All About the Sweathogs

The Opening Joke

This is the first aired episode, so this makes the following joke to be the first opening joke that the TV audience hears. It is also the first appearance of the home life for Kotter and his wife Julie. His first uncle joke of the show’s run is a fairly good one. Kotter tells the tale in which his unnamed uncle and his uncle’s secretary go to a convention in Miami and have to share a hotel room. During the night, secretary is cold and asks uncle to shut the window. The uncle asks secretary if she would like to pretend to be Mrs. Kotter for the night. She happily agrees. Uncle then tells her to shut the window herself. The joke and Kotter’s delivery pay off well, even Julie laughs. However, the scene opens with Kotter and Julie kissing on the couch in their dimly lit apartment. He stops kissing her to tell a joke about his uncle. Though she appears amused, this is not a very romantic move. It is not a good first impression of him or their relationship. This scene also is not a great way to introduce these characters, since the audience can hardly see them.

Act I

The act begins with Kotter entering his classroom to see that his students have painted a mural on the wall. It is supposed to be a telling of the Sweathogs history, but winds up being mostly about a random date Kotter had while in high school. While delighted over the artwork, Kotter tells them to clean it off the wall. The Sweathogs then reveal that they have also painted the top of Kotter’s desk, thus revealing that Kotter now has paint on his jacket. Now I have a small nitpick. The Sweathogs painted the desk. They knew the paint was wet. But they put their hands on it anyway and act surprised that they now have paint on their hands.

The scene switches to show Kotter in the teacher’s lounge cleaning his jacket. Another teacher, Mr. Welles, enters the room. They begin talking about their students, especially the Sweathogs. Kotter defends them by saying they are just as good as Mr. Welles’s students. Mr. Welles then challenges the Sweathogs in a debate against his debate students.

Next we see Kotter return to class and he tries talking them into doing a debate. They’re not into it until Kotter says it will be against the debate class, which the Sweathogs refer to as “the turkeys.” This nickname becomes sort of a running joke for the rest of the episode. But, sadly, it’s the only time anyone mentions “the turkeys” during the show’s run. The class gets excited, fully agreeing to a formal debate.

What’s so great about this first act is the dynamic between Kotter and his students is already established. They clearly like him as a teacher, but they have to give him a hard time because he’s a new teacher. Kotter isn’t afraid to make a fool of himself in front of the class while trying to win them over. Kotter tries to get through to them and inspire them like one would with regular students. The trouble is, these are not “regular” students by any means. And with this being the first aired episode, you get a great look into the different characters. You get to see who they are and where their strengths are etc. You also get to see the relationship the Sweathogs have with Kotter. He is one of them but still an authority figure, but a beloved authority figure. It is a real tight knit group, and a lovable one to boot. As a hypothetical member of the first time TV audience, I would be pleased with what I see displayed before me. The scenes in the classroom alone would be enough to pique my interest and get me to continue watching the rest of the episode. I am now hooked with these characters and I want to see more.

The Ups:

·         Kotter coaching Mr. Welles on how to talk to Mr. Woodman. “Don’t worry Mr. Woodman.”

·         Kotter is not afraid to make a fool of himself in front of the class.

·         Horshack’s “Yes!” argument and Epstein’s “No argument.”

·         Epstein intimidating Horshack into agreeing that people aren’t naturally aggressive.

·         Everyone calling the debate team “the turkeys.”

·         Horshack failing to clap along on beat.

The Downs:

·         Mr. Welles. He is annoying and arrogant.

·         Rosalie slutting it up for no reason.

·         Epstein saying words to say that he uses words. It just didn’t land well.

Favorite quotes:

“I’m not depressed. But I don’t know how long I can hold out with you in the room.” –Kotter

“D also stands for dingaling.” –Rosalie

“Hey man, I’ll beat the words out them birds.” –Freddie

“That’s it! That’s our topic!” –Kotter

“Plucking turkeys?” -Epstein

Act II

Now the first act got my attention. The second act got me to fall in love. It opens on the day of the debate. Mr. Woodman and Kotter talk in Kotter’s classroom while Kotter sets up for the debate. Mr. Woodman is concerned about how the Sweathogs will do, but he’s laughing at them at the same time. In the end, he doesn’t want any part of the debate to become a mockery of the whole school. He departs to get “the turkeys.”

The class enters the room, with the Sweathogs entering in a comical manner. The Sweathogs and Rosalie are dressed in outfits, they claim are meant to psyche out their opponents. It comes across as humorous. Epstein even shows up with a sword! Kotter takes a few moments to discuss with the Sweathogs their outfits and has a funny interaction with each Sweathog individually. He then tells them they are to take the debate seriously. One of these interactions also gives a great line from Barbarino in regards to his suspenders. “If you want me to lose the suspenders, I’ll lose the suspenders. But there’s no dignity in a pair of pants falling to the floor.” Every time I hear him say this, I laugh. That is because the pants he is wearing are so tight that there is no way they would fall to the floor from the lack of suspenders.

These interactions also begin a running gag of Rosalie in a cheerleading uniform. She makes attempts to start a cheer for the Sweathogs. But Kotter stops it each time by telling her to “give it to me later.” I am torn on how I feel about this. It is a funny running gag for this act because it brings on a funny interaction between Kotter and a student in his class who isn’t necessarily a member of the Sweathogs. This interaction and the repeated line of “Give it to me later” is also creepy. That is because there are clear sexual tones to this gag between a student and her teacher.  

Moving on to the rest of the scene, the real comedy gold begins after the “turkeys” enter the class. The debate begins, with the Sweathogs trying to prove that people are naturally aggressive. They essentially win the debate in their own unique and unconventional ways, but mainly by provoking Todd to losing his temper. After the “turkeys” Mr. Welles and Mr. Woodman leave in frustration, Kotter and his class are left to celebrate their victory.

One thing I love about the debate is the fact that the Sweathogs start out trying to play along and do things the way the “turkeys” are doing. But it all goes out the window when Freddie gets up to give his speech in only the way that Freddie can do. After he finishes, Judy stands up and annoyingly claims “he isn’t following the rules! He isn’t following the rules!” To this, Kotter uses the “give it to me later” line on Judy. This is the only time the line doesn’t land as well as it did previously. Kotter even says it while laughing, showing that even he knows how ridiculous it is.

Throughout this scene there are quite a few gems to speak about. But it would take me too long to discuss each of those points. The main thing the audience would get from this is how funny the Sweathogs can be, both individually and as a team. That’s another thing, this second act really shows how well they act as a team. Their methods are unconventional and comedic, making them come across as a comedy group. But these methods are ones that the audience will come to love. Even though this was not the first episode filmed, I’d say it was the perfect first episode of the show’s run. It gives the first time viewers a great look into what the show is about, as well as who these characters are and their special dynamic. The second act alone is the perfect one to gain repeat viewers.

The Ups:

·         The Sweathogs are dressed to kill, and clearly have a killer plan to boot.

·         The names of Freddie’s father and brother.

·         Rosalie’s cheerleader act “Give it to me later.”

·         The Sweathogs push Todd to blow it.

·         The debate is essentially won by the Sweathogs for proving people are naturally aggressive.

The Downs:

·         The debate team were just as annoying and arrogant as Mr. Welles.

·         Mr. Welles.

·         Rosalie’s cheerleader act “Give it to me later.”

·         The other guy on the debate team just says one word. He is never heard from again.

Favorite quotes:

“I’ll run down and get the turkeys, ah um, I mean the debate team.” –Mr. Woodman

“They’re not people, Kotter!” – Mr. Woodman (first use of this line)

“Epstein, close your mouth, sit on your sword.” –Kotter

“You look like you come with a 95 dollar funeral.” –Kotter

“This debate is called on a count of dumbness!” –Mr. Woodman

“In your socks with a pound of locks!” –Mr. Welles

The Closing Joke

Much like the previously seen opening joke, the Kotters are shown in their dimly lit apartment. This time they are seated at their dining table. As a hypothetical first time viewer, I have some questions. Is it always night time in their apartment? If so, can’t they afford better lighting? Also, is Julie there just to be an ear for Kotter’s corny jokes? At this point, this is all she is to the audience. Anyway, this technically is not an uncle joke, since it’s about Kotter’s friend. Kotter tells a story about how he saw his friend carrying a toad down the street. Upon questioning, his friend says he’s taking the toad to the zoo. The next day, Kotter sees his friend carrying the toad down the street again. When asked, his friend says today he’s taking the toad to the movies. This is a cute joke, and one suitable for the closing of an episode. Although, this hypothetical first time viewer in 1975 would not think this joke was enough to get me to watch the next episode. However, the overall episode was strong enough to make me want to watch more. All-in-all it was a decent joke and one of the few uncle jokes that I enjoy.

