long & lost

                                                             I FEAR NO EVIL

                                                       THE SHADOW IS MINE

                                                      AND SO IS THE VALLEY

The slump and the nod were enough to get the man walking again. He wasn’t moving very quickly, half the mind that if he pushed on at a too quick pace that he might wind up caring for a few more scraped knees and elbows. When he was certain Coraline was following him, the man allowed his gaze to remain forward. She didn’t seem the most comfortable with it on her, and he certainly wasn’t looking to open himself up any to the Avery woman.

“What made today special then?” The man asked with a lifted brow. His feet led him onward, trudging back into the side of town where he was far from welcome. Doc’s feet still knew the way, but his mind was screaming at him to turn around. He didn’t belong there anymore, and going back was much like walking into a lion’s den. If Coraline hadn’t been so obviously intoxicated, he might of thought it to be some sick coercion to get him back into enemy lines where he could be dealt with properly after all these years. He let out a sigh, exhaling his discomfort the best he could as he trudged forward. 

“Since I’m going to assume you won’t remember this or care enough about those wound to go get a salve yourself, I’ll send one via owl.” He offered curtly, making it seem like was all just about doing his job.

coraline kept her eyes towards the sky as they walked. she lagged behind a few paces, but didn’t want to be walking side by side with the dearborn man. that seemed too friendly of a thing. so she stayed silent she followed him. she really wasn’t thinking of any consequences about being walked home by caradoc -- it wasn’t as if she cared much for her reputation to begin with. 

her eyes fell onto his back when he asked his question. opening her mouth as if to say something, she quickly shut it. she didn’t know who he was, really, they had never been friends -- even if he came from a pureblood family and had once been involved in their close knit circles. “don’t ask stupid questions when you don’t actually care.” she hissed at him, glaring at his back before turning her eyes up to the sky again. “besides, you’ve probably heard all about the crazy avery’s, so im sure you can piece together why i might want to get as far away as i could.” never seemed to get far enough, though. she was always too scared to leave. 

she shrugged her shoulders, hugging herself and wishing that she had a drink in her hand. “don’t do that.” she at once, demanded, glaring at the sky this time. “christopher will probably have a cow and my parents would most likely go snitching to your own and causing a mess, only after lecturing me to death.” she left the part out where her own mother would probably slap her silly about it. 

Alecto shrugged, clearly not sorry that she’d never brought it up before. “It’s not like we have tea every Saturday to discuss what’s gone on in the other’s week.” They’d only started speaking again in the last month or two, and it clearly wasn’t going very well. Besides, Alecto didn’t believe that Coraline would be willing to give up the good memories of her siblings to erase the bad ones. If roles were reversed, Alecto would rather suffer in the loss of Amycus rather than forget he’d ever existed with her.

“Because every day isn’t meant to be that hard, Coraline. What’s the fucking point if all you can do is suffer through the entire day only to start over again? Tell me why it’s not foolish to continue that pattern if you don’t have the hope that one day it will get better? It just sounds like you’re trying to torture yourself.” She hissed back. Now, Alecto could feel the anger boiling off the other as she took a breath. So, they’d transitioned out of somber sadness into fiery rage that had been burning for years now. “You have Walden. Nott hasn’t forced you to talk down the damn aisle yet. Those are good things.” She said in exhaustion, knowing they weren’t truly good things.

Then, Coraline uttered a statement that shut Alecto up for a solid minute. She started at the other, shocked that she’d thrown the reason for her fleeing right back into her face. Alecto hadn’t been certain that Coraline had realized that it was Alecto that couldn’t handle the grief in the other girl. “Yeah, I did.” The words were cold and hollow. There was no use dressing them up with glittering tones or fancy presentations to make the blow easier. Coraline wanted the truth, and that was it. Alecto had chosen comfort over discomfort, and it had cost her the other woman. She lost a friend so that she could live her days without the constant reminder of what could be taken away from her in a moment’s notice.

