And then you’re always thinking of how to be useful enough, how to do enough to not be considered a hindrance, how to be good enough for something, how to deserve to exist, and to be a part of something. Even your appearance, your tone of voice, your clothing, your manners, everything seems to be exposed to criticism, and not good enough. In your group of friends, you keep analyzing if you do enough to make up for the face they’re keeping you company, you try to not have any needs or desires that would take up their time and energy. You’re always focused on how you might be dragging someone down or slowing them down, or being in their way of something. Making up reasons why you’re not good enough, or why people would probably be happier if only you weren’t in their life.

And there’s always something, maybe you said something that wasn’t the best possible thing to say in that situation, maybe you couldn’t do your best at someting because you felt too depressed or anxious or struggled with executive dysfunction, maybe you didn’t give enough attention when someone asked it of you, maybe you were focused on your own problems for a bit and called selfish for it. It felt dreadful. Like every single rejection, abandonment, betrayal and hurt you experienced could be blamed on you, and you deserved that.

Tamino in the Wilderness   -  Tom Hammick , 2020

British, b. 1963-