it's been a while since i posted any of my writing🥲 my story In Your Own Time is still on a lil hiatus rn but i'm looking forward to sharing the rest of it with you when it's all done.🥹
in the meantime, since i got back from the hellhole that is london ive been trying to get over the panic attack i had and thus wrote this bc writing is so therapeutic to me. i don't really need to say this but obviously this is fictional, it's not real, in fact i wrote this fully intending not to share it anywhere and to just try a new concept out. but ehhh fuck it
i hope if u read it you will like it/resonate with it🩷 thanks so much to everyone whose ever supported me, means the world
The day it happens, Howard has an uncomfortable feeling from the second he wakes.
Early as ever with two sleep regressing infants.
He sits beside Jason in bed, propped up on pillows, one baby and one bottle each.
The girls are all chunky legs and belly laughs now, but they still grunt and snuffle during feedings as they did as newborns.
The most beautiful sound.
The most beautiful girls.
Most unexpected, but loved enough for hearts to burst.
Holly is half asleep despite days of fighting it. Lola differs greatly, staring up at Jason with big emerald eyes and smiling so wide that the teat of the bottle slips around in her mouth.
"I don't think that's just wind anymore." Howard remarks.
"No, but I've still never met a windier human."
A still dozing Lola burps just then.
They laugh until it hurts.
With the girls fed, changed and now enjoying tummy time on the living room floor, Howard and Jason sit on the couch, coffee cups in hand.
The discomfort hasn't eased.
Instead, it's ever-growing.
Because Howard knows what Jason is going to do.
"Are you sure you want to?" He asks, trying to sound casual.
He just doesn't want to dare to believe his little family is anything but untouchable.
"Yeah," Says Jason with a tired sigh. "I need to, to be honest."
Howard leans over and kisses his cheek. "Alright."
The babies start fussing.
They look over and see that Lola has practically made her way on top of her sister.
"Lola!" Jason picks her up with a laugh. "You can't do that to Holly!"
Holly rolls over from her tummy to her back and lets out a tiny frustrated huff. Howard takes her into his arms.
"Wow, they already can't stand each other."
"They're just Justin and I but girls."
More laughs, more kisses.
Howard should feel better.
A hint of blue is trying to reveal itself above when they leave the house for a walk, double buggy in tow. Holly falls asleep in an instant, but Lola remains happy to take in the world around her.
They stop a while at a park.
The girls are in and out of wakefulness as they sit covered by sun shade in the buggy. Their parents sit on a lightly damp bench.
"It's actually quite nice out here." Says Jason, looking up at the separating clouds.
Howard smiles almost sadly. "Yeah."
But Howard's playing with his hands.
Alas, Jason always sees right through him.
"About what? Things are pretty great."
"I know. I just don't want him to interfere."
Jason shuffles closer and side-hugs him.
"He won't. He could never."
The words that, in retrospect, Howard will never stop hearing.
Mark comes to meet them at the park, bearing gifts in the forms of matching outfits for Lola and Holly and drinks from a favourite café.
"Those are ridiculous." Jason giggles at the overwhelmingly frilly dresses.
"I won't tolerate slander like that." Mark smirks, bouncing both babies in his arms.
"Heavy now, 'ent they?" Howard's expression is as identical as his daughters.
"God, yeah. They each weigh a ton."
The sun is out when Howard shortly takes the girls home solo. He watches their eyes squint in the brightness.
"We're nearly there." He reaches down and tickles their toes.
He knows Jason and Mark will be safe.
There's nothing to worry about.
Being a parent to two six month olds is far more threatening.
They're wide awake at home, sitting in their highchairs eager to eat something that resembles lunch.
He's scavenging the cupboard when his phone buzzes.
His stomach drops immediately.
'Jay' appears on the screen.
He continues what he's doing as he answers in an attempt to cultivate normalcy.
"Mhm, I just wanted to let you know we're in the taxi now. I don't think we'll be too long." Jason reports cheerfully.
"Okay, sounds good. We'll see you soon."
"See you soon, mwah, mwah."
There's no time to ponder in the silence left behind before the girls start trying to bat at each other.
"Alright, alright, ladies, it's coming!"
Meanwhile, on the other side of the city, Jason and Mark's taxi comes to a stop outside of the correct address.
Nigel Martin-Smith's office.
Jason pays the driver and out they get, both using their hands as visors in the sun as they look up at the building.
"I'd say it's good to be back, but..." Mark chuckles nervously.
"We'll be alright." Jason pats his shoulder.
Inside, the place looks abandoned.
Unclean. Untidy. Powerful suggestion of "I will give you grief".
Mark knocks on Nigel's door anyway.
It opens quicker than expected.
"Afternoon." Says a familiar yet unfamiliar voice.
Nigel's head peeks around the door, half hiding.
Just like the pathetic wet flannel he's always been.
"Are we coming in?" Asks Jason.
Yet to say a word, Mark follows Jason like a lost puppy.
He doesn't want to be afraid of Nigel.
But, at this moment, he's petrified.
