking spot after having to move my motorcycle because the parking inspector told me to do so. A Morning of hustling and bustling, which I had predicted the night before. “Tomorrow is gonna be hectic” I knew it!

The meeting started on time, I came the earliest among other participants, I prepared the room, souvenirs, and snacks in time, I hosted the zoom, set up the sound system and screen so that the hybrid meeting went well, and true that, it ended good. I proceeded to working on other things that have been waiting in line, I have to contact people and invite them as speakers for my office’s upcoming webinar, this too, ended good. I treated myself a cup of my fav coffee and a good friend of mine bought me a batagor for lunch, so far it was smooth as silk.

Next, I had to finish drafting for ToR and Invitations for webinar today, so I did a little research on it. Even until I finally decided to write this, the work is still on hold. I’ll probably finish it tonight.

Two hours after lunch, I had to go back to my other office to sign my working contract. I was hired as a consultant for two months starting from January. It was an hour wait, so I occupied myself with another pending work, “calendar distribution”

I distributed the calendars to a working unit which supports my office in dealing with everything contractual (sound bizzare but I do not know how to describe it in better). I distributed the calendar and asked them to sign the distribution paper, I found out some names were missing on the list, but I ignored it cause I received the name from other division and printed it as it is, I can just write the missing names manually. Minutes went by, I had distributed the calendar to all the stuff but one, the head of the working unit. Finally my name was called for a contract signing, thanks god It’s finally my turn.

The people working at the aforementioned working units called my name for me to sign my working contract, the head of the working unit lectured me and gave me some feedbacks on my division. “Your division needs to visualize better. After all, it is your division whose work is to visualize and increase the popularity of our office.” I nodded my head in agreement.

I am not offended at all, it was a good feedback, and I was thinking what can be improved. He reviewed and signed my contract and then came my turn to reviewed my own contract. Before I took the time to review mine, I asked him to sign the proof of calendar distribution and handed him the calendar. He couldn’t find his name, and I showed him where he should sign his, apparently it wasn’t his name. I know it is not a big deal, but imagine, just after you’re being lectured at, you make another mistake. “How is that possible for you not to double check and make sure the distribution list, stoopid” I cursed myself in silence. It was mortifying, as I felt this shouldn’t have happened. I was in total panic, even I forgot to apologize. I was blank, mortified, failed, panic, and had to act cool in front of people I do not know, so I the best thing I think I could do at that moment was to grab my contract, and start reviewing mine.

I found typos, and asked the working unit to correct mine, though the head of the working unit had signed his part, now he needs to sign the revised version all over again. To be honest, I was quite anxious after a series of events that happened today, and they told me I can leave and come again tomorrow for contract-signing. Which means, i have to come to the office again tomorrow, meet the same people, and sign my contract. Not a whole lot, but quite emotionally draining.

The thing about the distribution list is, I had advised someone in my office to better the current staff data/ directories, as we are in urgent need of comprehensive staff data/directories. I advised them twice already, wasn’t considered serious enough until what happen today. I was devastated to the point where I have to say, “it’s okay” cause I do not want to discuss it further.

I went home, my body was feeling unwell. I checked my temperature, it was warmer than the usual. I anxiously rode my motorcycle and had to make a U turn cause I missed the intersection to my house. I wasn’t focused. I arrived home to a bunch of packages and now I have to carry it 4 floors up to my room. My hand was shaking, not sure due to the anxiety or the weight of the packages. My mind was traveling somewhere, I wasn’t present.

I wish I could sleep, turned out my brain wanted me to stay awake.

I wish I could have walked steady, but you leave me stunned and stuck, for not only seconds, minutes, or hours, but days. I tried to reflect, 3 days if you will. But the thoughts linger and and as the clock ticks, it gnaws my mind even more.

I am hurt.

And I wish I could just do my best not to be weak, yet I could not. I am disappointed, I have been keeping all this things for far way too long, yet no one doesn’t seem to understand.

Do not put your expectations high on me, cause it burdens. And once I realized I can‘t fulfill it, I will be the one leaving.

Am I too late for miracles?

As a kid, I used to think that one day I will conquer the world.

Now that I am an adult, i have to learn how to give up my dreams.

It hurt. I wish I was okay, but I was not, I am not, I will not.

17 days before the big day.

I choose to mourn today, the 10th of 2022.

I sometimes wonder, do people, at the very least, think twice before falling in love?

Do they feel the overwhelming love that it is, or do they overthink love as it should?

Why do I have to trust “me” to someone who put me second? As I believe I am not an option, and neither do I feel okay to be considered as the last resort.

Probably that was why I can‘t sleep the night before, probably my body knew what‘s coming and how it will leave such pain and worries, and countless slepless night, and again, I can‘t seem to escape. I suppose it will forever be like this.

Bloody and teary, I tried to stop it million times, and failed pathetically everytime. Probably I was born with all this, and have to bear it until the day death parts us all.

“Kalau di rumah suka ibu marahin karena bangun siang, tapi kalau mbak anggie balik ke Jakarta ternyata ibu sedih juga. Biasanya kalau ga ada Mbak Anggie atau dek Tyas, ibu suka bolak-balik ke kamar sini dan kamar ibu sambil lihatin bantal kasur, yang biasanya occupied kalau pas pada lagi libur. Tapi kalau pada balik ke rutinitas, sepi sekali bantal kasur kosong padahal kalian suka menghabiskan waktu di kamar dari matahari terbit sampai tenggelam lagi.“

Saya mendadak haru, lalu mulai memikirkan lagi apakah hubungan orang tua dan anak akan selalu seperti ini, ya. Anak dibesarkan oleh orang tua, didukung dengan materi dan dukungan psikologis, lalu saat sudah dewasa, mengejar cita-cita meskipun jauh dan harus meninggalkan orang tua yang semakin menua, menua sendirian. Sibuk dengan dunia pekerjaan hingga lupa menanyai kabar apakah ibu dan bapak sehat dan baik-baik saja. 

“ibu itu sederhana, ingin sekali hidup dengan anak-anaknya. Apakah tidak bisa ya anak-anak ibu tinggal di demak saja sama ibu, nanti punya keluarga juga di sini, kerja di dekat sini-sini saja, jadi kan ibu masih bisa sawang sinawang.”

jujur perkataan ibu membuat saya sedih, kalau dipikir-pikir saya ini sudah merantau sejak usia 15 tahun, jadi sudah terbiasa hidup jauh dari orang tua. Sudah 10 tahun hidup jauh dari orang tua dan sibuk mengurusi hidup sendiri, lalu kapan saya bisa berbakti? Mungkin hidup di dunia ini enggak melulu tentang mengejar keduniawian yang fana dan bewitching, mungkin juga tentang bagaimana kita bisa ada untuk orang-orang yang selalu ada untuk kita.

sedang berada di titik terendah dalam hidup, negativity sedand terpancar seterang terangnya. Membatasi komunikasi dengan teman biar 1. mereka engga ketularan negativity saya dan 2.menstabilkan mood.

Jujur saya ini terkadang merasa aneh sekali, ternyata setelah dipikir-pikir saya tidak terlalu banyak memiliki emotional attachment ke teman-teman lainnya. Hanya beberapa yang benar-benar dekat saja. Lalu membuat saya berfikir, terkadang kesepian itu membuat kita memiliki courage untuk reach out ke teman-teman demi sekedar nongkrong atau ngobrol, dan saling mengobati kesepian satu sama lain. Namun nyatanya saat ada teman yang mau masuk ke kehidupan yang lebih personal, kebanyakan dari kita malah membentengi diri.