“I left so I could take care of myself and Amycus, Coraline. You have always known that I would chose him and myself over you or anyone else. It wasn’t something I hid from you. So, I don’t understand why you act as though it came out of the blue.” She was trying to hurt the other now; Alecto needed Coraline to back off before actual reason took away the security that her mind had crafted to protect her from how wrong her choice had been.  “I couldn’t save you, but I could save myself. So, I chose that. I chose to live rather than letting myself wither alongside you.” She finished her glass, pushing it away as she clasped the side of her head with annoyance. Alecto was too drunk to apparate, and now, she was faced with the prospect of walking home.

coraline really wondered how she came to be in this position. talking with alecto carrow again, as if maybe they still had a shred of their old relationship. it almost made her want to laugh and also cry. it seemed she was cursed, to forever be haunted by the past. she let herself be haunted, too. as if she would even try to move forward. it was hard to do anything, with her sibling’s death hung over her head and her old relationships sparking and fizzling out with every conversation. (she did most of this to herself, though. angry, fire-hearted girl.)

the poor thing, she didn’t really know how to move on. she wasn’t ever really taught in that aspect of life. her parents glossed it all over, and never bothered to help their eldest daughter with her grief and suffering. they only seemingly made it worse for it. she felt as if this grief was the only thing left of her siblings to hold onto. yes, she had walden -- and sometimes christopher when he didn’t feel like tormenting her, but they didn’t exactly make her happy. 

she wasn’t surprised with all that alecto dished out, but it still stung a little. still, years later and she can still hurt and be hurt by the carrow woman. “i didn’t want you to save me!” coraline yelled, causing some onlookers. “i didn’t want you to save me. i didn’t need you to be my hero. i just wanted you to be my friend.” she says. “i just wanted you to tell me it’ll be okay. i didn’t need you to save me.” coraline had never asked for anyone to come in and swoop her out of her darkness. she just didn’t want to be alone. 

of course, coraline had never meant to drag anyone down with her. well, maybe she did just a little bit. if only to not be so alone in her own darkness. still, she didn’t need anyone to play the hero part. her hands balled into fists, she tears her gaze away from alecto. “i didn’t mean to drag you down with me. do you think i wanted to do that?” she hisses, crossing her arms and her shoulders curling inwards. 

     Rapid half-dizzy blinks answered the question, tossed out in the air with the same force as if perhaps Coraline may have reached out across the room to physically strike him. “How can you ask me that?” The stone-still resolve he holstered melted away, legs pushing him up from the desk to stand because his sheer shock forced him to move thusly. Walden would not attempt to amend the accusations tossed at Alecto, they weren’t entirely untrue– nor was it his place to even think on garnishing any sliver of understanding for why the Carrow woman chose to do so. 

Nott. His jaw set, shaking his head “– bloody hell. Core, nothing legitimate ever comes out of that man’s mouth.” It was a biased claim, one based on years of a budding family rivalry that no one seemed to recall how had even begun. “Why would I? Why now? I have been in contact with Alecto, as well as you, simultaneously for years now.” Exasperation lingered in his tone, volume rising up to fill the study with its stern resilience. 

Watching her crumble upon his floor momentarily translated into seeing red, half convinced that Coraline would not be having this big of a meltdown if Nott had not maliciously provoked it. Fingers curled into fists at his side, nails digging into his palms. Desperately trying to reign his tone in, to sound more reassuring and less enraged. “Coraline, my mother has been having a heart attack over me allowing an engaged woman into my estate since who recalls when now. If I have been bold enough to defy my mother’s wishes regarding my behavior, show up to regularly claim you from your home even – spurring rumors, then why would a trip with Alecto suddenly unravel everything?” The Macnair heir did not have the heart to tell her, to admit just how close he was with the woman in question. 

“You are practically family, I would–” his head tilted side to side in exasperation “part of my decision to marry will very likely be based on whether or not the individual would be tolerating of you still having a room in my home.” A hefty thing to ask of a woman, he knew, and thus it dwindled the list of candidates available to a harrowing degree. 

if it hadn’t been for nott, coraline probably wouldn’t have wound up so upset. still, she would have been some upset -- she always was -- but nott knew how to get under her skin. he knew what to say and what to do to push her into exploding and crumbling. how he had gotten so good at it, she’d never know. it was as if he enjoyed torturing her -- seeing her shake with fury and the fire in her eyes. to see her spill into tears and scream and scream and scream. 

she tries to calm the raging storm inside herself as she takes in walden’s words. coraline hugs herself, closing her eyes and trying to believe what he says. it was true, and the macnairs had always been so gracious to her. “things can unravel so quickly, sometimes.” she murmurs, sniffling and untangling herself to look up at her best friend in the entire world. “i have lost so much--” she chokes, hugging herself tighter. “i am terrified of losing anything-- anyone.” 

she feels as if she could cry again at hearing him calling her family. he was her farmily too, and probably the only one who truly cared about her. it wasn’t as if her two awful parents loved her or cared for her wellbeing but walden did. he was like a brother, and if she were anyone else she would have fallen into his arms and hugged him incredibly tight. instead, she could only stare up at him with tears and reverence in her eyes. 

