âHe seems good for you,â Lisa said. âMore calm or stable or, I donât knowâyou two just fit.â
âWe do.â
âIt doesnât hurt that heâs very easy on the eyes.â
I laughed and looked over at the group of guys again.
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âHe seems good for you,â Lisa said. âMore calm or stable or, I donât knowâyou two just fit.â
âWe do.â
âIt doesnât hurt that heâs very easy on the eyes.â
I laughed and looked over at the group of guys again.

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âI shouldnât have kissed you.â
âWhat?â
âYou warned me about what would happen if I kissed you and I didnât listen.â
I gave a breathy laugh.
He smiled. It was a sad smile, not what Iâd grown used to, but it still managed to twist my heart. âNo, thatâs a lie. I was attached before the kiss. Jeff really is a nice guy and one lucky SOB.â
A laugh burst out of me and I covered my mouth.
Dax pushed himself off the wall and I knew he was leaving now that heâd said his piece. I thought about letting him because the thought of that day in the car still physically hurt.
But I couldnât. Even though I knew this might end in heartbreak, that he might make my life scary and complicated and unpredictable, I knew I couldnât let him walk away. Because I knew heâd also make my life happy and comforting and full. âJeff and I arenât together.â
He stopped, one foot out in front of him, his hands still wrapped around his jacket. âYouâre not?â
âTurns out I donât follow rules either.â
âHow so?â
âI became attached to someone Iâd said I wouldnât too.â
âI sure hope you mean me.â
I nodded. He took the three big steps to reach me and picked me up in a hug. I could feel his heart beating against my chest, fast and hard.
I closed my eyes and buried my face in the space between his shoulder and neck.
A shiver went down my spine, and he pulled away and wrapped his jacket around my shoulders, then pulled me close again, his lips millimeters from mine.
âAre you sure youâre ready for this?â I asked.
âWhat?â
âCommitment.â
He smiled. âYou make it easy.â
âThank you.â It was hard to remember what Iâd been so scared of. Being treated differently? Lack of acceptance? I was the one who hadnât accepted myself for who I was. I was the one who needed to be comfortable in my own skin. I hoped I could do that moving forward.
âIâm sorry I didnât know what I wanted until now. And that Iâve been jerking you around for months,â I said, remembering what Dallin had told me before.
âJerking me around?â he asked. âYou werenât. I think we were both testing our feelings. You just seemed to go the opposite way as me.â
I stared at him in front of me, so tall and strong and steady. âIâm glad youâre better, Jeff.â
âMe too.â
âStill friends?â
âOf course,â he said.
âI know. Thatâs why Iâm staying home from the basketball game tonight too. Just the thought of it makes me cringe.â
âThereâs nothing wrong with that. I think you sometimes worry too much what your friends will think if you donât go somewhere and not enough about how youâre feeling.â
âI know. Well, now I know. Iâm working on it.â Dax had been wrong. I hadnât needed to make a big announcement about my anxiety to my friends, I just needed to learn how to say no to them and take better care of myself.

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âWhat do you want to do when you grow up?â Mr. Matson asked me.
âI think I want to be a psychologist.â Because that was safe and secure and not risky at all. But it was more than that too. My psychologist had helped me so much over the years that I wanted to help others.
âI didnât know that,â Jeff said. âI thought youâd do something with photography.â
âYeah I . . .â
âPsychology is a good choice,â his dad said. âJeff needs to decide.â
âI want to change careers,â he announced ten minutes later, when he landed on that square.
âBut youâre a surgeon and you have the highest salary possible in the game,â I said.
âI do not base my decisions on salary, Autumn. I base them on job satisfaction and Iâm unsatisfied. Iâm away from my wife and twins too much. I need a change in my life.â
His mom laughed. âYou should always be happy in your job choice. What a wise decision.â
âAnd I know sheâs the one for me,â he said in a dramatic fashion.
I wanted to laugh again, but I stopped. âYou know? Just like that?â
âWell, not just like that, but it was almost that easy. Shouldnât love be easy?â
âYou love her?â
âNo, but I just mean the act of falling in love. Shouldnât it be easy?â
âYes. It definitely shouldnât be scripted.â
âExactly. Itâs not something you should have to analyze over and over again. If itâs right, you should know.â
I smiled and shut my menu, looking around for the waiter. âNow youâre the love expert?â
âAlways have been, Autumn.â
It wasnât that I was doubting what I had come to realize at Daxâs momâs house. I knew I liked Dax. I just wished that Owen had met him. I wanted one second opinion. Everyone else was on Jeffâs side.
The thought of Dax holding my face at the park and saying figure out what you think flashed through my mind. His eyes staring into mine so intensely. I didnât need other people to tell me what I already knew.
