Shirley: A Biography

hello world :) im back as a 35 year old auntie haha. i last left when i was 32 and i think its important to continue documenting my thoughts. :)

Simple Plan last night was incredible.

Lately I have been feeling really really sad. Maybe it’s the lack of exercise, or that I really miss R (homesick) or that I am not happy in S due to recent events like when I realise what the job entails to. Perhaps it’s a combination of the above factors and perhaps, that nothing stays the same. Everybody ages, everybody will lose everybody at some point in their lives and I’m nearing that.

It’s irrational – this sadness. This melancholy. Right now, I have so much in my life – I have accomplish most of what I set out to do. I have my own house, I have a husband, I have a happy family, amazing relatives. Im still in touch with most of my friends. I have Kiko and President. I have good health. Work is generally okay except lately when I had that confusion. I should be happy now and I have no reason to be unhappy.

But yet, I feel lost. And sad. And lost. And depressed. And abit suicidal. What’s wrong with me? Is it the hormones? I don’t know. And I don’t know. Lol.

Lately I have been crying a lot as well. And last night at Simple Plan concert – as they were playing “Welcome to my life” – I was crying lol. Whyyyy. Why Shirley, what is happening? I think at the concert – I missed the feeling. The feeling of being young and having everyone around me and everything that I can do cus I am young and naïve. Perhaps I am no longer naïve which is what’s making me sad. I know the realities of adulting, the repercussions and cost of dreams. I know that dreams can be too irrational – and the grass is greener on the other side. I have seen how Felix works and know the reality of it – that you always have to please the client and you don’t have much freedom to exercise the creativity that you want.

I digress.

Simple Plan concert is really amazing. It reminds me that the emo kid in me is still alive. When the lead singer asked us if we are still dreamers? I didn’t say yes. But I am a dreamer – and I still dream. But I think at the back of my head, I know it’s almost impossible to fulfil them. It reminds me of my first clubbing experience and how being on the dance floor is a safe space – all I had to do was just dance and everything will be okay. Last night, I felt that – for the 3 hours there, I was an 18 year old kid – wide eyed and ready to conquer the world. No need to bend over backwards to reality and what society wants. But here we are. Haha.

Ah Shirley – you need to really get your shit together and figure life out. Given the current circumstances, decide on a path forward and move on. Stop dwelling in the past. Stop self victimizing. Just stop.

If you wanna end your life – then why not try to live a good one? Right?

No matter what happens, I will always love you. By true, beautiful self who always tries her best and want to make the people around her happy.