"You can take a seat if you-"
"That won't be necessary." Jason cuts Nigel off.
He and Mark stand in front of someone they have no choice but to call their nemesis.
Without the realisation he's done so.
A lump the size of a small planet forms in his throat.
"Don't try to be funny, Nigel. You know why we're here." Jason continues.
"No, I don't whatsoever, to tell you the truth. Nothing warrants this."
"Neither can you, Jason. I gave you everything you ever wanted." Nigel stares them both down. "You as well, Mark. I find it insulting that you would come here today looking for an argument."
"D'you know what I think?" Jason steps forward. "I think the fact you exist is insulting."
Mark watches Nigel's eyes turn that dreadful colour they always did when something failed to go his way.
He reaches for Jason's arm.
"No, Mark, I won't have it. We're older now, we've got families, we're not little boys anymore who you can toy around with."
In his pocket, his ringtone plays, jarring him amidst the tension.
"Something grasp your attention?" Scoffs Nigel.
"That's none of your business." He scowls, then turns to Mark. "I have to take this. I'll be right back."
Mark gives only a worried nod.
"Sorry, I didn't want to interrupt anything."
"No, no, it's not a problem." Jason taps his feet on the concrete in concentration. "Are you and the girls OK?"
"We're fine, I just-" Howard tries to simultaneously wipe purée residue from the girls' mouths. "... I'm not feeling good about this, Jay."
"... I know you're not. I'll be home soo-"
"I'll call you back. I love you."
The call ends abruptly this time.
So abruptly that Howard doesn't feel prepared to await a call back.
He chooses to make another one instead.
"Gaz, I'm so sorry, but can you come and watch the twins?"
Back within the office, Jason is met with a godawful sight.
Mark is collapsed unconscious against the wall.
He can't see where or how he's hurt, but he knows it's more than a smack on the arm.
Nigel - Mark's attacker - stands over him, clearly searching for an escape route.
"NIGEL, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!" He screams, launching himself at him.
"LET GO OF ME, YOU BASTARD!"
Then slams back into Jason's torso.
Out of nowhere, there's an unusual, sharp pressure.
Jason's upper body jerks as an obscene object is pulled out of him.
He unconsciously clutches his chest, just beneath his collarbone.
Nigel breathes hard, holding a knife soaked in red.
For a second, Jason doesn't know whose blood it could be.
The answer is with certainty when he looks at his own hand.
The taxi door slams shut behind Howard. He's moving before the vehicle has even stopped.
The door to Nigel's office is open ajar.
The last piece of neutrality.
Jason comes stumbling out, one hand relying on the wall to stay upright.
The other one is bloodied and trying desperately to staunch a flow of blood.
His breathing is fast and gasping; he looks as though he can't keep up with it.
His hand comes away from the wall, and he hunches over.
He sprints across the passage and catches him before he can hit the floor cold.
One moment, you're basking in the sweet Spring with the love of your life and the world you've created.
The next, he's lying on top of you, bleeding and gasping for breath.
"Mar-" Jason struggles to get his words out. "Mark's hurt."
"No, no, no, none of that, none of that. You're gonna be alright, just stay with me."
He tears off his jacket and shoves it onto Jason as to apply pressure to the wound.
Blood starts leaking through the added fabric straight away.
"Oh God!" Jason cries, and he coughs wetly, more panicked and laboured intakes of breath following close.
"It's OK, my love, try and stay calm." Howard dials the emergency services with fingers that refuse to stop trembling.
"Li- Like you're any calmer."
Phone at his ear in readiness of asking for an ambulance, Howard looks down at Jason and sees that, despite the horror, he's still smiling.
Still trying to have a laugh.
But the rapid breathing and desperate pleading of his lungs aren't gone for long.
"Yes you can, of course you can." Howard presses harder at the wound site. "Ambulance please. I've got two casualties."
Robbie had intended only to pass through this London street.
The guys are barely anything beyond strangers.
But when he hears yelling for help - unmistakably Howard's voice - everything inside him urges for him to go after it.
The looks on their faces when he appears in the doorway tells him all he needs to know.
"Robbie?" Howard feels already like he's in an awful nightmare.
Seeing Robbie restores it to merely a dream.
"What the fuck!" He exclaims, running over to Howard and an increasingly poorly Jason in his arms.
He kneels behind Jason, putting his hands on his shoulders.
"Mark's- Mark's through there-" Howard points at the door. "They're both hurt."
"Stay where you are. Keep him talking. It's... important that you talk." He scrambles to his feet again and rushes to be with Mark.
At home, Gary is oblivious at first.
But, as they all realise later, it never would've.
Lola and Holly behave well.
Just two sleepy beings on the baby monitor for the afternoon's majority.
A soft reality that is then shattered by a second phone call from Howard.
"They'll be alright, we're just waiting for an ambulance."
"Where the hell is Nigel now?!"
"We don't- we don't know. Done a runner."
"I know, but listen - the girls still need looking after. Focus on them for now. I've got it under control."