âI know what I think,â I said out loud.
Owen looked up from his menu. âOh yeah?â
âI like him. A lot.â
âDax?â
âYes,â I said.
âAnd you donât care about the friend fallout that will occur with that choice?â
âI donât care.â
He smiled. âGood for you.â
âRegardless of what happens with Dax, Jeff isnât right for me. I wanted him to be for so long that I looked past the way he made me feel when I was with himâalways on edge, worrying what heâd do or say next. I didnât notice the difference until I met someone who helps me relax.â Now I just needed to make sure I hadnât ruined everything. And I needed to tell him how I felt. That wouldnât be an easy task either, to convince the boy who didnât do commitment that we could be different. I twisted the pink bracelet on my wrist. But I had to try.
She obviously knew I did want something with Dax. And I did, I realized, as I was sitting there desperate to get the letter back for him. Desperate to fix this. I finally knew what I wanted, and it felt bittersweet in that moment.
I leaned my head on the seat, staring at him. His eyes held mine. They were intense. Iâd never felt so exposed before. Like he was looking into me.
âWhat?â he asked.
âThanks for coming tonight. I needed it.â
âSure.â He ran a single finger along the line of my jaw and I shivered.
âYouâre always cold,â he said.
My eyes stared into his. âIâm not cold.â
He was close. Too close. But I didnât back away. In fact, maybe I had been the one to close the distance between us. I stopped myself from leaning in any closer. I breathed in his breath. Then it was him moving forward, his lips seconds from meeting mine.
âWe made a rule,â I whispered.
âUnlike you, I donât follow rules.â He didnât give me a chance to respond. His lips met mine and stole my willpower. I pressed closer to him. I tried to move my right hand to his hair but the seatbelt prevented me from getting closer. I searched blindly for the release button, not willing to separate myself from him to find it. He was faster. He unlatched my belt, then pulled me closer.
My hands found his hair, his neck, his shoulders. His hands found my hips, lifting and sliding me across the center console and onto his lap. There wasnât enough room between him and the steering wheel but that didnât stop me. My elbows rested on his shoulders as our kiss deepened.
And then a horn sounded, loud and long. I gasped and pulled away. It was me, I realized. My back was pushing on the horn. I laughed, maneuvering myself back into my own seat. Silence filled the air. My lips felt swollen, my cheeks hot.
âYouâre in for it now,â I said, buckling my seatbelt again. âAttachment is in your future. I warned you.â
He smiled and opened the car door. When he arrived at the passenger door and opened it for me, I realized we needed to switch places. I needed to drive. How was I going to drive? How was I even going to walk around the car with my wobbly legs? When I stepped out, he didnât move for me to walk around, though. He pressed me against the car and kissed me again, his warm hands over my ears. I went up on my tiptoes in answer. His warmth poured through my body and I felt like I would explode from happiness. I finally pushed on his chest, breaking the kiss. I was feeling too much, too fast.
Somehow I drove him home, wobbly legs and all, us barely speaking two words. When I pulled to a stop in front of the group home, he leaned over and brushed a kiss on my cheek, then another across my lips.
âSee you,â he said in a gravelly voice, and was gone.

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âSeriously, Dax. Youâre going to kill me.â
âIsnât that what Iâve been trying to say?â
I laughed as I watched the car in front of us do a U-turn and exit the lot again. I laughed a lot around him, I realized. He made me happy. My insides felt like they were glowing, like I wanted to live in this moment forever. I played with the hot pink bracelet still firmly attached to my wrist and I took a deep breath and spit out, âYouâve definitely been added to the archive the last couple of weeks.â
âWhat archive?â he asked.
âThe happy memories one. The one Iâll draw from in my dark times,â I said quietly.
A smile stole away his hard expression before he wiped it off and pretended I hadnât seen it. But I had. And it got added to the bank.
âHappy memories canât get you through everything.â He seemed to be talking from experience.
I pulled my knees up onto the bench with me, his words swirling in my mind. What heâd said made sense. I thought back to all the times even in the last couple of months when I went places to please others despite what I knew it would do to meâbasketball games and parties and maybe even hospitals. Itâs not like I wanted to stop doing those things altogether, but I needed to read my own emotions better, not leave things after I freaked out but before. Stay healthy. But I didnât need to tell my friends about my anxiety in order to do that. I just needed to be better about standing up for myself. About not doing things I didnât want to do.
