very lucky girl

I MISS WHO I USED TO BE . IS SHE STILL INSIDE

i smell like lotion and soap my cats are curled up beside me, one and two . i have love i have my hands and my bones and the words in my head and i have this earth for however long im allowed it .. i can be grumpy sad and bored, restless with an itching desire to tear something up in order to feel… but i must remain gentle, calm, patient, and soft. slow. kind to others and most importantly kind to myself… there is another side to this, just like anything else. nothing can exist without an end

i hope to be different in the ways i want this july

am i cursed to feel this dissatisfied itch eternally

i actually have no idea how it could possibly be sustainable to continue living this lie . while i go through the process of unearthing every hidden puckered scar inside me, feeling them out and wailing and breathing through the pain, then letting them all go, i continue to further traumatize myself by pretending nothing happened, that he did nothing . but the risk of everything being taken from me if i open my mouth is too great, i’d be completely and utterly fucked . and then there’s the horrible looming self doubt