PATIENT INFORMATION LEAFLET
70s ROCK TABLETS
(Groove-Based Therapy with Sideburnsâ˘)
Active Ingredients:
⢠Riffs heavier than your emotional baggage
⢠Vocals that sound like whiskey fighting God
⢠Drum solos that last longer than your last relationship
⢠Denim molecules fused with cosmic stardust
⢠Trace amounts of dragon mythology and sexual confusion
What 70s Rock Tablets Are and What Theyâre Used For:
70s Rock Tablets are used to treat:
⢠Weak groove reflexes
⢠Disconnection from the eternal rhythm of the cosmos
⢠Inability to air guitar with conviction
⢠Overexposure to sanitized modern playlists
⢠Sudden lack of swagger or mojo (clinical term: âFunk Deficiency Syndromeâ)
Dosage:
Take one extended-release tablet daily. Warning: each dose may contain 13-minute tracks with six guitar solos and a spoken-word breakdown about cosmic energy. Do not operate light machinery or feelings while under the influence.
Possible Side Effects:
⢠Aggressive appreciation for vinyl
⢠Uncontrollable headbanging
⢠Hallucinations involving Robert Plant
⢠Sudden motorcycle purchases
⢠Minor bouts of philosophy during the bridge of âStairway to Heavenâ
Do Not Take If:
⢠You dislike guitar solos longer than your lunch break
⢠You refer to all classic rock as âdad musicâ
⢠You have a pacemaker set to the BPM of disco
⢠You are frightened by the word âZeppelinâ
Storage Instructions:
Keep inside a record sleeve behind your lava lamp. Ideal temperature: somewhere between âbasement jam sessionâ and âdesert at dusk.â Do not store near disco balls. Results may become⌠conflicted.
In Case of Overdose:
Lie flat. Turn up Pink Floyd. Let the soul leave the body. Youâll return when the drum solo ends.











