P A R A D O X

it’s been about a year and a half but sometimes i catch myself thinking about how surreal being with ariff is. like a few days ago when i was walking close next to him staring at his profile and thinking about how i haven’t seen him with this much facial hair in a long time (what with reservist and job interviews over the last couple of months). i was so close i could smell his shampoo and see stray hairs on his cheek. this morning i woke up earlier than he did, my head over his stretched arm and turned towards him. his soft unwaxed hair over his eyes and his lips slightly parted leaving a tiny drool stain on my pillow (ugh........). it’s things like these that 1.5 years ago i’d never thought i’d ever experience when i went to almost all of his shows for about two years not because i thought i had a chance or whatever (i never thought i did) but i genuinely was a big fan of his music and all throughout that time we’ve never spoken to each other save for a few passing smiles and i remember giving him a small wave at deafheaven in may 2014 when paris came out for a smoke break before their set. i thought he was so talented and i remember listening to his music in a hotel room in taiwan. the first time we talked however, we ran into each other on a flight of stairs and i asked him a question and i got a soft three-word answer along before he trudged off which left me perplexed and frankly quite annoyed because he maintained zero eye contact. i never really thought much of that encounter but somehow it’s ingrained.