brain full of eevees

Welcome!!

Hello there! We'll keep the intro short, but this blog is pretty much a personal online diary to share our experiences as we figure out our plurality. We all like to draw, so we'll be attempting to make diary comics in our free time!

Please keep in mind we are in no way an authority on DID/OSDD/anything really, we're still deep in the throes of denial/acceptance and after a year of debating we finally decided to just embrace the possibility- we're very new to all of this! Thank you for joining us on our little adventure ♡

🔮 Who has existed the longest?

Honestly I really don't know! Because of our weird half-shared memories it's hard to tell, but I have a lot of attachment to middle school and early high school with less memory of late high school (post the incident). Everyone's memories of early childhood are spotty, we can name core traumas that we know happened but most of us can't actually remember them- Espy might? I'm pretty confident that Jolt and I split from each other in sophomore/junior year (cue, the incident). The resident little is a whole other thing, they're less of their own person and sometimes a regression of me? We're still figuring that out!!

It feels more rapid, and I can't really have control over it and the other guys aren't always the most social people in the world so...

Of course prefacing this with this is just my experience, we're still all very new to this and there's a spectrum!

Honestly we don't really have any control over who fronts when! It's all subconscious and often affected by outside influences, for example today was one of those rare sudden switches where Jolt was literally half asleep at the wheel, getting head-achey, put on my favorite music in an attempt to wake himself up, and I suddenly swapped in- it felt like I kinda just got zapped in and oh hell yeah my favorite music is playing and I'm wide awake. Most times it's slow, like when I was panicking over being late for dinner and there was a gradual fade from me to Jolt. I can remember bits and pieces from after Jolty fully switched in, but I don't feel any emotional connection to them, and they're all from the third person and kind of blurry visually. I know we went to dinner, sat outside on a balcony, ate poke, but it feels like I'm just being told what happened by someone else.

When we do switch, we take careful note of little details to figure out who's who. Usually we go through gender (clothing taste, tone of voice, level of dysphoria with our afab body), general attitude, what food we'd eat (ex I hate dried mango while Jolty keeps some in the car to snack on), driving styles (Umbre speeds...), music taste, lots of small things! And for most people variations of these would be normal, but with us each variation in answers would be grouped together- Umbre always listens to sonic youth and always speaks in a blunt, low voice to reflect him being masc, I love flavor foley and wearing colorful clothes and speak in a higher register, Espy speaks mid-lower but is more melodic and feminine in tone. Gender is really a big thing, we just thought we might be genderfluid at first before realizing that each gender comes with a completely different set of likes and dislikes.

When it comes to co-fronting, it typically only happens with certain alters. I co-front with Aeri a lot, mostly to help her draw! What it mostly feels/looks like from my end is me hovering over her shoulder to watch what she's drawing and give advice. However the rest of us don't really front together? Sometimes we'll interject into each other's thoughts, or have short conversations, but as of right now our communication is really spotty. Espy is often around in the background, it feels like she lingers on the edge of our mind and sometimes speaks up when she notices something. Jolty will often kind of float in and be all doubtful about whatever the current fronter is doing ("I wouldn't say that... why am I saying that this is all fake..." yeah no way it's like the disorder is disordering), I'm probably the loudest but I'm just like that in general, I will sometimes butt in when I'm excited and yell in our mind about something before fading away again. When I'm not in front, I don't really go anywhere else? I just kind of cease to exist, or almost "sleep."

Another rare example of us fully co-fronting was when Absol fronted for the first time, I think Jolt was fronting at the time but basically Absol sent a bunch of messages in our chat and Jolty watched but didn't have any real control of our hands typing. And as a side note, describing this right now I kind of feel that little Jolt floating in my mind half-heartedly describing what happened to me, like I'm transcribing for a sad ghost... he honestly reminds me of napstablook sometimes (off topic hbsdfhbfdshbdfs).

Growing up for a period of a few years I had the voice of a side character from my favorite books series stuck in my head. I did NOT like her and found her really annoying I did not want her there but I had no control over her.

I was really obsessed with researching DID "for fun" in middle school. I don't remember much of it myself it was probably Espy (she seems to have the most memories of middle-highschool ages), but I know it was a solid year at LEAST of spending all our free time researching it. For "fun".

Sometimes when I get really into a piece of media I find myself involuntarily acting like the characters for an unknown amount of time. I don't remember these periods of time very well, they tend to be temporary, it might also be a general masking thing, but it also seems like the general attitudes correspond with different alters. Ex. After watching TSHD I was informed by my partners that I was acting really unsettling and deadpan and scary (how Espy tends to talk). My theory is that we'd subconsciously use the excuse of "oh I just watched this show" to unmask a little.

I don't remember anything ever except when I do. A lot of my "memories" are inaccessible until someone else brings up something I supposedly did and then it feels like whatever I do remember is being explained to me inside my brain or played like a pirated movie on a shitty old iPad screen with brightness all the way down under the covers.

My art style isn't necessarily inconsistent but sometimes I just wouldn't feel like it anymore. Ex. I love drawing with zero anti aliasing on! Umbreon does not and prefers thin lines and a more anime style. Aeri likes to paint but she rarely does and usually I co-front when she does decide to draw. We still generally keep to my style for consistency/ease but some of us enjoy it more than others.

Wildly varying levels of dysphoria. At first I thought I might just be genderfluid but that didn't really explain why each aspect of my gender had a different personality attached and why in these moments "I" would feel like I could never be another gender. (Difficult to word but I hope that made sense)

NEVER getting anywhere in therapy. By the time I got there I'd just. Forget what I was so worked up about. Even when writing it down I'd look back and go "that's not a big deal at all why did I ever care." Emotional amnesia went crazy with that.