play-the-game

be there for myself in the breath of others.

others i love.

others I care for.

last year,

i fought for my voice so much,

found peace in myself,

to feel my own blood pump, finally.

now i feel im letting others down,

in not having the balance,

because i let myself finally feel,

saw a lot of homies.

im comfortable in these spaces again.

im comfortable being an age that hugs

and also stays for 30 minutes and leaves.

I needed it.

been a time.

had 2 grandmas in the hospital in 24 hours.

my grandpa’s dying.

my other grandma ain’t the best.

It’s the holiday weekend.

I’m DJing and feel inspired.

I finally was able to get some decent sleep.

If only for one or two nights,

Stress off the shoulder.

in a forest, in a cabin, not so far from a town.

somewhere where it snows but it’s warm that day.

myself and one of my siblings.

and the person who reminded to me to trust it

said it months ago with weight behind it.

I prayed I was wrong.

they said what I felt then.

having a large family

and loving and being loved,

means you learn and hold.

I may lose two family members this year.

and outside of being there the best I can,

all I can think about it standing tall,

so that my [redacted] family member,

at a detriment to even my own happiness,

because feeling it is a lot better than when I didn’t.

I haven’t had it in me to be seen much lately.

people keep, in their best intentions,

know me well enough to know me,

that I don’t get to be part of knowing me, most times.

I just want a week of not having to be more than me,

and needing or expecting to do anything but

today felt like rain.

today just felt real.