“truly?” she whispers, blinking up at him. she hadn’t even thought about that, him marrying someone -- not being allowed here. she took it all for granted at times, never appreciated it like she should. 

“They hurt me every fucking day.” Alecto spat back. She didn’t need to tell Coraline what memories could do to a person. The woman was a walking example of how they could shatter someone’s soul. “But the difference between you and I? I’ll never get any other memories with them. They’re always going to be the people that broke me into a thousand pieces. You…as crazy or far-fetched as it might be, still have a chance to make peace. Things could be different in the future. It won’t be that way for Amycus and I.” Fingers clasped around her glass as she shook her head. Redemption and forgiveness had been ripped a way from her before Alecto had known how precious they were.

Coraline was one of the worst alcoholics that Alecto had ever seen for someone their age. It wasn’t the sheer quantity that worried her, but the amount of time the woman spent under its influence. Was there anything left of the girl she was knew, or had the alcohol eroded all of the best parts of her away with its burn? “Everything?” She inquired, uncertain that that was entirely true. Being angry at everyone and everything maybe, but you couldn’t hate everyone. It was nearly impossible, even the coldest hearts had weak spots. “You know, I’ve heard rumors of people taking memories away with spells. I don’t…I don’t think that alternative is a good one. We remember because we haven’t worked through the pain. Even when we have, it serves as a reminder of where we’ve come from. It won’t ever go away.”

“So, you have to decide if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life. You want to be a shell that can’t tackle the day without being drunk? If you can live with that, go right ahead, but I knew you. You’re better than this. One day, it’ll hurt just a little less, and when that day comes, you’re gonna have to start fighting.” Alecto muttered, feeling like she was digging into her heart for advice that would fall upon deaf ears. She downed her drink, sliding the empty glass across the table to be refilled yet again. Maybe more alcohol would help ease the guilt she was already trying to suppress with words. 

coraline took in her words, even with how much bite there was behind. if alecto was saying this sort of advice, she knew to listen. “peace.” she says it, as if it is foreign to her. she had not felt that in a long time, her life full of chaos -- driven by her, mostly. she took to holding onto alecto’s words, even if she hadn’t changed her mind on the topic much. maybe, later down the line her ex-friend’s voice will pop in to remind her. 

everything? -- not walden, not you, not really. she only gave a nod, hitting a nice buzz just as she ordered another drink. her eyes lit up at alecto’s admission, and she could have fallen out of her seat. too have her memories taken away? how free would she feel, how the ghosts would not haunt her anymore. yet, she recoiled a second later at the thought of forgetting her siblings -- at never remembering their faces. never getting back at the killer and getting revenge and justice once and for all. 

she grit her teeth, closing her eyes as she tried to calm herself down from dwindling into obsessive thoughts about finding the killer. “i do not like to remember and yet i can’t forget.” coraline turns her face towards alecto, resting her head in her hand. she was a little surprised with how much this conversation turned into one of her changing her ways. the alcohol was starting to get her, that anger beginning to start inside.

“how nice of you to tell me this now, after years.” she drawls out, venom behind it. “i walk life and feel as if i carry ghosts.” coraline spits out. “i feel haunted by that, that -- that night.” she rubs at her face, the memory becoming clear in her mind as she brings it up. “it breaks me every time.” she mutters, just resting her head in both her hands now. 

“what’s wrong with just getting through the fucking day?” she questions, turning her eyes unto the other woman. “i wake up and it hurts every damn day, and has yet to subside. not as if anything good has ever happened in my life ever since.” she hisses back, anger starting to overtake her now. it felt familiar, felt like safety unlike what all this was. “you knew me? you knew me? knew me too much you had to leave me?!” coraline didn’t mean to get so heated, and the thing just slipped from her mouth. 

