I’m Cooler On Twitter

for anyone wondering, yes there are two different ways to read this meme

moms be like “call me if you need me” and then leave their phone on the other side of the house charging the entire day

my mom left a voicemail saying to call her back and turned her phone off

not to be controversial but respect trans women or die by my sword

and my bow

And my axe

Have we discussed how squidwards pussy is so next level it farts every time he takes a step?

and the other one! h

homest

Honestly the biggest disappointment I had researching ABC was that medieval authors did not, in fact, see the creatures they were describing and were trying their best to describe them with their limited knowledge while going “what the fuck… what the fuck…”

Instead all those creatures you know came about from transcription and translation errors from copying Greco-Roman sources (who themselves got them from travelers’ tales from Persia and India - rhino -> unicorn, tiger -> manticore, python -> dragon, and so on).

So unicorns are real

I always thought animals in medieval manuscripts looked like the result of having to draw say. A Tree Kangaroo, but your only source for what it looked like was your friend who heard it from a fellow who knows a man who swears he saw one once, whilst very drunk and lost, and I am SO PLEASED  to find out this is, in fact, the case.

I think my favorite jokes are the ones that weren’t even all that funny until I was an adult, and now they’re fucking hilarious. I’m not even talking about the dirty jokes. I’m talking about in Finding Nemo where the sharks are having fucking AA for fish eating. Remember that shit? “I am a nice shark, not a mindless eating machine. If I am to change this image, I must first change myself.” Who ever thought of that? That was brilliant. Or what about that time in Shrek 2 where Shrek and Donkey infiltrate the castle pretending to be union workers? Little me didn’t give a shit about unions but big me is remembering Shrek going “It’s okay buddy, we’re from the union” and the desk worker secretively “we don’t even have dental,” and Shrek just shakes his head and looks at Donkey like he can’t believe this shit and goes, “They don’t even have dental.” What the fuck. I’m dying of laughter. Who comes up with this shit.

Dirty jokes have their place but I kind of wish more “adult” jokes relied on “Things only adults would understand due to lack of life experience,” instead of “Things that are inappropriate for kids,”

omfg

slam me in that Showert Deluxe… get me an omniwash™

this is a carwash for people

I hear if you turn them all on at once you can use the water pressure to glitch past the boss room

You fucker

I can’t see him but I just feel his energy

I can feel the aura and I know exactly who it is you ass

This is 1000x more terrifying than any dream I will ever encounter.

sharpay was right: this is not what i want. this is not what i planned. and i just gotta say. i Do Not understand