Running Jokes

Calling the debate team the “turkeys”

Rosalie the cheerleader and “Give it to me later”

The Show Stealer

Freddie taking everyone to church with his speech on aggression. Can I get an Amen!

Episode MVP

Murray the horse for lending Horshack his top hat.

Episode Rating

The Opening Joke

 This is the first aired episode, so this makes the following joke to be the first opening joke that the TV audience hears. It is also the first appearance of the home life for Kotter and his wife Julie. His first uncle joke of the show’s run is a fairly good one. Kotter tells the tale in which his unnamed uncle and his uncle’s secretary go to a convention in Miami and have to share a hotel room. During the night, secretary is cold and asks uncle to shut the window. The uncle asks secretary if she would like to pretend to be Mrs. Kotter for the night. She happily agrees. Uncle then tells her to shut the window herself. The joke and Kotter’s delivery pay off well, even Julie laughs. However, the scene opens with Kotter and Julie kissing on the couch in their dimly lit apartment. He stops kissing her to tell a joke about his uncle. Though she appears amused, this is not a very romantic move. It is not a good first impression of him or their relationship. This scene also is not a great way to introduce these characters, since the audience can hardly see them.

 Act I

 The act begins with Kotter entering his classroom to see that his students have painted a mural on the wall. It is supposed to be a telling of the Sweathogs history, but winds up being mostly about a random date Kotter had while in high school. While delighted over the artwork, Kotter tells them to clean it off the wall. The Sweathogs then reveal that they have also painted the top of Kotter’s desk, thus revealing that Kotter now has paint on his jacket. Now I have a small nitpick. The Sweathogs painted the desk. They knew the paint was wet. But they put their hands on it anyway and act surprised that they now have paint on their hands.

The scene switches to show Kotter in the teacher’s lounge cleaning his jacket. Another teacher, Mr. Welles, enters the room. They begin talking about their students, especially the Sweathogs. Kotter defends them by saying they are just as good as Mr. Welles’s students. Mr. Welles then challenges the Sweathogs in a debate against his debate students.

Next we see Kotter return to class and he tries talking them into doing a debate. They’re not into it until Kotter says it will be against the debate class, which the Sweathogs refer to as “the turkeys.” This nickname becomes sort of a running joke for the rest of the episode. But, sadly, it’s the only time anyone mentions “the turkeys” during the show’s run. The class gets excited, fully agreeing to a formal debate.

               What’s so great about this first act is the dynamic between Kotter and his students is already established. They clearly like him as a teacher, but they have to give him a hard time because he’s a new teacher. Kotter isn’t afraid to make a fool of himself in front of the class while trying to win them over. Kotter tries to get through to them and inspire them like one would with regular students. The trouble is, these are not “regular” students by any means. And with this being the first aired episode, you get a great look into the different characters. You get to see who they are and where their strengths are etc. You also get to see the relationship the Sweathogs have with Kotter. He is one of them but still an authority figure, but a beloved authority figure. It is a real tight knit group, and a lovable one to boot. As a hypothetical member of the first time TV audience, I would be pleased with what I see displayed before me. The scenes in the classroom alone would be enough to pique my interest and get me to continue watching the rest of the episode. I am now hooked with these characters and I want to see more.

 The Ups:

·         Kotter coaching Mr. Welles on how to talk to Mr. Woodman. “Don’t worry Mr. Woodman.”

·         Kotter is not afraid to make a fool of himself in front of the class.

·         Horshack’s “Yes!” argument and Epstein’s “No argument.”

·         Epstein intimidating Horshack into agreeing that people aren’t naturally aggressive.

·         Everyone calling the debate team “the turkeys.”

·         Horshack failing to clap along on beat.

The Downs:

·         Mr. Welles. He is annoying and arrogant.

·         Rosalie slutting it up for no reason.

·         Epstein saying words to say that he uses words. It just didn’t land well.

 Favorite quotes:

 “I’m not depressed. But I don’t know how long I can hold out with you in the room.” –Kotter

 “D also stands for dingaling.” –Rosalie

 “Hey man, I’ll beat the words out them birds.” –Freddie

 “That’s it! That’s our topic!” –Kotter

“Plucking turkeys?” -Epstein

 Act II

                 Now the first act got my attention. The second act got me to fall in love. It opens on the day of the debate. Mr. Woodman and Kotter talk in Kotter’s classroom while Kotter sets up for the debate. Mr. Woodman is concerned about how the Sweathogs will do, but he’s laughing at them at the same time. In the end, he doesn’t want any part of the debate to become a mockery of the whole school. He departs to get “the turkeys.”

The class enters the room, with the Sweathogs entering in a comical manner. The Sweathogs and Rosalie are dressed in outfits, they claim are meant to psyche out their opponents. It comes across as humorous. Epstein even shows up with a sword! Kotter takes a few moments to discuss with the Sweathogs their outfits and has a funny interaction with each Sweathog individually. He then tells them they are to take the debate seriously. One of these interactions also gives a great line from Barbarino in regards to his suspenders. “If you want me to lose the suspenders, I’ll lose the suspenders. But there’s no dignity in a pair of pants falling to the floor.” Every time I hear him say this, I laugh. That is because the pants he is wearing are so tight that there is no way they would fall to the floor from the lack of suspenders.

These interactions also begin a running gag of Rosalie in a cheerleading uniform. She makes attempts to start a cheer for the Sweathogs. But Kotter stops it each time by telling her to “give it to me later.” I am torn on how I feel about this. It is a funny running gag for this act because it brings on a funny interaction between Kotter and a student in his class who isn’t necessarily a member of the Sweathogs. This interaction and the repeated line of “Give it to me later” is also creepy. That is because there are clear sexual tones to this gag between a student and her teacher.  

Moving on to the rest of the scene, the real comedy gold begins after the “turkeys” enter the class. The debate begins, with the Sweathogs trying to prove that people are naturally aggressive. They essentially win the debate in their own unique and unconventional ways, but mainly by provoking Todd to losing his temper. After the “turkeys” Mr. Welles and Mr. Woodman leave in frustration, Kotter and his class are left to celebrate their victory.

               One thing I love about the debate is the fact that the Sweathogs start out trying to play along and do things the way the “turkeys” are doing. But it all goes out the window when Freddie gets up to give his speech in only the way that Freddie can do. After he finishes, Judy stands up and annoyingly claims “he isn’t following the rules! He isn’t following the rules!” To this, Kotter uses the “give it to me later” line on Judy. This is the only time the line doesn’t land as well as it did previously. Kotter even says it while laughing, showing that even he knows how ridiculous it is.

Throughout this scene there are quite a few gems to speak about. But it would take me too long to discuss each of those points. The main thing the audience would get from this is how funny the Sweathogs can be, both individually and as a team. That’s another thing, this second act really shows how well they act as a team. Their methods are unconventional and comedic, making them come across as a comedy group. But these methods are ones that the audience will come to love. Even though this was not the first episode filmed, I’d say it was the perfect first episode of the show’s run. It gives the first time viewers a great look into what the show is about, as well as who these characters are and their special dynamic. The second act alone is the perfect one to gain repeat viewers.

 The Ups:

·         The Sweathogs are dressed to kill, and clearly have a killer plan to boot.

·         The names of Freddie’s father and brother.

·         Rosalie’s cheerleader act “Give it to me later.”

·         The Sweathogs push Todd to blow it.

·         The debate is essentially won by the Sweathogs for proving people are naturally aggressive.

The Downs:

·         The debate team were just as annoying and arrogant as Mr. Welles.

·         Mr. Welles.

·         Rosalie’s cheerleader act “Give it to me later.”

·         The other guy on the debate team just says one word. He is never heard from again.

 Favorite quotes:

 “I’ll run down and get the turkeys, ah um, I mean the debate team.” –Mr. Woodman

 “They’re not people, Kotter!” – Mr. Woodman (first use of this line)

 “Epstein, close your mouth, sit on your sword.” –Kotter

 “You look like you come with a 95 dollar funeral.” –Kotter

 “This debate is called on a count of dumbness!” –Mr. Woodman

 “In your socks with a pound of locks!” –Mr. Welles

 The Closing Joke

                 Much like the previously seen opening joke, the Kotters are shown in their dimly lit apartment. This time they are seated at their dining table. As a hypothetical first time viewer, I have some questions. Is it always night time in their apartment? If so, can’t they afford better lighting? Also, is Julie there just to be an ear for Kotter’s corny jokes? At this point, this is all she is to the audience. Anyway, this technically is not an uncle joke, since it’s about Kotter’s friend. Kotter tells a story about how he saw his friend carrying a toad down the street. Upon questioning, his friend says he’s taking the toad to the zoo. The next day, Kotter sees his friend carrying the toad down the street again. When asked, his friend says today he’s taking the toad to the movies. This is a cute joke, and one suitable for the closing of an episode. Although, this hypothetical first time viewer in 1975 would not think this joke was enough to get me to watch the next episode. However, the overall episode was strong enough to make me want to watch more. All-in-all it was a decent joke and one of the few uncle jokes that I enjoy.