That's the last thing he believes as Jason lie there, face turning white and blood spatter on his chin and neck.
He's no longer panicking so much as he is simply fighting for life.
"I've ruined everything." He whimpers. "I've thrown it all away."
"No you have not." Howard, now indifferently covered in blood, grabs his hand.
"I didn't need closure, not-" Jason's next inhale screeches. "-not from him. I should've- left it."
Howard's never heard any noise so horrible.
"I know, I know, baby, I know." He cradles him tighter. "Help will be here any minute."
Pain sears through Jason's body. His breath flutters in and out, gasps becoming louder, longer, more frequent. The beating of his heart begins to shift from a violent hammering to a palpitating skip of several beats at a time; Howard can feel it as he keeps his hand secure on Jason's chest.
"You've got this. You're the bravest person I've ever met." He says firmly, encouragingly.
Because if he cries, it's real.
"No, Howard. I'm scared." Jason whispers.
Like he couldn't speak at regular volume if he wanted to.
"You're not going to. Not today, not for a long time. And you are brave. I mean, look at you. Getting through everything that you have."
Jason nods, but agreement is absent.
Their eyes are tear-filled and knowing.
Howard still pushes it all away.
"I want you..." Rasps Jason. "... to make sure the girls know I love them."
"We can make sure of that. Both of us."
"You're gonna carry on being the- the brilliant father you always have been. Do you promise me?"
"Yeah, I do but I don't have to, alright? I'm not giving up on you!"
"If they had to-" Another drawn out gasp. "--lose one of us, I don't mind that it was me- gasp, gasp..."
"Stop talking like that. You're not gonna leave us."
"... No. You're right. I never- will."
Mark starts to come to, blinking up wearily at Robbie.
"You're OK, Marko. Just stay still."
The purple bruising across Mark's temple makes Robbie wince.
"He's being looked after, don't worry."
"How's Mark?" Jason asks.
"He'll be fine, Robbie's got him, just focus on yourself for now." Howard brushes hair from his forehead, cupping the back of his head.
Howard's face burns, broken and bereft.
"Plea-Please look after Lola and Holly, gasp-"
"We'll all be together again by tonight. Maybe you won't be able to pick them up for a couple of weeks, but we'll work it out. We'll be OK."
It never makes it to his eyes.
"You made me so happy. GASP-" His voice is a strangled murmur. "GASP- ... It was great."
Howard nods, swallowing thickly as he tries to smile.
He looks up, head darting in urgency as he tries to spot the ambulance.
Jason is frozen in place.
But now nothing more than a lifeless weight.
Howard grabs his face desperately.
He hears screaming that sounds like someone being skinned alive.
He'll never realise it's himself.
The arrival of the paramedics was only ever bitter irony.
Jason had no pulse by the time they reached him.
He left behind the two most beautiful little girls in the world and one man unravelling within secondary trauma and excruciating anguish.
The deafening silence without Jason is a whole other.
Mark stayed in hospital for a weekend receiving treatment for a concussion and providing a statement.
Nigel is in police custody.
Funeral arrangements are being made.
Howard cares for none of it.
People can say they're sorry. They can pass on their condolences. They can promise justice.
Jason is never coming back.
And if it weren't for the twins, Howard wouldn't want to come back either.
In the afternoon, as the girls nap, there's a knock at the front door.
Howard looks through the peephole and sees Gary and Mark.
Loving them isn't enough to stop him hesitating.
He exhales from his nose and eventually opens the door.
They go to the living room, where the curtains are drawn and the TV quietly blathers on.
"Girlies are asleep, so,"
"That's OK." Says Gary, helping Mark to sit down.
He still winces when he does.
"Feeling any better?" Howard passes him an extra cushion.
Fractured by Mark sniffling.
Gary rubs his back with a gentle hand.
"I never meant for any of this to happen."
Even in his grief, Howard is shocked by Mark adamantly blaming himself.
"Mark, the only person who's at fault for this is hopefully gonna be sent down for the rest of his life."
"I know. But what are we supposed to do?"
"... We had a life that was as close to perfect as you could get. Now I'm a widower and single father. So, to answer your question, I have no idea."
On the baby monitor, the babies seem to wake each other.
Howard expects to find them wailing for assistance.
Unaware that there's just one left.
Instead, they're sitting up in their cots, smiling ear to ear as soon as their bedroom light switches on.
He cannot help but smile back.
It should feel impossible.
But babies have magical powers.
He brings them downstairs, one on each hip. They giggle all the way.
"Look, darlings, it's Uncle Gaz and Mark."
"Hiya, twinsies!" Mark cooes, welcoming Lola into his lap while Holly gravitates towards Gary.
"Did you sleep well?" Gary asks. "Sweet dreams?"
Howard watches on in awe and melancholy.
Jason won't get to see the girls grow up.
All the milestones, all the years ahead.
Howard's sole job is ensuring their daughters know it.
He can't protect them from the sorrow. From the constant awareness. From the irreversibility.
But he can show them that Jason is no less their fierce protector.
Because he deserves to be missed this much.
