Pietro Pazzi Photography

70s ROCK TABLETS

(Groove-Based Therapy with Sideburns™)

Active Ingredients:

• Riffs heavier than your emotional baggage

• Vocals that sound like whiskey fighting God

• Drum solos that last longer than your last relationship

• Denim molecules fused with cosmic stardust

• Trace amounts of dragon mythology and sexual confusion

What 70s Rock Tablets Are and What They’re Used For:

70s Rock Tablets are used to treat:

• Weak groove reflexes

• Disconnection from the eternal rhythm of the cosmos

• Inability to air guitar with conviction

• Overexposure to sanitized modern playlists

• Sudden lack of swagger or mojo (clinical term: “Funk Deficiency Syndrome”)

Dosage:

Take one extended-release tablet daily. Warning: each dose may contain 13-minute tracks with six guitar solos and a spoken-word breakdown about cosmic energy. Do not operate light machinery or feelings while under the influence.

Possible Side Effects:

• Aggressive appreciation for vinyl

• Uncontrollable headbanging

• Hallucinations involving Robert Plant

• Sudden motorcycle purchases

• Minor bouts of philosophy during the bridge of “Stairway to Heaven”

Do Not Take If:

• You dislike guitar solos longer than your lunch break

• You refer to all classic rock as “dad music”

• You have a pacemaker set to the BPM of disco

• You are frightened by the word “Zeppelin”

Storage Instructions:

Keep inside a record sleeve behind your lava lamp. Ideal temperature: somewhere between “basement jam session” and “desert at dusk.” Do not store near disco balls. Results may become… conflicted.

In Case of Overdose:

Lie flat. Turn up Pink Floyd. Let the soul leave the body. You’ll return when the drum solo ends.

70s POP TABLETS

(Doses of Disco, Delight, and Deep-Feeling Drama™)

Active Ingredients:

• Glitter-infused melodies

• Orchestral string flourishes

• Falsetto vocals powered by heartbreak and polyester

• Funky basslines engineered by NASA

• Trace amounts of platform shoes and astrological metaphors

What 70s Pop Tablets Are and What They’re Used For:

These tablets are used to treat:

• Sudden lack of groove

• Emotional stiffness due to overexposure to indie folk

• Lack of melodrama in your daily life

• Memory loss of joy

• Temporary disco amnesia

Dosage:

Take 1 tablet before dancing, preferably under a spinning mirror ball while making strong eye contact with no one. May be taken with cocktails, heartbreak, or roller skates.

Possible Side Effects:

• Sudden desire to form a vocal quartet with matching outfits

• Overuse of the phrase “Dancing Queen” as a lifestyle

• Involuntary pelvic thrusts

• Emotional whiplash from back-to-back Bee Gees and Carpenters

• Excessive sparkle-related injuries

Do Not Take If:

• You suffer from disco denial

• You’ve never clapped along to a song unironically

• You believe all music should be “serious”

• You are allergic to euphoria

Storage Instructions:

Store in a shag-carpeted drawer beneath a lava lamp. Keep out of reach of people who roll their eyes at key changes or sequins. May spontaneously play “Fernando” if exposed to candlelight.

In Case of Overdose:

Seek immediate assistance from Donna Summer. If unavailable, lay down, play “Waterloo”, and accept your fate as a fabulous, emotionally wrecked disco sorcerer.

(active ingredient: bubble‑gum synth, 110 % sparkle)

⸻

Why you’d bother

Because some days you need a chorus you can shout before you’re even dressed. These tablets lift low moods, boost finger‑clicking speed, and make washing up feel like a Top of the Pops routine.

How to take them

• Slip one tablet into each ear first thing. Don’t swallow—tastes like hair‑spray.

• Works best alongside neon socks and an over‑enthusiastic shoulder‑wiggle.

• Missed today’s dose? Two words: “Wake Me Up”. Blast it. Problem solved.

Side effects you might actually notice

• Unplanned dance breaks mid‑supermarket aisle.

• Involuntary “whoa‑oh‑oh” backing vocals during phone calls.

• Sudden crush on anyone wielding a keytar.

Most folk call these “benefits”. Your mileage may vary.

—-

MY FAVS:

1. Bruce Springsteen

2. Madonna

3. Fleetwood Mac

4. George Michael / Wham!

5. Whitney Houston

6. Duran Duran

7. Cyndi Lauper

8. Pet Shop Boys

9. Kylie Minogue

10. Culture Club (Boy George up front)

11. Tina Turner (her ’80s comeback was massive)

12. Phil Collins (solo, plus a nod to Genesis cross‑over hits)

13. A‑ha

14. Janet Jackson

15. Eurythmics

16. Spandau Ballet

17. The Police (yes, they’re rock‑ish, but the charts said “pop” plenty)

18. Bob Marley

19. Lionel Richie

20. Billy Joel

21. Rick Astley

22. Tears for Fears

23. Huey Lewis & The News

24. Bananarama

25. Paula Abdul

26. INXS

27. Dire Straights

28. Simple Minds

29. Roxy Music

30. Belinda Carlisle

YOUR FAVS????

(active ingredient: pure synth‑riffs, 100 % volume)

WHAT THESE TABLETS ARE FOR:

Daily 80s Rock keeps the soul bopping, the hair big and the denim dangerously tight. It’s mainly used to treat cases of Monday morning dullness and any lingering fear of dance‑floors.

HOW TO TAKE:

• Adults and over‑12s: Pop one tablet into each ear once a day. Swallowing is pointless and tastes of guitar strings, so please don’t.

• Best taken with: A can of warm cola, half‑remembered lyrics, and a power stance.

• Missed a dose? Double up by blasting Livin’ on a Prayer in the shower. Neighbours may complain; ignore them—they’re probably stuck in the 90s.

POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS:

• Sudden burst of air‑guitar (moderate).

• Confusing today’s teenagers with phrases like “Walkman” (mild).

• Persistent urge to call every friend “dude” (varies).

If any side effect lasts longer than four hours—well, that’s basically a gig, so enjoy it.

—-

THESE WORK FOR ME:

Guns N’ Roses

• Bon Jovi

• Aerosmith

• AC/DC

• Metallica

• Foreigner

• Journey

• The Police

• Judas Priest

• Whitesnake

• Def Leppard

• REO Speedwagon

• ZZ Top

• R.E.M.

WHAT WORKS FOR YOU???????

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Would you walk these alleys and listen? Would you stand at the edge of history and feel the weight of time?

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