 Running Jokes

Calling the debate team the “turkeys”

Rosalie the cheerleader and “Give it to me later”

 The Show Stealer

Freddie taking everyone to church with his speech on aggression. Can I get an Amen!

 Episode MVP

Murray the horse for lending Horshack his top hat.

 Episode Rating

Jackie’s face was nearly frozen as her teeth chattered. Snow blew around her and the wind whistled. A ratty shawl covered her shoulders. She shivered and pulled it tighter around her, smiling at the person standing beside her.

Epstein stood next to her, shivering as well. He adjusted his scarf and rubbed his hands together. As he did this, he gave Jackie a hopeful grin. Near their feet was a tin can and a sign begging for money so that they could eat.

A couple people walked by them, dropping something into the can. Excitement befell Jackie and Epstein before they dove for the can. Epstein grabbed the can and dropped the contents into his lap. Nothing but a single nickel and a button fell from the can.

               Epstein and Jackie both frown in disgust. Epstein took to his feet, ready to fight the person who tossed them the button, but Jackie stopped him. They embraced each other and then looked up hopefully as the next group of people start to walk toward them. They smiled and motion toward the can, pleading for change.

Fez, dressed in a tux, walked over to them. He pulled out his wallet, which was bursting with cash. He took out a single well-worn dollar bill and slipped it into the can. He then patted both Jackie and Epstein on the head before walking away. Jackie and Epstein snatched up the can and tore the dollar from it. As they held the dollar, they appeared completely overjoyed.

                 “Oh my God. Oh my God, Donna. I can’t live on the street! The street is dirty and littered with bums!”

               “Yeah and you’ll be one of them.”

               “Eeeew! No I can’t have that, Donna. No, Donna, thank you for opening my eyes.”

               “So, what are you going to do?”

               “I have to talk to Juan.”

               Jackie patted Donna’s leg and then stood up. She then walked away in search of Epstein. Donna stood as well and followed her.

               “Jackie wait!” Donna called causing Jackie to stop walking. “Hold on. I, um, I kind of need to talk to you some more. But you can’t tell anyone.”

               Jackie spun around, a smile on her face. “Ooh Donna do you have dirt? Tell me, tell me!”

               A sinking feeling suddenly came over Donna and it showed on her face. “I think I change my mind.”

               Jackie frowned “Oh this sounds bad.” Her expression brightened some with intrigue. “Well now you have to tell me!”

               “Ok Jackie, promise me you won’t tell anybody.”

               “I promise. What is it?”

               “Well… Jackie… Oh I’m just going to say it. When I was working in Brooklyn… Freddie and I sort of…”

               “You sort of what?” Jackie gasped “Donna did you shoplift? I knew it!”

               “No! No. Jackie listen. This has been eating me up inside since I came back home. Freddie and I kissed.”

               Jackie gasped, shocked. “You kissed?”

               Donna quickly shushed her. Jackie lowered her voice to a near whisper.

               “You kissed? And you didn’t tell me sooner?”

               “Well you didn’t tell me you’ve been dating Epstein this whole time.”

               “You’re right. I know. So,” she smirked “what was it like?”

               “The kiss? Well It was… Freddie is a great kisser, what can I say?”

               “Better than Eric?”

               Donna frowned. “Oh God yeah! There’s no comparison.”

               “How many times did you kiss him?”

               “I dunno. Not like we counted. It was a few times.” She hesitated. “We made out a couple times and things got a little heated.”

               “Donna!” Jackie lowered her voice to a whisper again, this time with an accusatory tone “Did you two have sex?”

               “What? Jackie no!” Donna sighed. “Most we did was make out. Nothing… nothing below the waist.”

               “Oh my God Donna!” Jackie’s tone became must more amused. “This is exciting! Hey! If I marry Juan and you marry Freddie we would be like sisters-in-law!” She clapped her hands. “Yay!”

               “Jackie they’re not brothers.”

               “Well Juan has so many siblings, you don’t know that for sure.”

               “One of his brothers could actually be a brother?” Donna joked.

               “Right. It could happen! I mean, look at Steven. His father’s black.”

               “So because Hyde’s father is black, that means Freddie’s mother could be a Puerto Rican? Or Jewish?”

               “Now you’re getting it, Donna!”

               “Well, even if they happened to be brothers, you and I aren’t going to marry them.”

               “Play along, Donna!”

               Donna laughed. “Jackie, you’re crazy.” She looked up and saw a few of the guys, one of them Epstein, coming up from the basement. “Listen, we’ll talk more about this later. I’m going to go see Eric.”

               Donna walked away, heading down to the basement. Epstein walked away from the other guys and went over to Jackie. As they stood with each other, they went right into their thoughts, in perfect unison.

               “We need to talk.”          

“Listen, Jackie. I, ah, I’ve been thinkin’. About us.”

               “I’ve been thinking too. Well, actually, Donna and I were just talking and she had me realize some things.”

               “Right.” Epstein nodded. “Mr. and Mrs. Forman made me do some thinkin’ as well. And, ah, the other guys pretty much told me I was crazy and stupid for wanting to move here, got me thinkin’ some more.”

               They were silent for a moment before continuing, again in unison.

               “I think we should break up.”

               “I’m not movin’ here.”

               They looked at each other puzzled. Once again, they spoke at the same time.

               “Wait. What?”

               Epstein motioned to her. “You first.”

               “Juan, I think we should break up.” Jackie confessed, a little uneasily. “As nice it is to be with you in person, and as nice as our relationship has been, albeit being long distance…. I just don’t think it would be a good idea for us to continue being together.”

               Epstein looked down in silence as he thought about what she said. “That’s, ah, that’s probably for the best since I’m not movin’ here after all. But, why can’t we still be together?”

               “Let me put it this way. Juan, I expect a certain kind of future. One that you simply would never be able to provide for me.”

Epstein frowned “What are you getting at?”

“I was born rich, and I need someone equally rich to support me ad lavish me in gifts.”

               “Hey now I brought you my most prized possession. If that ain’t love then I don’t know what is.”

               “Juan you gave me a dirty old baseball card.”

               “Hey that card could be worth a lot of money one day!”

               “It wasn’t even yours! You stole it from Arnold!”

               “Bah! Details!”

               They looked at each other, sadly but in understanding. Moving in closer, they wrapped their arms around each other.

               “Well I guess this is goodbye.” Epstein said

               “Yeah, I guess so.”

               He rubbed her back and kissed her forehead. “Hey, I’ll just have you know, all this, that we had, it was all real.”

               She grinned softly. “I know.” She rested her head on his shoulder. “I’ll miss it.” She turned her eyes up to look at his face. “I’ll miss you.”

               “Hey, hey. Let’s not make this sad. Listen, in another time, another place, maybe we’ll get together again and it’ll be able to work out.”

               She grinned. “Yeah. Yeah I’d like that.”

               Epstein placed a finger beneath her chin, lifting it up a little. He leaned in and kissed her sweet and smooth. The kiss may have said “goodbye” but it wasn’t sad. In a way, they both knew their romance wasn’t one built to last. It was, however, one they both would come to cherish as they would one day look back on their younger days.

 …

                 The Sweathogs hung out in the hallway waiting for the very last possible moment to enter the classroom. As they hung out and talked, everything seemed like normal. But that didn’t stop curious minds to bring up the subject of Epstein and Jackie.

               “So Epstein,” Vinnie started. “You and Jackie somehow were together all summer and nobody knew about it.”

               Epstein nodded. “Yeah. What of it?”

               “How did you go steady with someone several states away and not let any of us in on it?” Freddie asked. “So there any reason you didn’t want us to know?”

               “Nah, no reason really.” Epstein shrugged “I guess having it on the down low sorta made things more exciting. More, ah, more romantic, y’know?”

               “But little Juan,” Horshack spoke up. “How did you manage to keep a long distance relationship this whole time?”

               “Simple. We talked on the phone a lot and we wrote letters.” He smirked a little. “See, I ain’t just a master of excuse notes. I’m also a master at love letters.”

               “Well ain’t you Mr. Romantic?” Vinnie said. “And my best move is having the girl meet me behind the billboard on 81st street.”

