MeowMeow

I wished my dad never got sober. When i was young he used to be really mean to me, he hit me a few times. Once he hit me so hard, I was bleeding pretty bad. As I grew he changed, for the better, i know. But I cant help but wish that he would hit me again. It scares me how much I wish for him to get bad again. I guess I just want a reason to keep hating him. Its hard for me to forgive him for what he did to me when I was young, but now that he has mellowed out and changed I feel guilty for the hatred I have for him, and maybe I want a reason to hit him back as well. Im a violent person, i know i am, and I always have been. When I was young i used to hit my mom and scratch my younger brothers, i was constantly getting in trouble. I havent acted like that in years but I admit that sometimes I get so angry at the people in my life I want to kill them. As a kid I used to fantasize about murdering my parents, it might have been because of my dad's abuse towards me and how my mom stayed with him, she watched him hurt me, she watched him lay his hands on me, and even so, she stayed with him, made excuses for him like he was a child who couldnt understand what he was doing. I envy people with parents who have never laid a finger on them, who chose them, protected them. I wonder what was so horrible about me that it made my own father hate me so much, id like to believe it was the alcohol making him act a differently, but I know, if anything, it was making him speak the truth about how he felt and act on his hatred for me. I dont think I'll ever be able to forgive my mother and my father for what they have done to me, I cannot look them in the face, knowing what they've done to me, knowing that they think it wasnt wrong, that it was just simple mistakes. I wish I was never born into this family, its full of hatred and judgment and addiction. I like to think one day I will leave this house and this town forever, never look back, but i dont know if i can stay around long enough for that to happen.

I want to suffocate

Why dont people talk to me

Just wrote my suicide letter. Im gonna set the folded paper on my desk, i wish someone would find it and save me from myself. I dont want to die.

Sometimes I drive up the mountain at night to look at the stars, its really dark and I get scared. I wish someone would come to me and ask me what's wrong. I just want to tell someone everything under the stars. I want someone to know who I am and what I feel before I die. I dont know if I want them to know me or save me, sometimes its both. And sometimes I just want to be alone forever in an empty world. I dont think I will ever get either one so ill stick to writing letters of apology and tearing my skin like it will do me any good.

I wish I was as pretty as the girls i like and as handsome as the boys they like.

Im thinking of letting the bugs consume me