platypuss

so, it’s been a while.

i know i owe you guys a lot.  i’m not in a place to provide jokes and regular updates but i’d like to fill you in when i can.

cricket is a very active and independent two-year-old.  she is ridiculously smart and much more well-mannered than the terrible twos had me believe.  we talk about her mama and sink drain all the time and she visits cornelius frequently at her grandparents’ house.  our beautiful family has been fractured in ways i wouldn’t wish on anyone but she remains well-adjusted and happy.  that’s all i can ask, really.

i began working with children on the autism spectrum last autumn and despite being another underpaid gig, it has at least something to do with my education and can afford me a stable schedule that works perfectly with cricket’s daycare.  it also comes with great health benefits and a feeling of purpose from helping a group of amazing students.  

i’m actually a little at a loss for what else to update you on.  i’m not sure who still follows this comic or if there is any interest in further updates.  so, this next week i have a little free time and access to a scanner.  if you’d like to know something about me or cricket or the time we have been absent from the internet, send me an ask and i will draw the response!  sound good?

cricket is helping me upload this; she would like you to know that she looks funny in the comic and is very happy that i drew her wearing her sandals.

i wish i could say my life was some sort of huge, terrible parody, but it is not.

sweet p and i had been working on our relationship.  i was trying to get a job back by our house so cricket and i could move in again.  we called each other partners.  the last thing she said to me was that she loved me.

sweet p… passed away on tuesday.  it was a sudden and unexpected illness, we know nothing, so please do not ask.  just please send love.  love, strength, courage… whatever you can.  i am just at an utter loss at the unfairness of everything.  she did not deserve this.  cricket does not deserve this.

her mama is magic now, and she is everywhere with us, but god… it hurts so, so much.

i received a question from anon, but tumblr's formatting is messing up so i'll make a separate post:

I really hope this finds both you and your little lovebug in good health and spirits. If not, I'll send all of my good energy to you(: I was wondering if we'll ever find out what exactly happened? But I think that is way too rude to bring up. How is Cricket taking it? Any advice you'd give to someone in a similar situation?

hi there! cricket and i are doing the best we can. she is an amazing person and is so happy, i try to only let her see me happy as well. the details are private, besides the note that i thought i had found a friendly Spider, but he turned out to be a complete snake.

as for advice, don't ever take your loved ones for granted. communicate when something is wrong [like crippling post-partum depression] and do everything you can to help them understand your struggle. don't rely on your partner for your happiness and don't hold it against them when they can't be there every second for you. get help if you need to, and don't let bureaucracy get in the way of whatever you need to get better.

own your mistakes and be gentle, even when all you want to do is scream at the world and be angry. it's okay to be angry and it's okay to scream. it's okay to cry and plead with whatever benevolent being you choose to just make it stop, but it isn't okay to take it out on the person that cares about you the most.

but seriously, don't take love for granted, because it hurts so much to realize too late how much you miss that love.

i know this isn't the most appropriate note for valentine's day [or maybe it's the most appropriate one, i don't know], but cricket and i miss our home. i'm in a bad place now and all i wish is to be able to take back everything that went wrong over the last year.

i’m sorry i haven’t gotten in touch with everyone that has donated [and blew away my goal!].  i’ve recently decided to go back to school and have been working on my master’s application.  i’m going to need a better job if i have to do this on my own!  i promise, I will be getting in touch with you all soon to see what kind of commissions you would like.

i also mentioned that the bloggers from pie it forward donated two shepherd’s pies for us to enjoy.  here are pictures of cricket nomming them! If you live in michigan, check out sarah and her fiancées blog and support their amazing culinary journey. It was so delicious!

in all its glory!

a cricket-sized piece of glory.

the food critic.

cleansing her palate.

what do you think?

she thinks it’s time to take matters into her own hands.

…with predictable results.

how do eat?

close, but no dice.

not even close anymore.

once she figured out how to eat it with her hands, it was a huge hit.

069 - The End

i struggled for months on how to portray everything that has happened since cricket was born, how i never could have foreseen the loss of everything that i loved about my life.

cricket and i live over an hour away from the house i helped purchase and lived in for less than six months.  i have no car or a reliable place to sleep.  daycare costs as much as rent, and working full-time retail leaves us with little money.  sweet p decided on another family that gives her more instant gratification and as of now, has little to do with raising her child.

i am utterly crippled with depression, hopelessness, and a pervading. constant sense that the only way to stop this struggle is to kill myself.  i can't, though, and i won't.  not just because cricket needs me, and i need her, but because i refuse to leave her alone like so many people have done to me without a second glance.

this is the end of platypuss for now.  maybe one day i will return with cricket's adventures from a happier place.  i hope i can.

it's thanksgiving, and i want you all to find something to be thankful for.  something that makes your daily struggle worth it.  my daughter is beautiful and smart.  even if i only have her in my life, that's all i need.

be good to yourselves and your loved ones.  do not take them for granted.  i love you all.

-jaybird and cricket

thank you, seriously.  i have one more page planned, but it has been very difficult for me to put it on paper.  i promise, it will be soon.  i hope you all are well.

congratulations on your upcoming journey!  i hope it brings you just as much joy and excitement.

honestly, i am still not in a place to create art right now.  i tried really hard for the last month, but i am still dealing with a lot and i am currently trying to swim out of a very dark place.  i'm just trying to find a way out, and i am desperate and scared.  cricket has been the light in my life and she is safe, and her happiness has been a beacon for me.

everyone, be good to yourselves, and be good to the people you love.  no matter what.

068 - Eviction Notice

well, today is my due date.  little cricket is not interested in coming any time soon, it seems, but i am more than ready.

this is going to be a placeholder for a while because i anticipate my life is about to become very, very busy.  your support has been an incredible force throughout this experience so far and i am excited to be taking the next step from genderqueer pregnancy to genderqueer parenting.  i will keep you updated when i am able but it'll be a bit before i make a new comic.

-jaybird

066 - Horror Stories

THIS ISN’T HELPING.

although, all of these stories end with, “if it was too much pain, we wouldn’t keep having babies!” so i guess i’m supposed to be okay now.

-jaybird