pluto pastel

It has taken me years to get into this frame of mind when self loathing isn't at the front of my mind 24/7, where my weight and body image don't cause me to go without food for days and when, for once, the face in the mirror is smiling back at me without force. Recently I have been feeling more and more worthless as if there is no place for me anywhere. That maybe if I was prettier, skinnier, had nicer teeth, longer hair that maybe people would desire to be with me more. I long for the days when I felt cold in the sun, where my bones were the first thing someone noticed and not the layer of fat surrounding them. When I'd stand up feeling dizzy, euphoric from the lack of nutrients in my body and the scales showed me numbers that I wanted to see. I know this is only a glamourised image of how things used to be and in reality none of these things are healthy, or felt any good. But I am disappointed in myself, I have let myself go. Uncontrolled eating, exercising weekly instead of daily and a lack of willpower to control these things that used to be second nature to me.

It's been a hard week, had the loveliest Saturday celebrating my one year with my boyfriend but it's gone downhill rapidly from there. Had the biggest fight and it feels like I'm all the way back at square one.