He leaned forward, put his elbows on his knees, and seemed to think. After a minute he said, âSo youâre trying to deal with anxiety by acting like you donât have it.â
âWhat?â
âYou know the hospital will stress you out tomorrow, especially with Dallin there.â
âYes.â
âBut instead of staying home for your own mental health, youâre going to go there because someone else is expecting it.â
âI canât stop living life.â
âItâs not something you want to do. Youâre worrying about someone elseâs emotions instead of your own.â
âEither Iâd be sitting at home worrying about Jeff wondering why I wasnât there or Iâd be at the hospital worrying about Dallin being mad at me for being there.â
âBecause you havenât told them. If you told them you had an anxiety disorder, they wouldnât wonder when you didnât show up for things or had to leave things early. And you wouldnât worry about them. Theyâd understand. Theyâd feel better and youâd feel better.â He held up his hands and shook his head, like he was mad at himself for something. âYou know what? Never mind. Itâs none of my business.â
I let out a frustrated breath. âNo. Youâre right. Iâll tell them.â
âNow youâre just saying that because you think Iâm mad.â
âAre you?â
âIt doesnât matter, Autumn.â He put his hands on my cheeks. His hands were freezing. âFigure out what you think.â His eyes went back and forth between mine. My temperature seemed to rise a couple degrees. âFigure out what you want,â he said again, softer.
And then he was standing and walking away, and I just sat there and let him, not even offering him a ride. Maybe we both needed some space anyway. So we could follow the rules.
âActually, not for your pictures. You have a way of capturing things that looks good every time.â
I was caught off guard by the compliment. âThanks.â
âIâm serious. Is that what youâre thinking for college? Photography?â
âNo. Not at all. Itâs too . . .â
âRisky?â
âYes.â
âAnd whatâs wrong with risk? Whatâs wrong with going after the uncertain choice? The one you havenât planned to a T.â
âYou know whatâs wrong with that. It would stress me out too much. I need security.â
He reached out for my camera and I handed it to him. He put it up to his eye and took a picture, then looked at the result on the screen with a sour face. âAll Iâm saying is you have talent.â
âAnyway, I wanted to show you. We should go.â
âBecause youâre worried, or because you have somewhere you need to be?â
âThe first.â
âYou worry too much.â
âI know. Itâs kind of my thing.â

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âHow do you know what I was taking pictures of a few weeks ago?â
âI walked right by you. Your vision is limited behind that camera.â
I hadnât seen him at all. My vision was limited behind the camera, focused, uncluttered. That was one of the reasons I liked it. âIt wasnât a spider. It was its web. It was frozen. And amazing. Iâll have to show you how those turned out one of these days.â I stopped. âLike, any day. You should come over to my house. My parents would probably love it.â
âYour parents . . . they sent me a letter.â
I laughed. I had forgotten about that letter. âThey did. Youâre their hero.â
âI thought I was yours.â
I laughed again. âYes. You are.â
âYou sound almost as sarcastic as I imagined you sounded when I read it.â
âI was mad at you when I wrote it.â
He seemed amused by this thought. âWhy?â
âYou didnât want to see me.â
âYou like to assume.â
My heart did a somersault and I scolded it for that reaction. Weâd established a rule. He didnât want an attachment and neither did I.
He nodded. We were close. Too close. I shouldâve taken a step away but for the first time all week the tension in my shoulders and the back of my neck was gone, so I was going to stay where I was. Even if it meant Dax staring at me. Even if it meant smelling his familiar scent of laundry detergent and spice. Even if it meant feeling the heat from his body radiating against mine.
I grabbed the sides of his shirt, surprising myself with the action. He didnât step away, and the rest of the tension in my shoulders drained down my spine. He snaked one arm around my waist and pulled me into a hug, smashing me against him. The move shocked me and I gasped, but didnât pull away. Friends hugged, we could hug. The tightness in his shoulders seemed to lessen as we stood there as well.
I looked up at him. His face, only inches away, seemed just as calm as I now felt. He was moving toward me, smelling like sugar, when I blurted out, âBut no kissing. Just friends.â
âFriends?â
âNo. Friends are attachments, right? So no, weâre distractions. Distracted friends.â
He stopped, his look amused. âOkay.â
Why couldnât I stop talking? âAnd distracted friends donât kiss. Guys get attached when they kiss me.â
A full smile took over his face now. âNo kissing, then.â His voice was low and scratchy and I wanted to immediately throw my rule out the window. The only rule I knew would protect me from the arrangement I had just made up.
âRule number four.â
He laughed a little. âOkay.â
âJust a distraction,â I said, straightening up and backing away from him. I smiled. âA really good one.â
He grabbed hold of my wrist, keeping me from moving farther away. âJust a distraction?â
I nodded. âWe can make rule number five âNo Attachmentsâ if youâre worried.â
Dax smiled and pulled me close again.