               “And that’s why you ain’t ever been in a real relationship, Vinnie.” Epstein stood up. “See the girls, they love romance. They eat it up. It’s what keeps them stickin’ around and it’s what gives you more opportunities for makin’ it.” He finished with a crude hand gesture and a small laugh.

               Gabe stood in the doorway of his classroom. He cleared his throat to get the students’ attention. “Conducting business in the hallway again, gentlemen? And I see your chairman of the board is back!”

               Epstein turned to face his friends, confused. “What, what is he talking about?”

               “Man, I don’t ever know what he’s talking about.” Freddie said, waving Gabe off.

               “So, gentlemen it is past time for class to start. I would really enjoy it if the four of you were to actually come in and join the rest of class.”

               “Yeah, yeah we’re comin’.” Epstein said, walking towards the room. “Nice seein’ you again, Mr. Kotter.”

               “Same to you, Epstein. By the way, how was your trip?”

               “Well, ah, y’know. It was good, but like all good things it had to come to an end. I really liked it out there, Mr. Kotter. But, ah, let’s just say, I got my head back on straight and figured out where I really belong.”

               “Good for you, Epstein. I’m glad to hear that. And I’m glad to have you back.”

               “I’m glad to be back. And, ah, I don’t see any chances of me strayin’ again in the future. I was born in Brooklyn, I’m gonna die in Brooklyn.”

               “Hey you think I could get Laurie to come visit me here?” Vinnie asked “Because I could go for another round with her.”

               “Not sure if she’d be willin’ to go all that way.” Epstein remarked. “Besides, there’s plenty of guys in Wisconsin that would have her in a heartbeat.”

               “Besides, from the way I hear it, even if she did come all the way here to see you, then you’d die. Ain’t no messin’n with a chick whose daddy fought in two wars.” Freddie shook his head. “I’m surprised you managed to get with her in the first place with Red around.”

               “It wasn’t easy. But it was worth it.” Vinnie smiled, causing Horshack to laugh. “Cut it!”

               Horshack stopped laughing immediately, ending with a small cough.

               “Alright,” Gabe said, ushering them towards the door, “time to get in class. You can save your talk about… romantic conquests for later.”

               The Sweathogs began walking past Gabe, entering the classroom. Gabe watched them enter and then he shook his head before looking away to talk to himself.

               “Looks like everything is back to normal.”

               He turned to head into the classroom, only to have the door shut in his face.

Vinnie stepped over to the table. “Epstein! Where have you been?”

               “What do you mean where have I been? You knew where I was headed when I left.”

               “Yeah, yeah.” Freddie moved over and stood next to Vinnie. “You’re the reason why we came all this way. Why would you run off like that fo’? Are you crazy?”

               Epstein took to his feet, scowl resting upon his face. “Hey, I came here to be with Jackie. I think coming here was one of the smartest things I’ve ever done.”

               “There aren’t that many.” Vinnie quipped.

               “Hey, hey watch it. Besides, it ain’t like you’ve never lost your head chasing after some girl.” Epstein looked at Freddie. “And you! You’re the one who was going to run off with Vernajean and get married all because she was moving to Statin Island.”

               Freddie got in his face. “Hey, this ain’t about us. This is about you being crazy enough to run away to Wisconsin to be with a chick. And what’s so good about her anyway?”

               Jackie stood up and scowled. “How dare you! Do you have any idea who I am? I am Jackie Burkhart, and I am a damn fine catch!”

               “Right.” Vinnie said. “I can see you’re perfect for Epstein. You’re just as hot headed as he is.”

               “I am not hot headed! Donna tell him I’m not hot headed!”

               “You’re right, Jackie. You’re like an ice cube.” Donna said sarcastically. She looked at the three guys and separated them. “Ok, listen. Why don’t you guys go somewhere to cool off? Hang out with the other guys, I’m sure they’re still in the basement.” She led Vinnie and Freddie towards the dining room. “Once the two of you cool down, then maybe you guys and Epstein can talk without fighting.”

She pointed out where they needed to go to get to the basement and then went back into the kitchen.

“Sorry about that, Mrs. Forman.”

               “Oh, don’t worry about it, Donna.”

               Jackie walked over to Epstein, who was still visibly upset, and placed a hand on his shoulder. You ok, baby?”

               Epstein sighed, relaxing a bit. “Yeah. I’m fine. Hey, I shoulda known they’d show up eventually. I told them exactly where I’d be and what I was doing here.” He took her by the hand and kissed her. “But you don’t gotta worry about them. They ain’t taking me nowhere.”

               “Oh Juan!” Jackie giggled. “Well it’s true. No man can be dragged away from me.”

               Meanwhile, just past the dining room, Vinnie and Freddie stood by the basement steps, talking to each other about their plan to bring Epstein home. Freddie started heading downstairs ahead of Vinnie. About to follow, Vinnie stopped, as someone distracted him. Laurie came downstairs and stopped right in front of Vinnie. She placed her hands on her hips and smirked, checking him out.

               “Damn!” She said. “You could pass for Travolta!” She looked at him. “Who are you anyway? Don’t tell me you’re one of my brother’s dumbass friends.”

               Stunned by her beauty, Vinnie responded the only way he knew how. “Wow-ow-ow-ow!” He looked her up and down before strutting over to her. “I really dig the whole Farah look.”

               “I like your accent.” Laurie said. “Where are you from?”

               “Brooklyn.”

               “Oh wow! I always wanted to do a guy from Brooklyn! Or anywhere in New York is nice.” She frowned a little. “Who are you again?”

               “Barbarino. Vinnie Barbarino. And who are you?”

               “Laurie.”

               “Well, Laurie. Since I’m new in town, why don’t you show me around to some of the best makeout spots?”

               “Sure. Let’s start in my bedroom.”

               She took him by the hand and started leading him upstairs. He put up absolutely no protests against it. Except he did stop, breaking away from her for a moment to silently cheer his success.

               Freddie came part way back up the basement steps right on time to watch Vinnie head upstairs with Laurie. He frowned and called after him, but Vinnie ignored his call.

               “Hey Vinnie! What you gonna do? You can’t leave me hangin’ down here to deal with Epstein myself!”

               Realizing he wasn’t getting anywhere, Freddie shook his head, frustrated and disappointed. He headed back downstairs to join the rest of the group in the basement.

                 Red entered the kitchen and quickly grabbed his car keys from the hook. He mentioned that he was headed for the hardware store. Kitty stoped him before he could reach the sliding glass door.

               “Red, wait. Before you go, meet Jackie’s new boyfriend, Juan Epstein.” She leaned in closer to him with a bragging smile resting upon her lips. “He’s from Brooklyn.”

               “Brooklyn huh?” Red looked at Epstein. “What the hell are you doing way out here?”

               Epstein stood and stepped over to where Red stood. “Like I’ve told everyone else, I’m here to visit Jackie.”

               “What’s the matter? Couldn’t get a girlfriend back in Brooklyn?”

               “Red be nice.” Kitty warned.

               “Hey now I can get any girl I want back home. But when I first laid eyes on Jackie this summer, it was all over. And the moment she came around and handed me her phone number, I knew I would travel the world just to be with her.”

               Red stared at him in disbelief. “You must be a bigger dumbass than the dumbasses he have here.”

               Again, Kitty warned him. “Red.”

               “Hey, do you have a problem with me being with Jackie?”

               “No. Well, she can date whoever she wants. Just so long as she doesn’t bring him over here and he pisses me off like her last boyfriend. So if you don’t come around here and do something stupid like throw a bowling ball through my tv, or sleep around with my daughter, then we’ll have no problems.”

               “Well then, ah, I don’t own a bowling ball. And you probably should warn my friend Vinnie about the other thing.”

               “Good. Because the minute you piss me off, I’ll send you to Mexico to study your roots with my boot so far up your ass you won’t be able to sit down for a week.”

               Epstein cringed. “I get it, I get it. I promise I won’t make you mad as long as I’m here. But you need to get one thing straight. I ain’t no Mexican. I’m a Puerto Rican Jew! You got a problem with me being a Puerto Rican Jew?”

               “Boy that certainly is a combination.” Kitty spoke up, ending her thought with a small laugh.

               “Well I stand corrected.” Red replied. “And far as me having a problem with that, let’s see… I happened to save the lives of some Jews while fighting in world war two. And far as I’m aware, there weren’t any Puerto Ricans shooting at me in Korea. So you’re good in my book.”

               “Wow.” Donna said “That’s real impressive. Normally Red hates everybody.”

               “Hey what can I say? I win ‘em all over eventually.” Epstein said with a proud grin. He looked at Red. “I hope we can get to like each other. I don’t mean just with this visit. I mean once I move here permanently.” He looked over at Jackie. “I ain’t leavin’ her side.”