“Uh,”

          Peter rubbed the back of his neck. Caroline was an intimidating enough of a figure that he almost wanted to take his offer back. “Yy-you don’t look like you ddd-” He frowned, his nervousness manifesting itself in a way that he couldn’t hide. Peter shoved his hands into his pockets, looking down toward the ground and taking a moment for himself. “— don’t want a chocolate frog.” He finished. Although it was not Caroline alone that made him nervous. The whole idea of a war had him on edge. The conflict alone made him question the choices that he had made. As the Pettigrew boy swayed closer to the blurred black edges, closer to the Death Eater’s cause. He felt something vital to his personhood slip through his fingers so easily. 

        He nodded. “I can offer that.” Peter replied. Drinking was never his vice of choice, but he understood how it might console others. He was a man who enjoyed a nice pot roast, or a chocolate frog when the world became rough around the edges. Although as the worry grew so did his lack of appetite. Which was partially why he was headed to Honeydukes. He knew that she didn’t care about any of that though. “I can buy you a drink.” Peter said, walking toward her. 

coraline couldn’t help the snort that came out as he stuttered. she always knew she was intimidating but never quite so much as alecto or bellatrix was. she was just an angry woman but she didn’t pose much threat after that. unless, she was incredibly intoxicated -- then maybe, she’d think about pulling out her wand and slurring out any sort of threats that made their way through her muddled brain. 

she was a death eater, and yet, she hadn’t been that active in all that was going on. rather, she was drowning herself in alcohol and stumbling through the streets trying to rid herself of her terrible memories and past. an eyebrow raised as he said he’d buy her a drink, and she shrugged her shoulders. coraline hadn’t ever spent much time with peter -- besides the formal dinners and death eater meetings (if she even bothered going. sometimes christopher dragging her out to these events.) 

she turned around, not bothering to look if he would follow her as she made her way to the leaky cauldron. strolling through the pub, she went straight to the counter to take a seat and order a drink. “he’s paying.” she points to pettigrew. 

“he’s gonna have one hefty bill.” the bartender eyes them both, having been familiar with coraline and how much she drank. 

He wanted to shush her, to tell her to stop complaining because he was already half way done but if he got her arguing, he may very well not be able to get her to stop. Fingers parsed through his hair as he stood up when the wounds were clean and arched a brow at her cursing. “It’d done. You can relax now.” His wand was put away, and he took a half step back to show her that he’d respect her desire not to be touched.

Caradoc ran his fingers over the stubble that had come to inhabit his features in the last few days. He brushed over the skin a few times as he watched her seemingly vacate her body. Chocolate orbs stilled, sighing as he lifted his hand in the opposite direction. “Well, it’s that way unless you’re dead set on walking into the ashes of Hogsmeade.” He explained before taking in a rather tedious breath as he prepared himself to step on his pride and offer to get her home safely. “Do I need to show you the way?”

as caradoc did his magic, coraline couldn’t help feeling restless. she wanted to pull away, and quickly did once he was finished. she held her hands to her chest, and seemed to fold in on herself -- making her smaller. she felt both angry and pathetic for everything, her whole life. as she eyed the man and then looked down the direction that he pointed out. 

she felt defeated now, her shoulders slumping and she just let out a nod as she waited for him to show her the way. her addled brain couldn’t think up directions, only engulfing her in her turmoil. her mind was heavy, and she carried the ghosts of the past. if coraline hadn’t been so drunk, she may have worried what it would look like being with caradoc dearborn but she was pretty plastered and didn’t care. it’s not as if she cared much for her reputation to begin with. people already gossiped and judged her already. 

“i usually don’t walk out this far.” she admitted, her voice quiet as her eyes turned down to the pavement. 

   Alecto had tried to reason with him, tried to sway Walden to a mindset that the blame would come to fall upon the Carrow woman’s shoulders not his own. Stubbornly, he disagreed, and a part of the Macnair heir had expected the choice to land him in the eye of the storm that was now whipping its winds through his manor. 

The name had not needed to be uttered, Walden knowing immediately the ‘her’ that had been spat out at him. If it had just been rage, if he had not been able to hear the crack of a deeper emotion in Coraline’s tone, than perhaps he could have endured in a more cavalier manner. Instead, there was a slight whisper of guilt tugging at whatever heartstrings he might possess. “Coraline,” when had he learned to say her name like it was a yield sign? “You have known that I did not cut off ties with her.” For a moment, he too avoided saying Alecto’s name if only to try and keep from too-bluntly delivering a blow to Core’s ego. 