               Jackie beamed, full of love. “Aww! Juan!” She ran over to him and gave him a kiss. “You really mean it? You’re staying?”

               “I’m stayin’.” He kissed her.

               “Oh my God!” Donna exclaimed, jumping out of her chair.

               “What?!” Red exclaimed

               “Oh honey, no!” Kitty added. “You can’t be serious.”

               “And why not?” Epstein asked. He placed his hands on his hips, rolling his eyes a little. “Everybody’s against me! First the guys downstairs made me wear that, that stupid helmet. Now this?”

               “That’s why they made you wear it?” Kitty asked. “Oh honey no wonder!”

               Donna went over to Jackie and whispered to her. “Let’s get out of here before this gets too ugly. I can already see Red’s vein throbbing. Besides, I think we should talk.”

               “But Donna! I can’t just let the Forman’s yell at my boyfriend!”

               “Trust me, he needs it right now. Let’s go.”

               Donna took Jackie by the hand and led her outside to sit on the porch. As soon as they left, Red and Kitty sat Epstein down for a parental talk. Red was first to speak.

               “Listen, I don’t know you. And I would never let anyone else hear this.” He paused with a sigh. “But I treat Jackie as one of my own kids. And I don’t want anything to hurt her. Kitty and I have seen our fair share of pure… dumbassery going on around here with Eric and his friends running around like idiots. But you take the cake.”

               “The entire cake!” Kitty chimed in.

               Epstein frowned, crossing his arms across his chest. “Boy if I knew I would come here to get a lecture from someone else’s parents, I would have stayed home to listen to one of Mr. Kotter’s stories.” He paused. “Not sure which is worse.”

               “I’ll be glad to help you find out which is worse.” Red said. “Now you’re going to sit there and listen to what we have to say.”

               “Listen, Juan. We’re sure you’re a nice boy. With good intentions. And it’s clear you care for Jackie very much. Besides, you coming here just for a visit with her is so romantic.” Kitty said. “But, honey, to actually move here to be with a girlfriend when the two of you are still in high school is just,”

               “The dumbest thing we have ever heard!” Red finished for her. “What are you going to do for education? And for a job? Nobody’s going to want to hire a teenage dropout with no future! And look at you! You look like you came straight out of one of those street gangs from New York!”

               “I can just see it.” Kitty said. “You move here, soon every kid in town is going to start dressing like you and acting like you. The town will be a mess. And I’ll be gosh darned if I’ll let you influence my kids to start smoking.”

               “If you really care about Jackie, you will rethink those plans. The last thing you need is to move here. Not just because you are young, or because of the potential corruption of the town as my wife kindly pointed out. But because I know how Jackie is. I know how she can destroy a man and his entire life without ever lifting a finger. And trust me, you don’t want that to happen.” Red looked at Epstein with a slight grin. “Because if you do anything to hurt her, I won’t stop her from destroying you. And that’s after I face you. Let’s just say, it would be easier facing off with me. Either way, you won’t want it to happen.”

               Epstein looked at the two of them in silence as he took in everything that was said to him.

               “On second thought, this was worse than one of Kotter’s stories. I can’t believe I actually miss ‘em after hearing that.” He shook his head in disbelief.

               “Right.” Red replied. “And if you know what’s good for you, you will head on home and stay there.”

               “Well, ah,” Epstein stood up and kicked the chair back to the table. “You ain’t my parents so you can’t really tell me what to do. But, ah, to be fair, they’d probably give me a similar lecture. Probably best I got it before I left here.”

               “So are you going to change your mind about moving?” Kitty asked, hopefully.

               “Well, let’s just say, you’ve given me a lot to think about.” He grinned a little. “Now if you’d excuse me, I have to fetch my friend from your daughter’s room.”

Earlier that day…

                 Horshack gave it his all while attempting to dribble a basketball while entering the classroom. His attempt, however, was sad at best. The ball got away, causing him to chase after it. He fumbled with it a bit before managing to bring it to a desk. This was a desk where Freddie would often sit. He sat on top of the desk and placed the ball in his lap. As he sat, although awkwardly, he tried to appear much cooler than what he was. That was when he removed his jacket to reveal a basketball jersey sporting the school colors, and one much bigger than what he should have worn.

               The entire time that this bizarre occurrence took place, Gabe stood at his desk. He watched his student with a mixture of emotions and corresponding expressions ranging from complete bewilderment, to uncertainty of whether or not he was actually dreaming. His eyes widened with confusion for a few seconds, then he shook his head in an attempt to get rid of the image.

               “Arnold.” He waved the student over to him.

               Horshack stood with the ball in his hand. He attempted to walk with a slick stride over to the teacher’s desk. His next attempt was to spin the ball on his finger, only to have the ball fall pathetically to the floor. Acting as though nothing happened, Horshack then picked up the ball.

               “Arnold could you kindly tell me what is going on?”

               Horshack stood as tall as he could. He cleared his throat before speaking in a deeper voice. “Hi there.”

               “Yes, hi there. Freddie Junior is it?”

               “Yeah. Yeah that’s me. I’m Freddie Boom Boom Washington.” He replied, doing his best imitation of Freddie’s voice and mannerisms.

               “You’re Boom Boom?” Gabe asked, trying not to laugh.

               “That’s right Mr. Kot-tare.”

               “I didn’t realize today was Halloween. Ok, uh, Freddie. Where’s your homework?”

               “My homework?”

               “Yes. If you’re Freddie today, then I expect you to turn in Freddie’s homework.”

               “Yes my homework. I did it, see, but happen to not have it right here han-dy.” He finished with a smile and tried not to laugh.

               “Ok Freddie, do you happen to have Arnold’s homework han-dy?”

               “No.”

               This time Gabe laughed. “Ok, ok that’s enough of the gag, Arnold. Could you tell me what this is about?”

               Horshack dropped all of Freddie’s mannerisms and tone from his speech. “Mr. Kotter if I told you, then you’d be upset. And then if Vinnie finds out I told you then he’d be upset.”

               “Speaking of Vinnie, where is he? And while we’re at it, where’s Freddie?”

               “Well, well, well, Mr. Koter-er-er… Who’s to say where anyone really is? Are we even here? Is here really the place we think it is?”

               “Arnold I think you’ve been hanging around the auto shop class too long. All those fumes in there are messing with your head.” This caused Horshack to start laughing, which Gabe quickly dismissed. “Oh, Arnold, I have the feeling that Vinnie and Freddie are currently in the same place as Epstein. But since you’re not going to spill the beans yourself, why don’t you take your seat. And maybe tomorrow you come to class as yourself.”

               Horshack laughed a little and gave him a small salute. “Aye aye Captain Kotter!”

               He laughed some more before walking to his desk to sit down.

                 For a little while after the girls left the circle, the guys remained, goofing around and talking.  Attention was on Epstein for a little bit as he told different stories from home. When he was finished with his stories, the subject switched to his current romantic relationship.

               “So, Epstein,” Eric said “Other than willingly dating the devil, what exactly brings you here to Point Place? I mean, there’s nothing here. In fact, you’re kind of looking at it.”

               “Well, ah, I’m here for Jackie. Hangin’ with all of you is just a bonus.”

               “How long do you plan on staying here?” Hyde asked. “Because we’ve all been tryin’ to get out since we knew how to walk.”

               “You kiddin’?” Epstein sat on the back of the couch. “I like it here. Yeah, the whole small town thing is a great change of pace from the big, loud, dirty city. Plus, without my brothers and sisters here, I have plenty of room to stretch out.”

               “Yeah that’s got to be nice.” Kelso said with a small smile. “At home, I always gotta worry about my brothers being around and messing with my stuff. And if I have a girl over I always have to keep my brother Casey from trying to take her from me.”

               “Yeah you get it. Having a big family is tough sometimes. At my house, a guy can’t use the bathroom alone. Always someone coming in for some reason. My little brothers, they just come in to talk to me. The moment I sit on the john there they are!”

               “You mean you have a family of twelve and only one bathroom?” Kelso asked. “We at least have a half bath.” He laughed. “Yeah, I like to go in there sometimes to be by myself. My brothers don’t like to go in there because it is the bathroom my sister insists on using for doing her hair and makeup. But I don’t mind. She usually leaves good magazines to read.”

               “But, Kelso, all your sister reads is Cosmo.” Eric said before laughing. “Dude you read Cosmo!”

               “There’s good stuff in there. You can learn a lot of things from Cosmo.”

               “Yeah, yeah like the latest fad diets and make-up tips to make you the pretty princess that you are.” Epstein finished with a laugh.

               Fez leaned in toward Kelso. “Ah, yes, Kelso I believe that was a BUUURRRN!” he sang the word “burn” and then finished with a bow.