“I thought the least I could do was be upfront with you. A far worse scenario would be you coming here, as you have now, to find the estate empty beside its grounds keepers and me out of the country with Alecto.” Thus, his letter, not to rub anything in but to warn her. 

In the moment, his tone was still calm– still perched placidly in his chair. Only adjusting to slowly close and set aside the text that previously held his attention. 

coraline hadn’t received his letter first, and unfortunately, it had been christopher who had let his eyes wander the words before coming to torment her. it seemed he enjoyed doing that at times, rubbing salt into her wounds and causing the volcano to erupt. “i was wondering when he’d take leave of you.” christohper had told her, a small smirk playing at the corners of his mouth. “not surprising. even i can barely stand to be around you for more than a few hours.” he’d tell her, his voice cold and she’s frozen as his words echo through her head. “it’s only the beginning, core. you always knew it would have to end sometime. all your good at is pushing people away.” never had she felt so unlovable and worthless when christopher stared at her with his eyes alight with darkness. 

her face is full of anger and sorrow and tears are welling up in her eyes as she stares at the man in front of her. the man who had stayed with her this long. “are you going to leave like she did?” she’s bold, throwing it right out there into the open. “throw me away like, like garbage -- as she did?” her voice is so shrill and cracked and desperate. the tears are threatening to spill. she’s never been anything but dramatic and chaos and a mess. 

her hands shake as she takes a breath, trying to steady herself but she is unsteady. “christopher said--” she sniffles out, the tears finally pouring forth and she’s putting her head into her hands. she feels so vulnerable and pathetic, but she doesn’t want to be alone. if there is anything in this world, she doesn’t want to be by herself. 

“--i don’t--” she’s choking as the sobs start to come, letting her knees buckle from under and she crumples to his study floor as she rubs at her eyes trying to stop the tears. “--my only friend.” coraline finally says, breathes it into existence and she’s crying harder now. he was her only and dearest friend, and to be part from him felt as if would be too much for her. 

although, she wasn’t going to beg for him to not leave her. she felt her throat tighten and her heart was beating so fast. she didn’t think she’d be able to handle losing another person. hadn’t she lost so much already? 

viii.  i dreamt last night of a sign that read, “the end of love”.

coraline glances towards the floor, memories of that doomed day replaying in her head. she can see it so vividly, so clearly as if she could be back there again. to witness it all again, to sit in the blood and hold her brother’s body — unmoving with her face pale and hands shaking.

if only she hadn’t left them. she had only been gone for an hour, and by the time she had come back everything was ruined. coraline had only gone out to hang out with amycus at the time. now, it’s one of her biggest regrets. 

“i shouldn’t have left.” she states, hands balling into fists. “if i would have just stayed for a little longer — maybe —“ coraline had dwelled on it for a long time. the what if’s, and maybes and all the different outcomes that could’ve happened if she hadn’t left their house. “i shouldn’t have left them.” she whispers, eyes starting to fill with tears but anger in her eyes.

a never ending anger and a bit of guilt too. always stayed with her, always followed her. the ghosts of the past walk with her wherever she goes. the memories stain her life. she is full of rage, full of sorrow, cracking at every seam and internally screaming for the ones she lost that day.

vii. i’m afraid of change, guess that’s why we stay the same.

coraline’s face contorts into anger, but then shifts into sadness. “it fucking infuriates me.” she growls out, hands balling into fists. it makes her angry and worried — will walden take leave of her to be with alecto? would she be left alone? “i don’t want-“ him to leave me. she bites her tongue before the rest can come out.

walden macnair was her best and only friend, even family. she won’t say that, but it is true. it is hard to imagine her life without him around. she doesn’t want to feel like she needs anyone but she would be desperate if he were to leave. she already feels that pathetic desperation tightening on her heart knowing that they have gone away together once now.

i don’t want to lose him. i don’t want to lose him to alecto. i don’t want to be alone. he means a lot to me. shut up, shut up. her mind swirls and she rubs at her face — trying to pull herself out of it. “it makes me so fucking mad.” she hissed again, her voice a little high an shrill. “out of all the people — her!”

vi. hold onto each other. hold onto each other

coraline shrugs, staring at her hands as she tries to get her thoughts into order. there were so many – how alecto hurt her, how everything ended, how they talk now and sometimes it seemed like… something. she didn’t want to read into anything, didn’t even know if alecto had much feelings left for coraline but she knew her own feelings towards the carrow woman.

she missed her. they had been best friends, and it was hard to let go of that. she was a lonely person, deep down, who still wanted to have her old friends around. coraline would never exactly admit it to anyone, though. nor would she ever really tell her feelings and thoughts to alecto.

“i don’t know.” she mumbles. “it’s – it sort of hurts,” it tumbles out of her mouth before she can stop it. “hurts and, and makes me miss her more but also gives me comfort?” coraline didn’t mean to get so worked up over this stuff, but tonight was just one of those tear filled nights. usually, she was quick to anger but tonight she couldn’t help but be filled with sorrow for everything. “i don’t want to talk about it, anymore.” she sniffles, turning her face away and curling in on herself.

v. keep my love close to yours. we’ll lay down again, once more. when i get back again.

coraline didn’t hesitate to say, “walden.” although, she wished it hadn’t come flying out of her mouth so quickly. she wouldn’t want anything to happen to the macnair heir, though. he was her dearest friend (although, she loathe to admit), and the only person who has really stuck around her. there was no doubt that he would be the first on her list that she would want to keep safe from the war. “if i could, it’d be walden.” 

there were others, too, but she didn’t know if she could utter them. alecto and amycus, the carrow twins – she may wish to see them go unharmed. she didn’t think they would need any protecting from her, though. they were two cyclones that would destroy anything in their path. “there’s some others, but–” she pauses, “it’s whatever.” with a shrug, she went silent.

(christopher came to mind as well, but she didn’t want to dwell on him too long. if there was anyone that she knew that might deserve death, it would probably be him. if he weren’t the devil, himself, already.)

iv. the lessons are so much less obvious the further you get from home

coraline taps her leg, seemingly impatient and annoyed. if she were to die some day, staring down someone’s wand – she can’t muster up any sort of will to be afraid. if she were afraid to die, wouldn’t she have not asked others to kill her in the first place? she has of yet, to find someone that would be willing to carry it out. even christopher wouldn’t do it no matter how much she pleaded with him. 

“no.” she scoffs, shaking her head. it was a stupid question, to her. “i wouldn’t be asking if i was fucking was scared, right?” hissing, she crossed her arms against her chest. she curled in on herself, her face falling into a bored expression but sadness tinged her eyes. “i just want to see my family again, is that too much to ask for?” 

it sort of was. in this life, they were no more and so she would never see them again except for their names on a gravestone. and no one knows what happens in the afterlife, but she is set that she would see her brothers and little sister once again.

iii. i suppose someday these roads will reach the sea. it’s safe to say they’re tailor-made for replaying scenes, but I’m too pensive to decide what’s real. all cause you left me with a heart chock-full of chills

her eyes alight with anger, her mouth turning into a thin line. bellatrix seemed to have no qualms about throwing coraline away, as if their friendship had meant nothing. all those years together, all meant nothing. they hadn’t meant nothing to coraline, they were some of her happiest times. bellatrix and alecto had been her bestest friends once upon a time – did bellatrix see it all differently?

now, the eldest black sister was nothing but rude to her. mean and nasty, as if they hadn’t the soft history that they did. as if coraline hadn’t relayed all her lifetime of feelings and secrets to the woman when they were young. the bellatrix now – was one that coraline didn’t know. she didn’t want to know her anymore, but that doesn’t mean she didn’t miss bellatrix.

“i wish i could say no.” she spits this out, “how i want to say no.” she hisses, bitter and angry and oh so heart broken. 

ii. the hope that hides inside the cloud, returns to me when she is there.

coraline bites at her lip, thumbs twirling around each other in her lap as she thinks about it. about everything that came before and in between. about everything that came at the end and all that still comes about in the here and now. she can always picture the carrow woman so easily. 

hadn’t alecto been the one to put such a smile on her face, once upon a time? yet, that same person had been the one to shoot another arrow to her heart. another heartache to add to the bunch – hadn’t she had enough? yet, her heart still longed for the once friend. for the woman that had once held her, that had been her confident whispering all her secrets and sorrows to, the woman that had been the source of warmth in her life. 

“i…” she stumbles over her words, doesn’t know how to put her thoughts into cohesive sentences. “things are all fucking complicated.” coraline says, biting the inside of her cheek. “i just know that my life has been really fucking terrible since.” she confesses. “i… i miss… a lot.” coraline feels as if she is tumbling, falling and everything hurts. “i want to be.” she finally chokes out, tears welling up in her eyes.