               “Hey I believe that was Epstein’s first Wisconsin burn.” Hyde said with a proud grin. He leaned forward and gave Epstein a low five. “Congrats, man.”

               “Hey thanks. I’m sure I’ll have more as I stay here.” He grinned a little. “I haven’t said anything to Jackie yet, but, ah, I think I’m going to stay here. For good.”

               The other guys stared at him in disbelief.

               “Dude!” Eric exclaimed. “You can’t be serious.”

               “I am serious. I love Jackie. And I like it here. So I’m stayin’.”

               Hyde took to his feet. “That’s it.” He looked at Eric. “Forman, you know what to do.”

               “I’m on it!” Eric bounded over to the shelves and grabbed the Green Bay Packers helmet. He then tossed the helmet to Epstein. “Here, put that on.”

               “What?” Epstein asked, looking at the helmet in confusion. “Why?”

               “Just put it on and we’ll explain.” Hyde replied.

               Though confused, Epstein shrugged and then put on the helmet. Kelso laughed and Fez let out a delighted gasp.

               “It actually fits over his hair!” Fez clapped his hands.

               “Yeah, yeah. Ok I got it on. What now?”

               Hyde stepped over to Epstein. “This, my Puerto Rican Jewish friend, is what we call the stupid helmet. It has been worn by each of us at some point. Whenever one of us comes up with an incredibly stupid idea, he has to wear the stupid helmet. It also comes in handy if someone, usually Kelso, has an incredibly stupid idea that could cause physical harm.”

               “So, you want me to wear this helmet because I want to move here to be with Jackie?”

               “Right! You got it!” Eric exclaimed.

               “And since this is, so far, the stupidest thing anyone here has ever said, you need to wear it extra-long and really think about your plan.” Hyde added

               Epstein stood up, hopping off the couch. He then tore the helmet off and tossed it down onto the couch cushions.

“I ain’t wearin’ that! I’ve already thought about this before I got here. My mind’s made up. I’m stayin’ with Jackie. Besides, if I continue to wear that, then I’m betrayin’ New York.”

               “Well then you already betrayed then by saying you’re moving here. So it’s probably a safe bet to keep it on a while.” Hyde said. He picked up the helmet and handed it to Epstein. “Put it back on. Trust us, you need it.”

               “Fine fine!” Epstein grabbed the helmet in a huff and put it back on his head. “I’ll wear it for now. You guys might think my plan is stupid. But at least I didn’t say I was going to marry her.”

               “Yes.” Eric said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “Because completely uprooting your life and moving to a different state to be with a girl while you’re both still in high school is so much better.”

               Before anyone else could say anything, Jackie entered the basement. She took one look at Epstein and then looked at the other guys, offended.

               “You guys made Juan wear the stupid helmet? What did he do?”

               “Nothing, babe.” Epstein took the helmet off and sat it on the couch. “They were just having a gag.” He took her hands and then kissed her.

               “Ok good, good.” She looked at the others. “Because if any of you make him wear the stupid helmet again, I will come after you and I will hurt you.”

               “Hey, hey, let’s get out of here. Go somewhere, where we can talk.”

               Jackie grinned. “Ok let’s go.”

               Holding hands, Jackie and Epstein left the basement together, leaving the guys disgusted and disappointed at their actions.

                 Jackie opened the sliding glass door and stepped into the kitchen, Epstein following close by. Kitty pulled something out of the oven and sat the hot pan on the counter next to the stove. She closed the oven door and then looked up at the two teens.

               “Oh!” She let out a small laugh. “Jackie I didn’t know you were here.”

               “Mrs. Forman, those idiots in the basement made Juan wear the stupid helmet.”

               “They did? Well they’re just rude.” Kitty paused. “Who’s Juan?”

               Jackie ushered Epstein forward. “This is Juan, my boyfriend.”

               Epstein stepped forward and extended a hand for Kitty to shake. “Juan Epstein. You must be Eric’s mother.”

               “Oh my!” Kitty smiled, placing a hand on her chest. “You seem like a fine young man. I haven’t seen you around here. Do you live nearby?”

               Jackie leaned in with a proud smiled. “No, Mrs. Forman. Juan is from New York.” She bragged.

               “Oh! New York. My you sure have come a long way just to see your girlfriend.”

               Epstein grinned. “Brooklyn to be exact.” He looked at Jackie. “I’d travel the world just to be with Jackie.”

               “Oh Juan!” Jackie giggled.

               Kitty placed a hand on her hip. “Well, Jackie, looks like you’ve found yourself a keeper. I can already tell he’s far more charming than Michael ever was.”

               Jackie smiled. “Thank you Mrs. Forman!”

               “Now, what do you say we sit at the table so I can get to know your boyfriend?” Kitty asked.

               Before either of them could answer, she picked up a plate of brownies and carried it to the table. Epstein’s face lit up and he practically glided over to the nearest empty chair.

               “Man I sure like it here!” he laughed and picked up a brownie. He took a bite and his eyes widened with delight. “These are amazing! What bakery did these come from?”

               Kitty laughed. “Bakery? No, no, no. I made them from scratch.”

               “They’re the best I ever had.” He frowned slightly. “My mother hardly ever bakes from scratch. Only time she does is around Hanukkah. And even then, what she makes never even compares with this.”

               “Well it is my own special recipe.” Kitty laughed. “Jackie, I like him already. It’s only a shame he hasn’t been around here sooner.”

               “Yeah, yeah. Funny how livin’ several states away will keep people apart.” Epstein said before taking Jackie’s hand.

               “Well you’re here with me now, and that’s all that matters.” Jackie leaned in a kissed him.

                 Donna left her house with Vinnie and Freddie. They started heading next door when Freddie grabbed Donna to pull her aside. Donna told Vinnie to go on ahead and that they’d only be a minute. When Vinnie entered the Forman’s driveway, Freddie looked at her.

               “Hey, um, Donna listen. I didn’t come here just to get Epstein. I have been wanting to see you since you left Brooklyn.”

               She grinned slightly. “I figured as much. I mean, I didn’t think it would take both of you to bring Epstein home. Though, I do hear he’s pretty over the moon with Jackie right now.”

               “Yeah, damn. I hope we’re not too late.” He looked at her in the eyes. “Listen, those two weeks with you…”

               She grinned in understanding. “Don’t worry about it, Freddie. It’s not really something we should let our friends in on. At least not for a while.”

               “Right, right. Still too soon.”

               “Let’s talk about this some other time. When, you know, our friends love lives aren’t an issue.” She laughed, causing him to laugh as well. “Come on, let’s head next door. I’ll have you and Vinnie meet the Formans before we meet up with the guys.

               “Coo’, coo’.” He grinned. “It’s good seein’ you again.”

               “It’s good seeing you too. Now come on, you and Vinnie have people to meet.”

The bell above the door dinged as a small group of people entered The Hub. Among that group was Hyde, Eric and Donna. At first, they carried on with a conversation and didn’t notice who was there. Jackie left the counter carrying two pops. She stopped suddenly, when she saw her friends, and she let out a small panicked squeak.

               “Jackie!” Donna exclaimed. “Where the hell have you been? You weren’t in school today and now we find you hanging at The Hub?”

               Eric smiled. “Not to mention, that’s a lot of pop for one person.” He snapped his fingers and pointed at her. “I think Jackie skipped school and now she’s on a day date.”

               “Skippin’ school for a day date?” Hyde arched an eyebrow. “You’re going to be in trouble little lady.”

               “No.” Jackie said defensively. “I am not on a day date. And for your information, I was at school.”

               “When?” Donna asked. “Because I certainly didn’t see you.”

               “And if you’re not here with someone else, then who’s that other pop for?” Eric asked.

               “Ok fine. I wasn’t at school. And I am here with a date. But it’s none of your business.”

               Epstein strolled over to Jackie, not even acknowledging the other three. “Hey Jackie what’s taking so long? You have me over there by myself, with nobody I know that I can talk to.” He grinned at the other three, finally noticing them. “Oh hi.”

               “Epstein?!” The other three said in unified surprise.

               “What the hell are you doing here?” Donna asked. She looked at Jackie. “Again, what the hell?”

               “You couldn’t get a date around here so you had one shipped out from Brooklyn?” Hyde asked

               “I can get a date here! Please, I can be with any guy I want.” Jackie rolled her eyes and shook her head. “Besides, I didn’t have a date shipped out from Brooklyn. Juan came here for a visit. Now I’m showing him around.”

               “Still. You could have had any guy around here, but you went for some dirty little streetrat from back east.” Hyde remarked.

               “Hey!” Epstein spoke in offence. “I am not a streetrat! I am a Sweathog!”

               “Yeah…” Eric replied “That’s not much better.”  

               Epstein waved him off and then stepped over to Jackie. He put an arm around her shoulders and took one of the pops from her hands.

               “You got something against us being together?”

               “None at all.” Donna replied. “In fact just the opposite. We think it’s great the two of you are together. We’re just surprised that you’re here.”

               “Well why shouldn’t I be here? I came to see the girl I love.” He brought Jackie a little closer to him.

               The other three looked at him, shocked. “What?!”

               “What? You got a problem with that?” Epstein asked before taking a sip of his pop.

               “How can you possibly love her?” Eric asked. “You two haven’t been around each other since the start of summer. Plus, she’s scary and evil.”

               “Hey, Juan and I love each other.” Said Jackie. “If you can’t handle that then that’s your problem. But you know what? I think you guys are just jealous.” She looked at Epstein. “Come on, baby. Let’s go someplace where people will appreciate our love.”

               Jackie and Epstein turned and brushed past them, heading out the door.

               “Hey while you guys are at the jail, say hi to Hyde’s mom!” Eric called after them before promptly getting punched in the arm by Hyde.

 …

                 Kelso smiled brightly as he tossed the basketball in his hands. “Awesome!” He laughed. “That little guy from Brooklyn is here?”

               Fez laughed and got off the hood of the Vista Cruiser. “And he’s dating Jackie?” He laughed again, shaking his head. “I cannot wait to see this. Jackie and that dorky little guy.”

               “You know there are two little guys, right?” Eric said. “And one of them, I’m pretty sure can kick both your asses without breaking a sweat.”

               Kelso’s smiled faded. “Wait I’m confused. Which little guy is Epstein? Isn’t he the one with the weird laugh?”

               “No. Horshack is the one with the laugh.” Donna corrected. “Epstein is the one with the walk.”

               “Don’t forget he can kick your ass.” Hyde added.

               “Hey now I bet I could take him.” Kelso said hopefully.

               Donna laughed. “Kelso you haven’t won a single fight in your life. Besides, we’re running out of eye patches.”

               “That is not true. I’m a good fighter.” He looked down dejectedly. “Ok I guess I do keep hurting my eye. But that’s only because Hyde keeps hitting me there.”

               “Yeah, so, if by some chance you were to fight Epstein, you’ll want some way to protect your eye.” Hyde said. “Seriously man, you’d think by now you would learn to defend your vulnerable spots.”

               “Yeah you’d think so!” Kelso said with a laugh in his voice.

               “Well Epstein is actually pretty cool.” Donna spoke up. “I got to know him better during those two weeks I was working in Brooklyn. If you stay on his good side, he’ll have no desire to fight you.” She explained. “Besides, he and Jackie are on their way over here. While he’s here, I say we should show him a good time. Welcome him.”

               “Donna is right.” Fez said, stepping forward. “We should treat our guest right. And if some reason he isn’t happy during his visit, then maybe we can set something up so that he punches Kelso in the eye.” He finished with a snicker.

               “Come on now, Fez.” Eric said, cautiously. “We don’t need to get Kelso unnecessarily hurt here.”

               “Hold on, Forman.” Hyde replied. “I say my foreign friend is onto something. We need to show Epstein a good time while he’s here. Give him a little taste of what we do for fun. Which means, having him hit Kelso in the eye should be one of the highlights.”

               “As much fun as watching Kelso succumb to acts of violence is, I don’t think it should be a top item.” Donna said. “Now we should sit down and think about ways we can show Epstein a good time while he’s here.”

                 The group sat in the basement, surrounded by smoke. Donna scratched her head, a ditzy expression fixed upon her face.

               “So what were we supposed to be thinking about?”

               Eric, who shared the seat with Donna, looked at her part in a daze and tried to appear serious. “Come on, Donna. We need to focus. We need to think of fun things for Epstein to do while he’s here.”

               “Oh!” Kelso exclaimed excitedly. “I know! We should introduce him to Laurie!” He nodded with a laughing expression. “She’s always fun when I do her.”

               Eric leaned over to whisper something to Hyde. Hyde then reached over and punched Kelso in the arm. Kelso grabbed his arm in pain and let out an offended shriek.

               “Rude!”

               Hyde laughed. “I think it’s pretty clear what we need to do.”

               “Oh!” Fez smiled. “We should take him to the Piggly Wiggly to get candy!”

               Hyde looked at Fez with a disproving frown. “No.”

               “Why not? I think it’s fun. Plus I need to go. Since I’m out of candy.”

               “We’re not doing that, Fez.” Hyde looked at the others. “What we need to do is what we’re already doing. We already know he’s down for it. He usually keeps one or two joints hidden in his afro for emergencies.” Hyde laughed.

               It was then when the basement door opened, causing everyone to look up towards it, partly in a frozen panic. They all laughed a bit in relief once they saw the two newcomers were Jackie and Epstein.

               “What’s going on?” Jackie asked, an air of offence in her voice. “You guys just couldn’t wait until we got here to have your precious circle?”

               Epstein looked around the basement, spying the smoke. “You mean you just now noticed what they were doing?” He shook his head a little. “I smelled it before we even reached the steps outside.”

               “Well then come sit, join us!” Hyde said. “You’re never too late for a circle.”

               “Sure.” Eric said while standing. “We can make room for both of you.”

               The others stood and rearranged their seating to make sure there was enough room for everyone to sit comfortably. Once seated, Epstein took Jackie and held her on his lap. He laughed a little as he looked at everyone.

               “Hey now you guys weren’t kiddin’ when you said this is what you do for fin around here.” His smile quickly became an expression of confusion. “But, ah, your folks don’t mind you doing this in the house?”

               “Nah.” Eric waved it off. “I mean, well, they don’t really know this is what we’re doing. After all, my mom’s still convinced that smell is incense.”

               “What about your dad?”

               The others responded with grim comments, expressions, or by making some sort of motion that indicated that this was a dangerous territory to enter.

               “Epstein, man,” Hyde said while leaning forward in his seat. “Let’s just say if Red ever found out what we were doing, he would come up with a fun new game. I believe he would call it something along the lines of, ‘Guess how I’m going to stick my foot in your asses’.”

               “That bad, huh?”

               “Bad?” Eric laughed. “That’s just one of his good days. Trust me, when it comes to angering Red, don’t.”

               Epstein nodded. “I see, I see. So what about your mom? What would she do if she found out?”

               “Oh Kitty?” Donna said. “She’s usually pretty cool. She might be disappointed. Maybe nervously laugh it off. Then she’ll just try to ignore it and go bake some cookies or something.”

               “Yeah.” Kelso said with a laugh. “And the real beauty is, you go upstairs with the munchies while she’s baking the cookies, and she’ll always let you have some of the batter. And if you complement her, she’ll let you have an extra cookie.”

               Fez sat with a dreamy, blissful smile. “Ah, I could go for one of Miss Kitty’s cookies right about now. And whatever she takes out of the oven.” He finished by laughing at his own joke.

               “Ok, ok, I got it now.” Epstein said. “Don’t mess with Red even on a good day. And, ah, be nice to Kitty and she’ll give you a cookie.” He smirked “And probably some action on the side.” He laughed.

               Eric looked at him in disgust. “Dude! That’s my mom!”

               “Juan you are so bad!” Jackie lightly scolded with a smile.

               “Aw come on!” Epstein laughed again. “I ain’t goin’ after nobody’s mom. I may go after lots of chicks. But moms are off limits. No matter how foxy they are.”

               “You should teach that to Kelso.” Said Hyde. “He’ll do anybody with boobs and a pulse.”

               “Hey! I have my standards.” Kelso replied. “But I can’t help it if women get turned on by my looks! It’s a blessing and a curse!”

“That’s like my parents. Only they skip the valium and vodka and go straight for tequila.” He frowned a little. “Probably how they wound up with so many kids.”

               Jackie laughed, smiling at him. She was beaming with loving bliss, unable to handle the fact that her boyfriend was finally there. He looked at her, bringing her close to him, and gave her a slow, sensual kiss. When the kiss ended she blushed, smiling brightly and slightly surprised.

               “Wow! Juan!”

               “I know. I’m a good kisser.” He sat his bag down beside him on the floor. “Been wanting to do that since we first met.”

               “Really? But I hated you then.”

               “I know. Didn’t stop me from wanting to kiss you.”

               “That’s so true. I have that effect on guys.”

               “You sure are full of yourself. I like that.”

               She took his hands and looked into his eyes. “So, I know it’s late, but what would you like to do?”

               “There’s only one thing I want to do.” He walked over to the bed, taking her with him.

               “But Juan!” She giggled. “You’re so bad! You just got here!”

               “What?” he sat on the bed, frowning slightly “No not that! It’s been a long trip here. I’m exhausted and it’s late.” He stretched out and held his arms out for her. “Come here.”

               “Oh I get it. You want to snuggle.” She grinned.

               Jackie giggled a little then climbed in bed next to him. She situated herself where she rested her head on his chest and he would have his arms around her. He grinned, looking down at her, bringing her as close as comfort would allow.

               “This is nice, Juan.” She said, closing her eyes.

               “Yeah.” He began to brush his fingers through her hair. “Though, if it led to something else, that would be nice too.”

She reached up and slapped his arm.

“Alright alright!” he chuckled. “Not tonight. This is nice then.” He lifted her head a little and then kissed her forehead. “I love you, Jackie.”

               She grinned softly. “I love you too.” She turned to switch off her lamp. “Goodnight.”

               “Goodnight.” He kissed her again and then leaned his head back against the pillow. He let out a happy sigh and closed his eyes. The trip was long and tiring, but it was already worth it.

 …

 The next day at school was strange without Epstein’s presence. There was talk among the students, discussing his whereabouts and the possibility of him never returning. While there were some students and school staff members who were thrilled over his absence, there were others who were actually concerned.

               The Sweathogs especially were concerned because they knew that, like always, Epstein had gotten carried away with his romantic side and had moved way too fast. They knew he was prone to falling ass over feet in love at first sight, ready to uproot himself and start a brand new life with the girl he was dating.

               This was only supposed to be a visit with Jackie. But they feared it wouldn’t be long before Epstein let things get out of hand. If they weren’t there on time to stop him, he surely would be moving in with her. And since he was already in Wisconsin, they knew that they needed to move even faster to put an end to things. The trouble was, they weren’t sure how strong of a hold Jackie had on him, especially since they haven’t seen each other since the beginning of summer. And that, they knew, was going to make things harder for them.

               “Alright.” Vinnie said to his friends. “Here’s what I think we should do.”

               Vinnie moved to sit on the bench as Freddie and Horshack moved closer to him.

               “Freddie, I figure it’ll take two of us to convince Epstein to come home. That’s where you and I come in.”

               “Right. So are we headed to Jackie’s house?”

               “Not exactly. We’re going to Donna’s house. On account of I already know how to get there. Plus I figure she could help us get to wherever Jackie and Epstein are.”

               “Coo’ coo’. So we get to Donna’s, she takes us to Jackie’s house. What do we do from there?”

               “I ain’t figured that out yet.”

               “Vinnie.” Horshack said “Hey Vinnie? What will I do when you two are gone?”

               “See, Horshack,” Vinnie replied, turning to place his hands on Horshack’s shoulders. “You have a very important job. You have to stay here and hold down the fort for the rest of us. If Mr. Kotter asks questions about where we are or what we’re doing, run interference, deny everything.”

               “Ok but Vinnie, how do I run interference?”

               “Do whatever you feel is necessary. We’ll be back before you know it.”

               Horshack nodded a little warily. He then nervously began laughing until someone stopped him.  Right in that moment, Gabe stood in the doorway of his classroom, and drew their attention onto him.

               “Fellas.” He said “Is there any time today that you will grace the rest of the class with your presence?”

               “In a minute, Mr. Kotter.” Vinnie said “We’re conducting some important business here.”

               “Business. In the school hallway. In the middle of my class?”

               Vinnie looked at him and grinned, showing off his dimples. “Yeah. Now if you’ll excuse us, Mr. Kotter, you’re interrupting our business.”

               “But how can you conduct business when you’re missing your chairman of the board?”

               Vinnie looked around, confused. “What?”

               “The chairman of the board, Vinnie. The one in charge of the meeting.”

               Again, Vinnie looked around with the same amount of confusion. “Where?”

               “Where?” He asked. “Epstein, Vinnie. I’m talking about Epstein. Where is he?”

               Vinnie strolled over and stood in front of Gabe with a cool demeanor. “I don’t know.”

               “Hey, man,” Freddie said “All we know is he ain’t here.”

               “Don’t tell me he actually ran off to Wisconsin.”

               Horshack approached him. “Well, well, well Mr. Kotter! It seems that you already know where Epstein is. So there’s no reason to be asking any of us.”

               Gabe waved his arms in a comical, yet, frustrated manner as he yelled. “Would you cut it out?” he straightened his posture and adjusted his tie. “Now, forgetting about Epstein. Why don’t you guys finally join me in my classroom?”

               “Yeah yeah we’re goin’.” Vinnie said before heading into the classroom.

               “Man you sho’ know how to spoil our fun.” Freddie shook his head, disappointed, before following Vinnie into the classroom.

               Horshack walked over to Gabe. “I am disappointed in you, Mr. Kotter.” He followed after his friends.

               “Good. Finally we can start class.”

Gabe turned to enter the classroom, only to have the door shut in his face. He then looked away, dumbfounded, pondering the events that had just taken place.

“Sure sure! I know it’s crazy. But I gotta do it, Jackie. I love you.”

               Her face brightened with a smile. “Oh Juan! I love you too! Now, Juan, when you get here, you’re going to have to clean yourself up a bit. Trim down that afro, that bandanna’s got to go. And your clothes, we’ll have to do something about them because I can’t have you looking like a hobo. Oh! I can take you shopping!” She finished with a giggle.

               “Jackie…” He shook his head. “Look, I ain’t doin’ that. You take me as I am or not at all.”

               “I love when you talk to me like that. So manly. But we’re still going shopping when you get here. I’ll pay.”

               “Fine fine! But that’s it. I ain’t letting you treat me like some kind of fashion doll, fixing me into something I ain’t. If you’re going to be with me, then be with me. Not just the parts you like best.”

               “Ok Juan.” She laughed. “I’m sorry. So when do you think you’ll get here?”

               “Well if I leave early tomorrow, and things go well with bus schedules, and traffic… probably late tomorrow night.”

               “Yay! Juan I can’t believe this is happening. You’re actually coming to see me!”

               “I know.” He grinned. “I can’t wait. Well I better go pack some things. I’ll try to call you along the way. See you soon, Jackie. I love you.”

               “I love you too, Juan. I’ll be counting the hours until you arrive.”

               “See you soon. Goodbye.”

               Epstein hung up the phone and then leaned against the wall. He let out a small, happy sigh and then headed upstairs to his room while he thought about his plan.

 …

               The next morning came and the school bells rang to begin class. As usual, the students were late entering Gabe’s class. A few minutes after the bell rang, and most of the other students were already in their seats, Vinnie came strolling in, last to arrive. He started to walk past Gabe’s desk, backtracked, and then handed Gabe a piece of paper.

               “Here Mr. Kotter.”

               “What’s this, Vinnie?” Gabe asked, waving the paper a little.

               “Oh, it’s a note from Epstein. He asked me to give it to you.”

               Vinnie casually went to his desk and sat down. Gabe waved him back over to him.

               “Vinnie, since when does Epstein give other people excuse notes to turn in for him? Where is he anyway?”

               Vinnie shrugged. “I dunno, Mr. Kotter. I guess the explanation is in the note.” He went back to his desk and sat down again.

               “In the note.” Gabe said. “Well I guess I better read it then.” He unfolded the note and then began reading it aloud. “Dear Mr. Kotter…” He looked up towards the class with a slight grin. “I don’t feel right reading one of his notes without him reading along with me.”

               Horshack’s arm flew up fast. “Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Mr. Kotter!”

               “What do you want, Arnold?”

               Horshack lowered his arm. “Can I read the note with you?”

               “I don’t know, Arnold.” Gabe snickered. “Do you think you can handle such a difficult task? After all, Epstein has had a lot of practice over the years with these notes.”

               “Right you are Mr. Kotter!” Horshack said with vigor. “But how hard can it be? I’ve seen Juan do it a million times. It doesn’t really seem too hard to mouth the words signed Epstein’s mother.”

               Gabe laughed. “Ok, Arnold. Give it a shot.”

               Horshack jumped out of his seat and then practically skipped over to where Gabe was standing, and stood next to him. He showed Gabe that he was ready and eager to read along with the note. Gabe cleared his throat and then began reading the note with Horshack filling in nicely for Epstein.

               “Dear Mr. Kotter. Please excuse me from your class.” He looked up with a grin. “Apparently his mother didn’t write this one.”

Horshack laughed, causing Gabe to give him an annoyed look. Then Gabe continued reading the note with Horshack mouthing the words along with him perfectly.

“I’m sorry to say I won’t be coming in for a while as I will be visiting my girlfriend in-“ His and Horshack’s eyes widened as they read the final word together in shock. “Wisconsin?!”